Savin' Grace

Jerrod Niemann - Lover, Lover

2011-07-11T22:41:00.000-07:00

Matchbox Twenty - If You're Gone (Video)

2011-07-08T19:42:00.000-07:00

Just go!

2011-07-08T19:22:00.001-07:00

I don't know what the hell happened, I don't think I was around for it. Did I miss something here? I'm not a mushroom. Don't feed me bullshit and keep me in the dark. I can't keep up this ficad. And neither can you. I'm seriously about to give up. How did it come to this? So many things said, planned and done. Seems like a huge waste of my precious time. I don't have anything left in me to do this all over again. I don't think my heart can take it. I don't think I'll come away from this unjaded, hatefull and mean. I had such high hopes. But it seems I'm the one giving it all and getting very little in return. There's something seriously wrong and I can feel it in my throat. There's this lump there and it's sinking into the pit of my stomach. I'm anxious, and so very sad it's going to go down like this. Just like all the rest. It'll come to a head and I'll be there to see it all happen, and poof! It's all over from that point on. I hate LIARS and MANIPULATORS. How do they always find me? What is it that attracts them to me? Is it because I have my shit together? Is it because I have integrity and honor? I don't lie or manipulate the situation. Am I gonna come away from this cold, hurt again? AGAIN? Where is my blue waters? I'm trying. I tried so hard this time. Maybe that is the problem. I try to hard to be loved. I try to make everyone happy. And who ends up broken hearted and lonely? Me. I'm done trying. I need some proof that you are who you say you are. I need proof you love me whole hartedly. If you don't, just go.

Let me go! Don't keep me on a string. Don't keep giving me excuses and lies. You don't talk to me anyway. You don't really want to be with me. You'd rather be free, then go. By all means go! But don't ever come back. I won't take you back, I won't talk to you. Just go. Be the guy you wanna be that you can't be with me.

I need something more. I need to know I'm loved. I need to know you care. Don't tell me you care. Your actions tell me you really don't. I need to be taken care of, love and occasionally spoiled. I need to be who I am. Not at your becon call. I don't want to bring this down on you now, espically now, but I can't help the way I feel and I feel like you're already gone. So just go.

I'll survive you. I'll come back stronger and better. And I will be untouchable to you. Have a nice life and don't let the door hit you on the way out!

Later.

JG

Bush - Glycerine

2011-04-17T19:59:00.000-07:00

Don't Go Away

2011-04-17T19:25:00.000-07:00

Modest Mouse - Missed The Boat

2011-04-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

"Missed The Boat"

While we're on the subject
Could we change the subject now?
I was knocking on your ear's door but you were always out
Looking towards the future
We were begging for the past
Well we knew we had the good things
But those never seemed to last
Oh please just last

Everyone's unhappy
Everyone's ashamed
Well we all just got caught looking
At somebody else's page
Well nothing ever went
Quite exactly as we planned
Our ideas held no water
But we used them like a dam

Oh, and we carried it all so well
As if we got a new position
Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell
Saying yes, this is a fine promotion
Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell

Of course everyone goes crazy
Over such and such and such
We made ourselves a pillar
We just used it as a crutch
We were certainly uncertain
At least I'm pretty sure I am
Well we didn't need the water
But we just built that good God dam

Oh, and I know this of myself
I assume as much for other people
Oh, and I know this of myself
We've listened more to life's end gong
Than the sound of life's sweet bliss

Was it ever worth it?
Was there all that much to gain?
Well we knew we missed the boat
And we'd already missed the plane
We didn't read the invite
We just dance at our wake
All our favorites were playing
So we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

Tiny curtains open and we heard the tiny clap of little hands
A tiny man would tell a little joke and get a tiny laugh from all the folks
Sitting drifting around in bubbles and thinking it was us that carried them
When we finally got it figured out that we had truly missed the boat

Oh, and we carried it all so well
As if we got a new position
Oh, and we owned all the tools ourselves
But not the skills to make a shelf with
Oh, what useless tools ourselves

Crazy (Gnarls Barkley Cover) - Ray Lamontagne

2011-04-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

Ray LaMontagne - Let It Be Me

2011-04-15T20:42:00.000-07:00

Make me believe

2011-04-15T20:40:00.000-07:00

You run away, I wouldn't take back
Every day that we spent but
That one night you did me wrong
Led me on, same old song

All my girls say make him pay
Kick him out, let him stay
I'm so confused and misused
I feel abused, so abused

And I'm not talking about would I, should I, could I
And I'm not talking 'bout the things I should've did
And I'm not talking about would I, should I, could I
And I'm not talking 'bout the things I should've did

Make me believe that you'll stick around for good
Make me believe that I'm not misunderstood
Make me believe, make me believe, make me believe
I'm not buying what you're selling, quit with all the lies you're telling

Make me believe that I'm not just all your dream
Make me believe that you're not just full of it
Make me believe, make me believe, make me believe
I'm not buying what you're selling, quit with all the lies you're telling

You wonder why this girl won't answer
When you call and romance her
You're so amazed that I don't pay
You attention these days

All my girls say he's just there
For the ride, he don't care
So come on, one on one
Here's your chance prove them wrong

And I'm not talking about would I, should I, could I
And I'm not talking 'bout the things I should've did
And I'm not talking about would I, should I, could I
And I'm not talking 'bout the things I should've did
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/a/angel-taylor-lyrics/make-me-believe-lyrics.html ]

Make me believe that you'll stick around for good
Make me believe that I'm not misunderstood
Make me believe, make me believe, make me believe
I'm not buying what you're selling, quit with all the lies you're telling

Make me believe that I'm not just all your dream
Make me believe that you're not just full of it
Make me believe, make me believe, make me believe
I'm not buying what you're selling, quit with all the lies you're telling

Boy you won me over, another Casanova
Now I'm gonna show you while I'm messing with your head
Boy you won me over, another Casanova
Now I'm gonna show you while I'm messing with your head
Messing with your head, messing with your head
Messing with your head

Make me believe that I'm not just all your dream
Make me believe that you're not just full of it
Make me believe, make me believe, make me believe
I'm not buying what you're selling, quit with all the lies you're telling

Make me believe that you'll stick around for good
Make me believe that I'm not misunderstood
Make me believe, make me believe, make me believe
I'm not buying what you're selling, quit with all the lies you're telling

Boy you won me over, another Casanova
Now I'm gonna show you while I'm messing with your head
Boy you won me over, another Casanova
Now I'm gonna show you while I'm messing with your head

Just Takes A Little Time

2010-07-11T21:54:00.000-07:00

I've been pondering things this past week. Everything has been a challenge and more difficult then I'd expected. But I think we've come out of it stronger. There are things I wish for, things that would make life easier. (Don't we all!) There's going to be some decisions I have to make very shortly. Some will be heart breaking. Others will be weight lifting. But they are coming and I have to step up and do it. I can feel it coming. Some old things that need to be put in the past and left there. Or new things will not transpire nor exist. And there should be proof before anything is to move forward. I feel as though I'm at a stand still. Unable to move forward or back. I have learned to make time for things. I have learned it's going to take time and I have to trust again. I'm trying so hard to listen and trust. But sometimes my own mind gets in the way. It's so hard to trust my instincts. It's so hard to trust other's. You just never know what they are capeable of until they are pushed to their own limits. I keep telling myself, it's just a matter of time. I'm so impatient, so predictable, so gulible. Am I on the right path? Have I choosen wisely? We'll see what life shall be.

JGrace.

Run, dude, RUN!

2009-03-10T12:27:00.000-07:00

Watching and waiting to see what transposes.

My pride has taken a shot,

the embarrassment is almost too much to bear.

I gave you an "out", but yet you stay.

For now, I say.

It's all changed, it's all rearranged.

Another "out" may be needed,

if taken, i'll be crushed.

But free once again,

alone,

able to rebuild my pride, in my own time.

Too hard to tell me to my face.

Own up to it. Just do it.

I won't break, I won't go "crazy" or freak out.

I'm a solid chick. I'll get over it.

I've tried patience, I've tried interventions.

This is something you have to do on your own.

Without me.

If you so choose, I'll be here to listen.

Though it will not be the same.

I will change along with your decisions.

But know this......

She'll destroy you if she can't have you.

She'll do everything in her power to pull you apart.

She is a black widow,

waiting to feed on your last dying breath.

And I just can't watch. I can't sit and say nothing.

I won't.

Though my feelings for you run very deep,

I won't sit by and watch you be manipulated and deceived.

Run, Dude, Fucking run!

Just run.

I'll be over here, pretending not to see the anguish on your face.

Pretending not to see the chaos that you're addicted to.

I don't know what you think you've lost in the past,

that you could regain,

but she's not the answer,

she's the confussion, the chaos,

the hurt

and the manipulative force that you question in your heart.

You're not really here anyway.

Spaced out, too much thinking, barely talking.

Just not there,

and haven't been for months now.

Is she worth loosing me?

Seems to be all you think about.

So just......

Run, dude, run,

so I can get over you.

J. Grace.

hot n' cold

2009-02-08T17:00:00.000-08:00

Nelly Furtado, Crazy......

2009-01-27T18:30:00.000-08:00

Life can throw you for a loop

2008-11-29T09:41:00.000-08:00

Just when you think life can really suck, it becomes something you never expected. Being with my family most of the week has grounded me. What has transpired in the last few days has made me realize that this is what it's all about.

I'm trying to get my shit together, pay some bills and buy a house. "now's the time!" my mom tells me. The liar (my lawyer) has sucked me into settling that (YES! it's been 5 years in case anyone was wondering.) lawsuit against Allied Insurance for 46K. Of which there will be payouts and his take, netting me $25K! Not enough. Not enough for the 5 years worth of interest on the old bills, not enough to really do shit with but spend frivolously. My medical bills are $23K. Have to pay those off. Pay off some other stuff.

But one thing weighs on my mind. If the man I'm with is able to handle a house, my kids, his kids, his bills, all that which goes with owning a home? I don't know. He says he is. He says he's ready to make this commitment. But men have told such things to keep me happy. I only find out later that it was bullshit. That they were in it for their gain and my demise. I've run that risk many times. I was taken for everything I had. Everyone knows in this world it takes two incomes to survive. If I'm to go head long into the abyss of home ownership, I want to know he's in it for me. He's in it for us. Not for himself. I want to know he loves me. That he would stand by me in anything. And I too, would stand by him. This is what I want. This is what I seek. Someone to be with me through everything. And will stay with me no matter what happens. Cuz life can throw some crazy shit at you. Sometimes it can make you crazy. But it's all worth it in the end.

The man I'm with makes me really happy. We had a recent bump in the road, but he emerged from it a stand up, honest guy. A true man. They all told me they were "real men". I only found out latter that was a fabrication so very far from the truth. Just for the record:

Real men don't cheat on their woman.
Real men don't lie.
Real men stand by their woman and their convictions.
Real men are the rock in which their loved ones can turn to.

I never dated a "real man" before. He's got a whole lot on his plate when it comes to me. I have a lot of irons in the fire. I hope he's not fabricating his view of his own "real man". Only time will tell if he is or not. I love this man. I want to buy a house with him, I want to pull a life together we can both be happy with for years. I want to grow old on the porch with this man. And he does too. I have to sit back and wait. To see if his convictions are true and if he's true to me and himself. I will always have love for this man, I can feel it. I will always truly adore this man. For him to be my life partner, I have to see what befalls us in the years to come. If it goes that long. I have my doubts. Put there by previous "real men". I do not hold him accountable for their actions, but at the same time I am cautious. I have to protect myself and my family from fakery, deceit and indecision. Thus protecting myself.

Only time will tell how much this love, devotion and fidelity mean to him.

J. Grace.

2008-11-22T08:30:00.001-08:00

what can i say

2008-11-21T22:16:00.001-08:00

What can I say.......

2008-11-21T20:24:00.000-08:00

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
There's no third time.

It takes a long time to build trust and only a moment to break it.

I may seem innocent and naive. I assure you, I am not. I may not react in ways you think I would in certain circumstances. I assure you, I don't. I'm what they call...intuitive. I'm sensitive in many ways. I understand without being told. And your actions are speaking differently from what you are saying.

I'm so disappointed. Too many things have come to light for me in the last few days. When things become so vivid, it's too hard not to call attention to them. Otherwise, things can tend to be blown out of proportions. And when left with no reasonable explanation or given excuse after excuse, my mind can start to make shit up.

Well I'm finding myself makin' shit up. But it's almost too many things to ignore or shove under the rug. I don't think I can deal with another one. I think this will be the last. I'm too old for this high school shit. (See "ever get the feeling someone's lying to your face"). This one is gonna hurt. This one is gonna devastate me for a while. Once again, I got used up trying to be loved unconditionally. We'll see how this plays out. I'm not gonna do anything right now. I'm gonna let the accused become the guilty without lifting a finger. But know this.....it won't be a long wait. Nobody knows what I am capable of. Only I do. But once it's done, it's done for good. There's no coming back from this type of betrayal, if it is true. There are eyes everywhere. And it took a dream to wake me up. I think it's over. I think for all intent and purposes, it's done. I can't save it now. It's gone beyond the point of return. It's so sad it had to go this way. There's really no reason for it then utter greed and selfishness. I should have known.

I guess I did. Being I was reluctant to start it up in the first place given my experience previously. I knew it would go like this. From here on out I vow, NEVER AGAIN THE TWINS. I guess I had to see if it could have worked. But I see now it won't. And not because of lack of enthusiasm on my part. But for the choices made by another.

I will survive. This is another learning experience, I can feel it. I'm just getting closer to the person I want to become. Not what the circumstances or devastation wants me to be. It's out there, somewhere. My bluer waters. My deeper oceans. And my clearer streams. I can feel that too. In the midst of my angst and sorrow. So maybe it's not that bad. I will get through this. I've learned how tough I can be. I've learned how not to remain in a state of remorse and regret. Only to stay pissed off to get what needs to happen, happening.

Wanting forever in your eyes. I fall so easily. Just when I thought this was it. This was the one. I could stop looking. I could fall into it all and I could've been happy, content. Tiss not to be. It had to go there. I knew I was in for a broken heart. I knew I was in for stupid shit. But I listened to your words, your inspirations, your dreams and I took them to mean they were real. This is what you wanted. You words mean shit. I don't want to hear them anymore. Lies. Lies. Lies. It's going to be hard to look at your face. It's going to be hard to hear your voice. I'd rather not because the more you talk the more I want to believe. I wanted to believe. The facts out weigh the belief now. So I can't, you see?

I am not a door mat asshole. And you're just another douche bag in a long long line of douche bags. How do you think they all became douche bags? By pulling this douche baggery on me. I don't deserve this. I gave up a year of my life. About double the time it took me to figure out the others. So you had me fooled. The longer you let me stew, the more pissed off I get. I have a sweet face but inside there is rage. Behind those eyes that look like yours lies an intuitive and extremely sensitive soul. And when provoked or threatened, there is a beast. A smart clever beast that will chew you up and spit out your bones. There will be no excuses and lame lies to hide any facts. Only in your face and up your ass. I am all over this.

JGrace.

I'll just make the same mistake again

2008-07-28T21:11:00.001-07:00

James Blunt Videos | Video Codes

I'm a catalist for others to excell

2008-07-28T19:28:00.000-07:00

I'm currently in a state of "hurry up and wait". I'm not sure what to do, so I will do nothing for now. Things are going great with my new beau. But I'm not sure if he can handle being a part of my life. I have a son that makes things difficult for me to have lasting relationships. I don't know if my son does what he does on purpose, or if it's a subconscious thing. I know he hasn't been happy. I know he's kinda stuck in a rut. So my new beau decided he needed to go back to the life he had before me. That he needed to get his shit together. I'm okay with that. But I also wonder if that's just an excuse to escape, like a way out that's not so bad. This of course can be my own insecure mind screwing with me. I just gotta wonder. I guess I'm like this spring board. Everyone jumps off to better waters. When do I get to see my "better waters". They all say what a wonderful woman I am, what a catch I am, how they all just love me to pieces. But then they leave. Are all guys in fear of commitments? Or am I just so level headed, down to earth, no bullshit, they can't handle it? Why do all the drama queens get to keep their men around? Is it that exciting to have her hurl an ashtray at your head cuz you called her a bitch? Do they keep these women around to spend all their money without their knowledge and run em' broke? Is that exciting enough? Maybe a restraining order after a night of binge drinking and slapping her around is considered fun and enticing, makes for a lasting relationship. Not for me, thanks. Keep in mind this dating shit is all new to me. I was married to the same guy for 13 years. I only knew one man. Now I know a shit load and I'm befuddled. Just in the last 6 years. I haven't dated a whole lot in my life, so I guess I'm guy illiterate. Do they make a book for dummies on that subject? Houseplants for dummies, cars for dummies, quick book for dummies....why not guys for dummies? I don't like to come off naive. I'm certainly not. I know what I want and I know who I am. I don't make promises, I don't exaggerate or embellish myself. What you see is what you get. I don't keep my mouth shut most of the time. Though over the years I've learned to bite my tongue in certain situations. I'm by far, not stupid. It's all just so new. I'll let him venture off. What's that old saying, "if they're yours, set them free. If they come back it was meant to be". Well there's a few out there that "weren't meant to be" or at least not meant to be, yet. Does that mean they expect me to wait around to see if I'm their meant to be? No. I'm not going to do that. I'll wait for a little while, then I have to be free. If you can't take care of yourself, how can you take care of others? If you don't like yourself, how can you like others? I like myself and I can take care of myself. Maybe they wish to be like me in that aspect. But funny thing is, no one will ever tell me. No one will put their thoughts to voice and tell me. No one has ever conversed with me on that level. I would appreciate it. I wouldn't freak out. Really. I would have more respect for these people if they'd just tell me what they're thinking. Sometimes it's on their faces, alot of times if it's there, visible, they tell me something else. Why? Afraid to hurt my feelings? Am I that delicate? Hell no!

So here I am again. Waiting for the inevitable. The same ol' shit. Too afraid to commit, too afraid to fly, too afraid to stand up and be heard. Why is it someone else's fear puts my life on hold? I am never afraid. I let my life take me where I need to be. I love whole hearted, I live life in full view and I dance like no one is watching. If they can't handle it, maybe I'm just not the one for them. I can't be every one's everything. No one can. Or can they and I just haven't found the one that is my everything. I guess I'm scary in that way. I know what I want, what I need. Am I really that scary? Gawd it sucks to be a hopeless romantic. And this one is gonna suck when it all goes down. I hope he finds what he needs. I hope he finds he can handle what life throws at him. Cuz I really think he can. Maybe not with me, but then again, maybe. Just show me!

Dirty Vegas Videos Ringtones

3 Months is a long time

2008-01-28T19:25:00.000-08:00

I guess all it takes is a few months for your life to be totally different from what you thought would be the tell all, be all end of everything you know to be your life. 3 months ago I was broken hearted, lost and sad. I felt I had made a connection with someone, someone who couldn't reciprocate his feelings. They were there, we both felt it. There was no denying it for either of us. Alas, he had to return to his life before. With my heart in my hand, I began to heal. Though I miss his personality and his sparkle, I know this wasn't his choice and I came to terms with all of my emotions. Now stronger and able to move on. I realized he opened me up for someone else. He showed me I was capable of attracting a beautiful heart and a solid minded man. I will never forget him. But I would like to thank him someday.

I have met a man that is so close to me, so in tune with me, I had no idea it could be like this. It's more then I've ever experienced before. He can see on my face something bothering me. He pays attention, he's loving and he has a beautiful soul. I can't wait to see him everyday. I can't wait to kiss him everyday. He makes my heart light and my soul complete. We have so much in common. Spooky stuff. I hope it never ends. When we're together, we don't want to be apart. When we're together, we look into each other's eyes just to look. We don't say anything most of the time, but we'll sit there and stare at each other. He amazes me in the things he does. He's so beautiful and brilliant, I almost think this is a dream. Only a few months ago, I was in despair. He was like a light. We both say we're lucky to have the other one. I could see myself married to him for many years to come. Happily married. EWWW! Did I say that out loud? GAWD! But we both feel like we've known each other for longer then 2 months. Like we've known each other forever. I feel loved and wanted and adored. I feel like this is so real, so right. We talk for hours about nothing. I'm in love with this man. Thank you my shy Texas guitarist. I will always think about you. Peace be with you as it is with me.

J Grace

Just Living the Dream, Baby.

2007-10-14T11:06:00.000-07:00

So it's Sunday. A day of rest, household chores and internet surfing. I was in a blistful slumber when all of a sudden I hear the piercing whine of a chain saw very close. I look at the clock and it's 8:30! FUCKING ASSHOLE! Aren't Sundays meant for rest and relaxation? Not to mention how RUDE this is to subject all of his neighbors to this high pitched, squeeling buzzing noise for probably most of the day. But to start at 8:30 in the morning? On a Sunday? Clearly this fellow is an asshole and only thinks of himself. Isn't there some sort of law governing what time of day is appropriate to start makin' noise? Shouldn't I be allowed outside silence or effort there of, till 10am on the weekends? I mean really. Maybe I'm just pissy. Espically since I was so rudely woken up, I think I have a valid reason to be just a little pissy. People, be kind to your neighbors. Cuz this just sucks. And ya, he's still at it. At one point, earlier, I could clearly hear him say...."whadda ya think?" And I loudly proclaimed; "I think you shoulda started at NOON!". Asshole!

J. Grace

And it's Harder as Anything Else

2007-09-08T12:52:00.000-07:00

Just sitting there, bored out of my skull. You came to play. I took one look and had to look away. I couldn't look at you. Your light blinded me. I was so mesmerized by that light, pure curiosity. You began to play that guitar. Your eyes closed and your head fell back. I saw something I'll never forget. Please don't play that song again. I'll cry. I'll cry so hard my eyes will hurt. Don't even start to strum that guitar in those chords. Because i know that song isn't for me, but when you play it..your voice, your face shows what that song means to you. I held back my tears just watching you sing. I didn't even know you and I saw this emerge. This is a man with soul and your soul speaks to me. Your heart is on your sleeve when you play that song. Don't play that song. I've not known you too long. Don't look at me with your blue eyes. That song, that damn song. You had me with that song. The moment I laid eyes on you. You had me when you sang that song. My heart stopped. My soul ached. I've known this ache before. It's harder as anything else. I watched, heart pounding, soul screaming. I put on my best poker face. I didn't want to look like a groupie. You looked at me with those baby blue eyes. My heart stopped again. I wanted to touch your face, kiss your lips, instantly. You made me laugh so much my cheeks hurt. So smart, so beautiful, soulful man. None the likes I've seen. I had to get closer to you, Just talk to you at first, and see if what i was hearing, could be. I couldn't help myself. You came to visit, you wanted to stay. Were you here for me? I don't know. Were you made for me? I don't know that either. It's harder as anything else. I just wanted to talk to you a little. I got my wish. We talked so long. You blew me away. I knew you would. I sat and listened to your voice and heard your words. I never wanted it to end. I wasn't looking for anything, I wasn't expecting this. Just talk to me baby. Long into the night. Till the morning came. You did more then that. Feelings stirred that have been dormant for years. Never laughed so hard in my life.
I could do this for the rest of my life. And not even feel the years go by.
Yes, baby......I could do this for the next 30 years with you.
Your hand on my skin was so warm. Your hand caressing my skin awakened every nerve. My heart would stop with just your touch. I'd hold my breath. I could rest my head on your chest forever. I wanted to heal your wounds and protect you. That face, those eyes, all that blond hair. Just sing to me baby. I could run my hands over your body forever. I could run my fingers through all that hair, soft blond hair. I could kiss those lips forever. I can feel you from far away. I'd rather feel you close by. I have to wait. I have to see. Were you really here for me? Not intentionally. But accidentally. So very briefly. You touched me baby. I left your arm there. I felt I was protected, instantly at ease. I still don't know why we slept that way. I so wanted to curl up next to you. But that song, that damn song. Touched me so far down, though I've not known you long, I'm not sure how you did it. I don't fall that fast, I'm guarded and cautious. You went right though me. Past all my defenses. I'm blown away. Floored. It's harder as anything else. Showed me a glimpse. Timing's off, things need to be done first. Things need to be in order. I knew this going into it. You have much to do. If this is a possibility, things need to be in order. Was that for me? I dunno. Don't do this on my account. Do what you need to do then see how your heart feels. Just talk to me baby. It's hard as anything else. Before you left, I held back my tears. You'd look at my eyes and I'd have to turn away. Showin' you that poker face and not the tears welling up behind my eyes. I'll wait but not forever. I can't. I'll never forget you and I'll always wonder what could have been. Come back to me baby and we'll pick up where we left off. Like a continuum. If it's meant to be, you'll return. Things seem emptier now. Take care of yourself baby. Someone missed you before you even left the driveway. Someone was crying before you ever left. Hard to hide my tears and the sadness at the chance I'll never lay eyes on you again. I may never get another chance. That's the hardest part. But I understand. It has to be. It's harder as anything else to let you go and keep my poker face.....and if you never return, I'll miss you always. Until our paths cross again love. I'll miss you terribly. I'll miss your kiss, I'll miss your touch, I'll miss your caress, I'll miss your beautiful blue eyes and your laugh. I miss you already. Seems like you took part of me with you. And not just my suitcase. This is so much harder as anything else. I'll think about you and all the good times we had together. That last night, going through the crowd. I reached for your hand cuz I didn't want you to get lost without me. I liked holding your hand. It was all so quick. So very brief, such a short time together. I'll think about that last night. . You started to strum that chord on that guitar. My eyes instantly welled up. I had to fight them back. I don't know if you saw it, but you stopped playing that damn song. Thank you....really. I didn't want to cry. It was that song. You touched me so far down with that song that night. The world doesn't see that part of me. But you touched me like it was yours alone, effortlessly. Like you'd been there all along. How did you do that? I hope you think of me. I watched you play and I had to touch you, play with your ears, sit closer to you....and just listen to you sing. You were leaning in to me baby. You felt so good that last night. I was thrashed and I loved every minute of it. The timing was right for that. At last. We fit so well, felt so good, makes me ache now. What I would give to feel you now. I got real close and you got inside. With just one look, one song. Gawd that song. I loved that song. Just talk to me baby. Just sing to me baby. I'm not going anywhere.
Goodbye for now, love.

J. Grace

Modest Mouse "Baby Blue Sedan"

Selzer/Sierra Sunset Experience

2007-06-10T11:25:00.000-07:00

The following was taken directly from Selzer Realty's Property Management web site:

Property Management

RENTING? LEASING? If you want to rent a personal residence, lease commercial office space, or hire a property manager for your rental property, Selzer Realty offers a full-service property management department. Our full-time manager works with a large, professional staff, managing and maintaining a wide variety of rental properties. They will be happy to show you what is available or discuss the management of your property.

*Tenant Screening
*24 Hour Emergency Service
*Rental Collections
*Knowledge of Rental Trends
*Evictions
*Development & Placement of Vacancy Advertising
*Automated Payments of All expenses including Taxes, Insurance and Loan Payments
*Volume Discounts with Local Suppliers
*Licensed Contractors or Full Service Maintenance Crews covered by Worker's Compensation
*Regular Property Inspections
*Property Management Office

Visit Selzer @ http://www.realtyworldselzer.com/default

They forgot to add a few things to this list....

*Ignore all "acquired" tenants regardless of their stated income, except for when rent is due. (3x's the rent with SPOTLESS credit! Medical leans count in their book! All this for some piece of shit apartment! Am I buying or renting here????)
*Lagging on all repairs (Over a year to replace a 20 year old dishwasher!)
*We will keep most if not all of your tenant's deposits! (Regardless of how the place looked upon new tenancy.) And take up to 4 months to return deposits.
*Astronomical hourly wages ($25.00 an Hr.) given to repair men after you terminate vacancy, but repair men are paid $12.00 an hour while their fixing your apartment. Thus SAVING money and putting repair men's wages on vacating tenants.

*Repair Management "pads" hours, services rendered and condition of property on all service receipts. Again saving you, the owners money and putting needed upgrade/repairs on vacating tenants.
*Repair men will damage apartments, then nail tenants with repair costs later. Saving even more money to get your crappy apartment restored so you can charge more rent on the new tenants!

Thus was my experience at Sierra Sunset Apartments.

FUCK YOU SELZER REALTY!

I never have to deal with you again!

J. Grace

Moms get the SHAFT, MAN.

2007-04-20T21:43:00.000-07:00

My son has turned 18. Forget the fact I feel so flippin' old, I should be using geritol and wearing depends; but now I have an 18 year old living in my house. And he doesn't just live here, he LIVES here. All around my house is little bits of him everywhere. BE it a wrapper, his dirty rolled up sock, or his dishes, you know he's been here! He knows he's leaving his mark all over my house, he encourages his friends to do the same. And it's a constant barrage of strange teenagers and their tiny, little, pale girlfriends. All decked out in their ear gear, chain mail and ties. This marauding bunch is into "Guitar Hero" on the Playstation 2 and "butt sex". They like screaming loudly for no apparent reason, because it's "fun". Putting their balls on their buddy's forehead and posting it on myspace. Good Lord! What the hell happened here?!?!?! It's like they try to gross each other out the worst. What are we 5?

I came to a realization. Kick out my son, there goes the wanna be derelicts. It's not like he is a joy to live with. Is it bad to want to kick his lazy, manipulative smart ass out of the house? Since he knows EVERYTHING let him go out and take care of himself. He can get a job, an apartment. Hell he can get a damn car now and not take the test! He says he can just walk into the DMV and they just hand him over a license to drive. Boy, he's in for a surprise. Hell he can write his own excuses to the school if he misses any classes. What the hell does he need me for? Oh yeah! I pay for his Internet and his fridge full of food. He says school sucks. Sucks so bad he repeated the 8th grade and now he's got another year. Shit! I wish he'd take the GED and get it over with. He says he can pass that test easy....piece of cake. DO IT!!!! I'm so ready for this kid to get a taste of adult life. He's in for a big shock. Someday he's going to realize that mom was right. I did. You did. All of us did and will. It's part of growing up and becoming an adult. He's been touting his own horn for years, time to put up or shut up oh lovely offspring. Course I'm to blame for it all if it goes bad.

Moms get the shaft man...I told him he was smart, and he is so brilliant. But he's LAZY. And he wants things easy, handed to him based on his word. He has nothing to back it up. Not enough life under him. So unmotivated, so unwilling to work for things. I never taught my kids to be lazy. I taught them you have to work at things to get what you want in life. I don't understand why he's so stubborn. And he blames me for being the way he is. At some point don't kids have a mind of their own? When does it become his fault? Now that's he's officially an adult? Who made up this rule? I didn't choose for him not to do his 8th grade homework, thus failing and being held back. Why would I wish that upon him? He can be anything he puts his mind to. I just wish he'd put his mind to something, anything, before it's too late. I don't want him to be living with mom when he's 30! Straight kill me! I love my son, don't get me wrong, but he's a big mouth, opinionated, manipulating asshole. At some point his personality and mine became like oil and water. And now that he's an adult, I see light at the end of the tunnel. Just let him survive his adulthood cuz it was tough surviving his childhood. And that's just me and his sister. We survived his childhood. He can be whatever he wants to be, and he'll be good at it. I just hope he picks something good, not illegal, immoral....cuz he'd be good at that too.

J.Grace

Music Video:

Too Shy To Speak

2007-02-11T11:43:00.000-08:00

So there I am, having sushi with a friend on Friday night....and in walks this tall, dark, gleaming smile, absolutely gorgeous guy. He had this glow about him....almost amber in color and a sparkle in his eyes. I tried so hard not to look at him. I was instantly sucked in, I couldn't help it. (secretly I wanted to take his picture and keep that moment for myself.) Out of respect for the person I was with, unlike most dildos here in Ukiah, I kept my eyes forward. (I have excellent preriferial vision. This comes in handy a whole lot. You'll see why in a minute. Must be the "mommy training".) He starts talking to the chef, ribbing him a little and the chef seems to know him. Must be a regular patron, I thought. He had called in an order to go. Looked like 3 orders of Cali rolls...mmm. He's in front of the register, paying for his order, chatting with the chef, and he looks over at me, like right into my eyes. He held that gaze with me for it seemed like a long time, then he starts diggin in his pockets for money, even says something to my friend, and looks up at me again, holding my gaze. (WHAT THE HELL???) They shared a little laugh and I flashed a smirk at him. Again, diverting my eyes so as not to look like a school girl gazing at the object of her crush! Gawd! I'm such a dork! He was still looking at me, like he was gonna say something to me, I could see it out of the corner of my right eye. Then he says, "10 more minutes? Okay, I'll wait." He walks behind me and my friend to sit at the sushi bar. He's leaning over so as not to hit the decorations draped down from the over hang in the ceiling. He says to the chef, "you don't decorate for tall people, here huh?" Ribbing the chef. Their laughing as he takes two steps and leans way too far over me, takes in a deep breath and sits down in the empty seat one over from me. He's still looking at me! (WHAT THE HELL???) Leaning over the bar so much as to be in my "personal space" as he's adjusting his coat. He coulda leaned the other way, there were two empty seats next to him. (This happens a lot to me, people like to get into my "personal space bubble"....I'm not sure why this has been happening. And it only started happening since I moved up here.) He finally looks at the chef and starts ribbing him some more. Their going back and forth, free lunch this, taco bell that. It was amusing and I was in awe at how friendly this guy was and quick too. The chef is all backed up on orders, so the chef's wife asked him if he'd like a soporo, beer. They carry on some more, chit-chatting. She was pouring the beer for him and again, he looked directly at me as if he was going to say something. Again, I diverted my gaze to my sushi being made. (Which was directly in front of him.) He kept staring at me. I'm really a shy person with an outgoing brain, I just can't make my lips move to speak. Like stage fright. I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth or sound like a retard. But I could feel his eyes on me, I could see his gaze through the corner of my left eye. I didn't say anything and neither did he. He took in a breath like he was going to say something to me. I kept staring straight ahead. He let it out in a quiet sigh. (This is how close to him I was.) Some more chatting ensued while he drank his beer. He kept putting it down and looking at me, then he'd look back at the chef. He did this for about 10 minutes. It was like he wanted to say something to me but didn't. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it was a little on the weird side. I had to stay cool, I didn't want to offend my friend. His order was ready, he finished off the rest of his beer, stood up and leaned over me again, walking toward the register. The chef's wife put his stuff in a bag and handed it to him. He gazed at me again, turning on his heals and was headed toward the door. I heard the door open and it took a long time to shut. It was a heavy door and closed easily. I got the feeling he paused at the door and looked back at me. I could feel his gaze at the back of my neck. Then he was gone.

WHAT THE HELL???? Why does this keep happening to me? Really? Anybody else have these "feelings"? Or should I be calling the psyche ward? Is it we as humans don't act on our gut instincts? Our feelings? I wonder if I'll see this guy again, somewhere. I would have liked to talk to him. I guess I have this radar that's constantly going. It picks up on certain people. Maybe it was that he was very personable, funny and outgoing, and really I'm drawn to those types of people. Usually the attraction isn't reciprocated. Sometimes certain people ricochet off me and I off them. I'm not sure why this is. Sometimes, there's nothing and I chalk it up to they have attractive features that I see, the photographer mind kicks in and that's the end of it. Then there are these other people. Sure, they're attractive. But usually at the beginning, my pessimistic mind takes over and I'm too fat, too ugly, not as popular as this person clearly is, so I don't put any more thought into them. It kinda ends there. Only this one, he was different. He reciprocated, almost like I could hear his thoughts in his head, but not really. Intuition? Maybe. I'd let it go by now but this encounter seems to keep creeping into my head over and over again. I had thoughts of going back to the sushi bar and giving the chef my card and asking him to give it to this beautiful stranger so I could take his picture. You know I won't. Hell I was too shy to even speak! There's no way I'd walk in there and do this. But you never know. If I get the chance again, I'll speak up. Hopefully. Gawd! I'm such a dork!!!!

Just not meant to be

2007-01-07T00:01:00.000-08:00

Okay, I knew it had be too good to be true. I just don't get it. Why do guys feel they need to impress me with money and pretending to be who they're not. I just don't get it. I'm an honest and up front type of person. I don't have any money either, it's cool....I'm happy. Money comes and Money goes....mostly goes....But since I started this newly found single life, I keep running across these candidates for Prozac poster children. What the hell? The latest one, he went the way of fabricating a much brighter life only to have me discover he was full of shit! My mistake. I take people at their word. Sorry it's old school I know but damn, am I that gullible? Lie after lie, and I believe most of it was made up on the spot. I actually believed his shit! I'm not perfect, I don't' expect anyone else to be. People when you're life is nothing but drama, figure out why you are causing your drama, YOU ARE THE CAUSE OF YOUR OWN DRAMA. Don't put it on someone else to solve your drama. That's not fair. And if you're sick, get help, seek help....don't live in denial. Common'...it's in your face how can you pretend it's not there? It's blatantly obvious, why deny it? I'm tired. I don't need teenage drama and flat out denial. I'm too old for this crap. It's not working! You're not fooling anyone. Put it away Suzi.

I'm sad about this last one. He was very sweet to me. I had an early sign. I knew we had no chemistry after when we went to the coast and there was no TV at the B&B! OH my GAWD the horror! (I can seriously live without tv. DSL hookup? Kill me first before dial up!) But he couldn't. I really liked this one. I knew this trip would be the tell all be all relationship breaker. Yep, I was right, we couldn't hold a conversation to save our lives. We were doomed. Cuz ya know, when the sex is gone, all you got left is conversation. And really I just like to be held. Then after that purely obvious flaw in this match, the lies started to fly.

I was dumbfounded at first....going "what the hell????" I laid back and watched. See how far he'd take it. He took it way far. So far out there that I no longer believe anything that comes out of his mouth. We're talking pathological liar here. Or in desperate need of some psyche drugs. Something, cuz that boy just ain't right. Definitely not a life partner. By any means.

Then the annoying habits started to come into play. 15 phone calls to my cell and home phone in just under 2 hours. Leaving a message every time. Saying stuff like "I'm going to bed" in a panic stricken voice, 6 times in a row....! Or the beat puppy dog voice when I don't pick up my cell phone after the 6th call in 10 minutes. Maybe it's me. I don't have the urge to call my significant other multiple times a day to listen to them breathe in the phone. Let me just give you an example of the kind of drama I've been putting up with for the last 6 months....

It started out....Hey baby what do you REALLY want for Christmas? A Nikkon D80 camera. But it's too expensive to ask for, but I'm buying it in Feb. It's too much for someone to spend on me.

For weeks after that, he kept saying, "you're gonna love your present". "it's your dream camera"...."I paid for all of it at the camera store in town". "you can pick it up in a week, they were out of them".
One week later: "oh, there's something wrong with the lens, has to be sent back, another week".
One week later on that Friday: "my credit card didn't go through". "I'll have my boss send a check to the camera store via Fed Ex".
That Saturday: "Fed Ex picked up the check, but nobody knows where it went after that". (I had a photo gig to do that night, I was sweatin it big time.) "We're sending a courier out to pick up another check and deliver it to the camera store by 4 o'clock today".

4 O'clock: Camera store owner calls me and says, "We have to wait for the check to clear, you can come pick it up in 5 working days". (Luckily, I'm a resourceful girl and pulled off that gig without a hitch.)
That following Friday": "Do me a big favor, go pick up your camera". Not 15 minutes went by and the owner called me up and said they had a letter from the bank saying they cancelled the check. Must be a mistake, right? I found out later that this check from his boss was cancelled on purpose because they were bankrupt and had no money to cover it. Interesting.

Then for a few days I heard nothing of the camera. Until we were on a little trip he insisted on taking to the coast. "oh your birthday/Christmas present is under the back seat of my truck."

We get down to the bay area and he disappears for a few hours. I found out later that he had gone to another camera shop and bought it Christmas eve. He hands the bag to my mom and asks her to wrap it. Then he insists on making me open it in front of my whole family who was attending the traditional dinner. We always open our gifts from immediate family after the cousins and aunts all leave. Cuz we don't wanna make people feel left out or bad....cuz it's just a frenzy. Anyway, he makes me open it in front of everyone, and as I pull out the box, there is stunned silence. It's a camera alright, a camera that was not what I wanted and it had no lenses. I couldn't even use it. I went over to him and kissed his cheek and told him thank you while my family looked on in disbelief. They all knew what it was supposed to be, including me, cuz he couldn't keep his mouth shut and he's quite the bragger. Then later he tells me that I can take it back and get the one I want because they didn't have any more D80s in stock. He said he paid for all the lenses and a kit, I just have to return it up where I live later on. Okay, I can do that.
Where's the receipt? "oh, I left it in my friend's truck. He's gonna send it up to you Fex Ex." By this time we had gone home, 3 hours north of where he bought it.
I won't even get into the drama that ensued during that few days. He ended up being driven by this friend back down south, the friend brought the receipt up with him when he picked him up. When I got the receipt, I noticed it's much lower then the price of the camera I wanted. ( I had been pricing these for a year, I knew how much it was.) Like 2/3 less. "just have the sales guy pull up the receipt number and it will show all the stuff I bought at the other store."

So the following Saturday I take an hour long car ride down to return the camera and do like he said to do. I walked out of that store not even being able to return it cuz the check hadn't gone through yet!
At that point, I was done. I packed up all that was givin to me and sent it back down to him. I told him to keep his money, I was getting the damn thing in Feb anyway. "Just get your money back".

I then broke up with him. It wasn't just because of the camera drama, there was much much more in between that I just can't bore you with. Including, but not limited to several blows to the head, two trips to the ER and many panic attacks. Blood where it shouldn't be and then hidden in plain sight. Kids not spoken of and an army career that never existed. Not to mention the white elephant of a house and a Harley that he pretended didn't exist and thus abandoned. I'd had it. The denial was too large for me to tackle. Bold faced, flat out lies. I was done. I was so overwhelmed with his problems that mine ceased to exist. Though tiny in comparison, let me tell ya, they had all been pushed aside to deal with his. I woke up and decided that was enough.

But the camera just won't go away. Today I received, via Fed Ex, a package from him. It is a Nikkon Cool Pix digital camera and Epson printer. Very nice indeed, but still not a Nikkon D80. I'll keep it because he went through all this drama, self inflicted drama, to buy me a camera. I'll always think of him when I use it. I did really like him. He just blew it by pretending to be something he wasn't. And there is so much more, so much more I could say, but I cared for the guy and I'm not going to air all of his flaws on the web.

It just wasn't meant to be. SaLaVie.

J. Grace

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Always

2006-11-08T20:32:00.000-08:00

Always There Are the Horses

I ride because I rode as a child when life was simpler and somehow more complete. Only the whiff of a clean horse is needed to remind me of days gone by. For always there have been the horses.

I ride because of all the great horse souls who have shared their lives with me and taught me more than I can say. Their names and faces flash before me as old friends. I ride because of all the horses I shall never ride. Those I have watched and marveled at from afar for all their grace and beauty. This is the stuff of a child's dream, the kind that doesn't die with time.

Always there are the horses.

I ride because the seasons call to me. Each unique in its appeal and all quite frequently best viewed from the back of a favorite horse. I ride because of all things, horses are my passion. They inspire and encourage, energize,

and challenge in ways I cannot explain to theun-initiated.

I ride because of the rush of stretching one's self just a bit farther today than before both mind and body.

Always there are the horses.

I ride because of those briefest of spans when the partnership comes to full promise. When the path twists and barriers fall,

each footfall is measured and balanced between the two as a dance.

There are no others...only this moment and this single step to ride.

The memories of those times stand vivid in my mind to be recalled with all the freshness of the day at will and in times less grand.

But if I must choose, I ride because I have dreams yet to live. I ride because I have dreams yet to have and what exactly they will be tomorrow I cannot say...but always there will be the horses.

- Author M. Adelia Ramey

N. Carolina

Photos by....WWW.GoofieGracie.com

Accidents, Strangers, Lawyers and Greedy People

2006-08-17T20:07:00.000-07:00

So.....this is going to be a rant. I'm just gonna tell it how it is, without exaggeration, wishfull thinking or attempting to piss anybody off. Much.....Hopefully.

My daughter and I were in a car accident in Dec. 2003. I had a gorgeous maroon 2002 Chevy Silverado. I loved that truck. I took really good care of that damn thing and I worked really hard to get it too. Then one miserable December day in a little town called Lakeport, we're cruisin' along Hwy 29 when I get a look at a white Exterra sitting in the middle of the Hwy, with it's blinker on, turning left from the Southbound side of the Hwy. I'm thinking, "is this person really going to turn left there"? Sure enough, as I got closer my eyes were not deceiving me. Then I noticed a Brown Bronco II type mini SUV slamming on it's breaks, water flying up over the sides of the (now much lower) front end and it was about to slam into the back end of the Exterra. I'll never forget that poppin sound as the Bronco slammed into the rear end of the Exterra. I'm looking to my left and I'm prayin in my head, "I escaped it....". No....another poppin sound. I remember her eyes just before she hit. Only this time it was on the left side of my truck, pushing me sideways. We banged back and fourth against the door and then the console on the seat. My daughter was sleeping in the back seat up against the back passenger door of the truck, where this Exterra just hit. It started sliding down the side of my truck, pushing us to the right. I can't control the truck. Just then, the Exterra caught on the back bumper and we began to spin toward the left. Instinctively I began to steer with all of my strength in the direction of the spin. I think we spun at least 3 times. I remember saying "no, no, no" in my head over and over again. I remember thinking "Oh Hannah, be okay, be okay." All I could think about was her, sitting in that back seat, so quiet. I believe she was knocked out for most of this. I tried to steer the truck, pumping the breaks as hard as I could. I remember seeing the horizon pass in front of me several times. We began to slow down only to be facing the wrong direction and sliding backwards. The rear end of the truck dipped down and the front left tire came off the ground. I watched the world begin to turn on it's axes and we came to rest on the roof of the truck. I was disoriented and concerned for Hannah. I said, "Are you okay, Hannah?" And this little voice like a song, came over the back of the seat, "I'm okay mommie". I undid my seat belt and fell to the roof. I spun around to see my daughter. I told her to undo her seat belt but to put her hands up so as not to crash into the roof. She did and all I heard was a thud. I asked her if she was okay. "yes mommie". I spun around and tried to open the driver's door. I couldn't. I spun around again to try the passenger side, I wanted us out of that truck. Nothing. I began to notice feet running towards us. Somebody from outside the truck opened the door and reached in to pull me out. I felt hands grab my arms and pull, I landed in the mud outside of the truck. And without a beat, the same person pulled my daughter out of the truck and into my arms. Thank you who ever you are. Hannah looked at the truck and said, "mommie look at your truck." All I could do was hold on to her. I kept thinking we could have died. I could have lost my lovie. We must have sat in that mud for a long time. I saw people coming towards us, CHP officers and 2 ambulances. I began to notice people pouring out of the Rainbow Ag store and gathering near the fence that ran along the Highway. An older lady motioned for me to come over to her. I took Hannah over and she said she'd watch Hannah. Some of the people there lifted Hannah over the fence and she asked me to get her bear from the truck. I told her I would. I walked over to the truck and an officer that was standing there. He began to ask me in a stern voice, "can I have your license and registration?" I said I would get it when I retrieved Hannah's bear. I searched that truck for a long time. I looked over at Hannah and she was pale white, the older lady holding her hand and her umbrella over Hannah. I was done. I found Hannah's bear, our jackets and backpacks. I found my purse and my license. I really wanted to find my cigs. Really needed a cig! But everything was all over the place. I couldn't find my registration because I kept it in the console and it was flipped open. I walked the bear and our stuff over to Hannah and the older lady. I thanked her. The cop called after me, a little pissed, "did you find your registration?" I told him I looked, it's in there but if he wanted it so damn bad to be my guest and get his fat doughnut ass in there and look for it. I was going with my daughter. The crowd that gathered walked us over to an over hang on the Rainbow Ag store, the older lady offered me some smokes and there we sat for what seemed to be hours. I had called my dad and he sent my brothers out to get us. (Just a funny side note here. When I called my dad, I had noticed there was a missed call from him. He called sometime during the accident! Spooky!) An EMT came over from the wreckage of the Exterra and asked us if (like an after thought.) we wanted to go to the ER. I declined. I just wanted to go home and get Hannah home. We were there for so long after that I watched them load my crushed truck onto a flat bed and drive away. We then endured a long ride home and every bump made us feel sick. Three days later we went to the ER.

Thus began our downward spiral into a medical nightmare. As we sat in the ER being poked and prodded, we were told we both had multiple contusions, severe whiplash injuries, concussed and I had kidney damage. We were xrayed, tested and sent home. I was out of commission for 4 months. I couldn't work, I couldn't sleep and every pang of pain my daughter had sent me on a whirl wind of emotions. We could have died. She was nervous in a car, I was nervous driving one. Then they put me on disability immediately.

I went and got a lawyer. I knew I'd needed one. I later fired this lawyer due to lack of enthusiasm and pure frustration. Nothing was going to happen and I had never even met this guy face to face. Sight unseen, I fired his ass.

I kept in touch with my employer Mendocino Brewing Company the whole time they kept me out of work, because I was a new hire and wanted to return to my job. When I returned to work 4 months later some other guy was doing my job. My hours were reduced to 12 hours a week. No one told me. No one cared enough to tell me. I was devastated. There was nothing I could do about it either. I was 76 days into a 90 day probation period. I was fucked. Two weeks away from becoming a permanent employee and this happens. Makes you wonder about how loyal they are to their employees.

I started going to a chiropractor. Thank gawd for small favors. We met a wonderful couple, Dr. Tipton and Lorna, my chiropractor who saw my daughter and I pro bono. He knew he'd have to wait to get paid on this one and was very accommodating to us. I credit Dr. Tipton for keeping me upright. Thank you for your patience and understanding. We started going 3 times a week. It was a relief to have such wonderful people to help us through this. Thank you guys and good luck on the recent retirement and a much deserved travel plans.

We also started a regiment at Meadows Physical Therapy that was such a great source of inspiration and advice, that I wish I could still go back to. Thank you Herman Meadows, you're doing a wonderful thing for this community. It was hard and painful, but it helped me in the long run.

Now my attention was turned to my new lawyer. He was telling me that the lady that hit me won't come forth with a demand, her injuries or even a lawyer. She was basically ignoring our letters. And that the girl that was in the truck with her was her x boyfriends' daughter and that the parents are fighting over who gets the little girl's money from the accident. He also told me that she went back to work at Safeway 2 weeks after the accident and in those 2 weeks, went and bought a new Exterra to replace her totaled one. Well fuck me! So it became a hurry up and wait type of thing. Very frustrating. All this at the same time the Bronco II driver who caused the accident admitted fault and his insurance policy was only $30K. OH GREAT! Every time I go into that Safeway, I see her. I wonder if she ever wonders "who's this chick staring at me"??? She'll find out soon enough. Daggers baby, daggers coming out of my eyes.

We began to see Dr. Wirth. He is a family practitioner that my dad had been seeing for years. We went and were checked out several times. He was told upfront that this was a motor vehicle accident and he agreed to continue to see us in lieu of payment. He found it necessary to request an MRI on Hannah's head as she was still not her normally bubbly self. She was tired and slow and I was freaked out. I felt the same but I didn't care. This was my little girl. My mind set was to take care of her first. We got the okay from my x husband's insurance company and scheduled the procedure. And yes! Hannah has a brain in there! My son and I were so excited. I told him he could never call his sister brainless again. Cuz I saw it, there's one in there. And get this! I'm still getting a $3500.00 bill from that MRI that was "preapproved". Figure that one out! Then it was my turn. He wanted an MRI done on my lower back. I had symptoms of serious damage, neurological damage to my left side and lower back. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to me, the med pay on my insurance policy ran out long ago. Thus ended our relationship with Dr. Wirth and our proper medical care. I never got that MRI and my chiropractor really would like to see one to this day. And before you ask, he can't request one because it has to be through a "medical" doctor. Oh yes! Yet another catch 22 loop hole!

As for that "med pay", I had no idea that my insurance policy from Allied Insurance Companyonly had $1000.00 each person in the vehicle med pay coverage. I had no idea what that term meant, what it did for me and what it was for. It was glossed over in conversation with the representative when I took out the policy a mere two weeks earlier. She was more interested in me dating her 40 year old son!

At this point I was bombarded with nasty phone calls, a stack of over due bills and mounting bad debit. Redwood Regional Medical Group Ukiah Valley Medical Group Credit Bureau of Ukiah Inc, all were just horrible. One woman at the "Bureau" brought me to tears, like it was my fault that lady crashed into me. There were many more that I can't think of now. It was like I was a total dead beat. Like I had this stash of cash that I refused to give to them just to be a total bitch. I had to have my lawyer call them off of me. They were like crazed dogs. They were told repeatedly that this was a motor vehicle accident and they would get paid when I got paid. My credit rating was plummeting every day. They called my work, they called my house, my cell phone, it was crazy. I couldn't pay my rent and my mom bailed me out on numerous occasions. She bought a truck for me on the promise I would pay her when my settlement was finished. We were thinking maybe a year.....wishful thinking, I tell ya what. Then my dickhead of a property manager, whom was being paid, decided to sell the house to a friend of his. I had to uproot my two kids, who lived in the house for over 2 years, had their own rooms and move in 30 days. We moved to this tiny little 2 bedroom apartment, in the same neighborhood in the hopes we would be out of there soon. I crammed a 3 bedroom house with a 2 car garage into a 2 bedroom apartment. I was hopeful I would rebound on the job front and make a little bit more money then unemployment and disability could afford me. We're still here. Almost 3 years later. And this pile of paper bills is getting bigger and bigger. I'm afraid to stick my neck out on a bigger rent bill. It could be worse. At least we have a pool. Shit!

So here we are....almost 3 years later. My liar, sorry LAWYER calls me and tells me that she's obtained a lawyer right before the statute of limitations ran out. OH yeah! so? What? Let me guess; hurry up and wait some more. No! He says. We're going to mediation in Oct. He's trying to get them to settle. He's not budging on exactly half of the guy's policy for just me and maybe split the remaining with Hannah. Either way, it's coming to an end and we will get the bigger half of the policy. And you must be thinking...."all this for $15K? Oh no....this is just the beginning. I had a "under insured motorist" policy. We have to finish this policy out before I can have that payout on my policy. I've waited this long, I think I can wait a little longer. Oh and get this! He goes on to tell me that her medical bills are only $3K!!!! The kid's dad, the X boyfriend, never showed his face, they've been dropped from the suit. Hummm....Karma? Maybe.

And all this time it takes me a good half hour to warm up my muscles when I get out of bed in the morning. I'm stiff, I can't sit in one place for long periods of time; I can't ride horses anymore, (This especially breaks my heart. I've been an avid horse nut since I was 3 years old. It makes me cry to think about it.); I can't ride motorcycles, jet skis and all this pain I feel in my neck, my lower back, my hip and all that radiates into my legs is now permanent. I feel a constant ache and at times it cramps and I use a large ice pack to unlock those muscles. I never had to do this before in my life. I never felt this until after this accident. My left hand gives out on me due to the neurological damage I experienced and my left hip gives out if I put too much weight on it for long periods of time. I've reached the 2 year mark that tells you if the damage is permanent. Guess what, this is it. This is what I will be for the rest of my life. And I've been told it could develop into arthritis and really screw up my golden years. Oh yes, bend me over some more! I so don't need that vasaline! And my daughter? I got real lucky. She seems to be okay with a recurring neck cramping and headaches, I think she'll be fine. Thank GAWD!

Just think! All this damage, delay and heart break for a measly $3000.00! I hope you choke on it you Safeway working, Exterra driving dumb shit. If you had only gone ONE FUCKING BLOCK SOUTH TO THE FOUR WAY SIGNALED INTERSECTION, I wouldn't be in this mess!

And just for the record, I think you caused the accident! But I will be laughing LAST. So blow me! Greedy BEEEOTCH! So stick that $3000.00 up your ass!

J Grace

Pulled Every Which Way

2006-08-08T19:23:00.000-07:00

I've just go to say I've been inundated with other people's drama, and from a strange place to boot. I try to please some of the people some of the time. Most of the time, I think everything is peachy. While other's seem to go off on their own weird tangents, under the radar. And out of left field, I'm a piece of shit.......
My mother put it best. Misery loves company. I'm not playing anymore. This company has left the building. I'm sad to say. I just don't have the energy to please others anymore. I'm gonna please me for a change. Myself has played second, third, fourth and fifth. So besides my children, I'm next. Then the rest of you can just get in line. And the squeeky wheel?......well they can move to the back of the line and squeek as much as their heart desires. Have a nice day.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

2006-07-06T22:31:00.000-07:00

I never believed in love at first sight. I thought that stuff only happens in the movies. Right? I'm cruizin' to ma's house down south, East Bay area, for the weekend. Mom was movin and she needed some help. My Lovie was staying the week, before the big trip back east to see her dad. Spendin' time with the G-Ma.

Anyway....I pull into the drive way....pour outta the truck with my crap in hand and Lovie in tow. I go bouncing up the front porch and pop into the open front door. I come face to face and eye to eye with this big, tatooed, bald headed biker type standing in my childhood living room. I took a quick glance at his face and I thought I recognized him for just a second. He looked just like someone I knew. Then I realized but only after I muttered the words...."What arrrrreeee youuuuuu doing".....(I wanted to say here?) this guy has tatoos and a red goatee....this isn't who I think it is....but DAMN!!!! Who IS this???? After what seemed to be a really long moment, mom breaks the silence and says, "this is my new roommate, Tom; This is my daughter, Juliet". (oh gawd! thanks ma.) I'm an idiot and I have no skills...really I'm a total dork....my face felt flushed and all I could do was look at his green, intense eyes...."Hi, how are ya?' he says, in this deep, raspy voice. Oh....I could feel my face getting hotter. Things were getting moist...and breathing became loud in my own head. What the hell is going on here? Oh shit! The moment passes and Lovie and I go about our day with the G-Ma. But during the whole weekend, Tom would show up....smile at me, with those sexy eyes and this killer grin, I couldn't take my eyes off him. We flirted something feirce that weekend. I later found out that his son said, right after that first moment, "DAD! Did you see the way she looked at you?!?!?". The same time my mother and my daughter made comments like "Do you know him?"....no. "What was that all about?'. I dunno. I thought he was someone else....until I got a good look at him. Trying to play it off. But every one in that room saw the electricity, saw the attraction, instant attraction. I wanted to kiss those lips from that moment on.

He kept coming around and doing stuff for my mom. She boasted about him, sung his praises and the whole time he had this look in his eye, like he wanted to rip my clothes off and chew on me. I like big biker types, I like tatoos....I like him a whole lot. He peaked my interest. We put mom's waterbed together, moved a bunch of her stuff. He did it all without a second thought. And he was right there helpin me and giving my longing gazes into his beautiful green eyes his full attention. MMMM. So I go back home, north, kinda bummed out.

The next weekend....I have to go down to drop off the boy. Their flying out the following tuesday and I had the whole 4 days to play with my new playmate. Let the flirting begin. It didn't last long. I think I was there two days and he kissed me. So soft, so passionate, strong arms around me. I melted. He picked me up and put me on my mom's granite counter top and kissed me....that was it. I was his. But he didn't know it yet.

That kiss put me over the top. We flirted with unyeilding vigor. Winking at each other when nobody was looking. Brushing past each other while eyes were elsewhere. He then did something I've never done. We went to the store for ma and he took a little detour. He popped into a nail salon. He wanted me to have a peticure. I've never had one before and really didn't know what to expect. We sat there waiting for my turn and this lady turns around and says, "I can't even get my husband to take me here let alone, sit in here with me". Wow, really? When they asked me to take a chair in the foot spa thing, he bent down and massaged my feet in front of everyone. I was in shock. He then sat back down and watched me. He sent me text messages saying how beautiful I was. Asked me how it felt. Geez, that was the best. I got a french manicure with a hot pink flower on each big toe. Their so CUTE! I'm not a big fan of girly stuff...but boy, I could get used to that. Then he whisks me off to lunch. We finally got to the store for mom. We went back to G-ma's house and proceeded to cook a fabulous steak barbeque dinner for everyone, the whole time, touching each other ever so slightly. Without letting on we were touching.

Later that night he took me and my wenchy out for a drink at the marina. I know he wanted to get me there alone. And I think Wenchy went to make sure he wasn't a nut job. We had a great time. I've never seen anyone dish back the crap my wenchy was giving out. That blew my mind. He was right there in it, scrappin' with her and she was warming up to him. NOT an easy thing to do. Espically a guy that wants the effections of her wenchy. We had a nice walk around the jogging course, it was all good. The next night it was our turn, alone. We sat in my truck and talked about all sorts of things. From life to death to merriage. It was like I've known him all my life. I was that comfortable with him from the get go. I've since talked him into coming up north and leaving the stressfull bay area for the calm and serenity of Mendocino county, if only for a weekend. I think he really liked it up here. We spent the fourth of July hugging under the stars and watching the fireworks. We had our own fireworks later......

I got ready for work this morning and put on my black sweatshirt.....much to my surprise, his colonge was all over that sweatshirt. I smelled it all day long and daydreamed. I even had my co-worker ladies smell it too! I think I'm in love and I think it started that first day, that first glance, that first intense look into those beautiful eyes. Oh it's a good life.

J Grace

What happens at grandma's, stays at grandma's.

2006-07-04T19:00:00.000-07:00

Check this out. We're hanging out in the front yard at my mom's new house. And I'm talking to mom's hot new roommate. All of a sudden..."CRASH, BANG"! This little white car flys through a four way stop sign, smashes into the front end of a black Honda, totaling it, as it rolls back and smashes the front of some red car; the guy jumps the curb and barely missing the huge tree in the front yard and plows into the side of my mom's next door neighbor's house! Everyone came running outside and my wenchy had her camera.
Just goes to show you....don't get your foot stuck on the wrong pedal. What a great weekend at Grandma's house. Never a dull moment.

Tom, mom's hot roommate, grabs the camera and takes these killer pictures of the wreck. Then jumps on the back of one of the 3, yes 3 firetrucks that showed up at the scene for a campy moment with my son. They're so cute.

Old Flame, New Love

2006-06-03T09:06:00.000-07:00

Okay I'm truly scared now. I'm at the bar with my best girlfriend and she gets this text from one of her good friends. She's known this guy for years. Both of us have. I went to the guy's 18th birthday long ago and far away. Anyway, she's chatting away and all of a sudden I get this text. It's this guy she was chatting with. We're deep in flirting with one another and the night ended uneventfully. Thus began a torrid cell phone love affair. Every night for a couple of months we talked on the phone. He didn't live in California. I kept thinking this isn't going to get anywhere. Little did I know......

Well here it is 3 months later and I'm picking him up at the airport. As soon as I drive up to greet him, all the sexual tension, attraction came right back. We were just kids back then. I was already involved with the kid's dad but we kissed that night at his party. I remembered how attracted I was to him back then. Blonde, blue eyed, tall. Really cute. And so fast! He lived a fast life. It scared me back then, it scares me now.

Now he's a little older, a little disheveled and wearing his life scars all over him. He's a tad bit mellower, but still too fast. He looked like he had been to hell and back. He came to visit for a week, so we could rehash old feelings and see if anything would develop. OH and it did. We're both single now. Lonely. That first night was odd. I've been alone for such a long time, I didn't know how to deal with having a man so attracted to me and in my face. He barely brought anything with him. Just a few items of clothes and he kinda blew off the rest of his belongings for where he came. I'm freaked out about this part. He has a house and a boat and cars out there, why would he blow those off. He doesn't call his family or his friends. I haven't told my best friend yet. (Though I will within a few minutes of posting this.) Within two days he professed his love and devotion. Now I'm really scared. He wants to take care of me and my kids. Wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. There's one problem. He reminds me so much of my x, the one that devastated my life and had such an impact, I didn't think I could love again. He looks like him, some of his issues are exactly like this x and he even acts like him at times. I'm scared.

Now he's living here with my kids and I. He went out and got a job within 4 days of coming out here. A major feat in this town. He's made friends and he likes his new job. He dropped everything and moved here. This freaks me out. I love the guy, but I don't know if I'm "in love" with him. I don't know what the hell to do. With his dropping everything and professing his undying love for me within a few days, it makes me wonder if he had anything to begin with. Did he really have a life to leave? Can he go back? I don't know. I'm just going with the flow right now. I feel crowded and pushed. I feel like I didn't have a choice in this love affair. Is this a control thing? I've always had feelings for the guy, I've always loved the guy, but am I ready for the rest of my life? Maybe I am jaded. Maybe that first cut was too deep. Maybe I'm not ready for this relationship, so quick, so soon. Everything is moving too fast. Now I have an issue to deal with. He's impulsive. He's in my face. He's needy. He won't let me sleep most nights. He tosses and turns, cant' sleep next to the wall cuz he feels confined. My kids are leaving for the east coast soon. I hope things get better then. I guess I'll find out real soon if he's marriage material. For now, I'm holding steady and waiting. I miss my single life. Who would have guessed? Life certainly has it's little tests and trials all mapped out for us. I don't think I'm gonna pass this one. I think I flunked already. Oh how I long for my dark haired, blue eyed bar buddy.And no, I never saw that guy again.

Juliet Grace

A man's worth

2006-04-09T19:36:00.000-07:00

What is a man's worth without the glimpse of a God. And what is a woman's worth without the glimpse of a Goddess.

I loved him because I saw his glmipse of a God. Forever I will remember what I had saw. That glimpse of his God. He was beautiful, powerful, like I harnessed pure energy. For a moment in time. He was mine. And I saw the glimpse of the God he should have been.

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

2006-03-17T14:04:00.000-08:00

Happy St. Paddy's day! Though I don't have a lick of Irish in me, I do think Ireland is one of the most beautiful places on earth. So to all who are Irish! Happy Paddy's day and keep drinking that green beer.
I know I will.....bottom's up baby!

And I thought I was DUN!

2006-03-08T19:28:00.000-08:00

And I thought I was done! Pishaw! So my brother calls me up and wants to go shoot some pool, wanted to know if I'd want to go. Sure! I says. We go down to the local bar and grab up a table. I had reservations about going, being it only Monday and all. But ya know, I said to myself. "I'll just go for a couple of hours". Anyway, so were shootin' pool and his friend shows up and plays with us. Cool! Leaves me free to go flirt with the bartender. Woohoo!

Now keep in mind, I haven't done this sort of thing, the bar scene, in like 15 years. So I'm a tad nervous in a bar. Don't know what to expect and all. I'm over at the bar, flirting my ass off and waiting for my drink to be poured. All of a sudden this "missing link" looking fellow sits down next to me, almost on top of me. He's all hunched over and looking at my face with these wild, strange eyes. Drunk eyes. I quickly avert my astonishment to straight in front of me, which happens to be the bartender, who gives me this look of concern. I'm thinking, "oh SHIT!" I glance out of the side of my eyes to see "LINK" still staring at me! OH HORROR! WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE FREAKS??? Anyway, thank GAWD my brother came up behind me and bailed me outta there. "Let's shoot some pool, fucker."....oh hell yes! FREE! The whole rest of the time he was in there, this LINK fellow, he followed me around the bar. He lurked into the smoking area after I went inside. He brushed up against me as he came in the door. I put out my smoke and left immediately. He lurched past our pool table while I was up to shoot. OH just freaky. I asked my brother and his friend, "you guys will protect me right?"....I hear a resounding "oh hell no! I'm scared!" I said, "will you at least run with me?" "oh yah!" Great, just great! Finally Link left the bar. Whew!

But the night was still young. In walks a trio of hot, tall, blonde guys. I had noticed them all congregating together, then sometime when I wasn't looking, they disappeared. Oh well, I thought. I go off to have another smoke. I swing open the door, it's dark inside, a small bluish box like glow from the Mrs. Pac Man machine and the bar trivia game, I step inside. The door swings shut behind me, and the same three Adonis looking, model types are all standing, facing the door and staring at me. I had to stop and just picture them naked for a fleeting moment. I says, "hi". They all said, in unison, like conjoined triplets, "hi". Then they walk out! Well shit! This is the class, "bar 101". Good Lord! It was nice while it lasted.

Okay so I'm dun, right? Time to go home? But no, wait. Here comes these other three guys, just regular, decent looking Joes steppin' up to the bar and pullin' up a stool. I'm back shooting pool with the boys, in dire need of more Yagermiester and my brother in need of a beer, I trot off to the bar stools so I can once again take the opportunity to flirt with the bartender. I'm waiting to get my flirtatious bartender's attention, there's a lot of people in here on a Monday night. Don't these people have jobs? Hahaha. I plop down on a bar stool next to these three chatting guys, who sat at the end of the bar. I turn and look one of the guys in the face and strike up a conversation. I'm chatting with all three of them in a matter of minutes and having a good time, I forgot all about my brother's beer. He comes over and says, "your up"....."I don't wanna play"....."play for me".....he goes off to shoot more pool and left me to my conversation with these three guys. They introduce themselves. The one I sat next to had such a great face, I felt compelled to stay there and talk to him. So I did. The conversation flowed so easy and we were two inches from each other's noses. I'm chattin' away, he's responding, smiling, what a smile! And he had the deepest blue eyes I think I have ever seen. He was smart, cute, funny....oh lordy! My heart skipped a beat a few times. What's this? I thought, No! Can this be? I thought I was DUN!!!!

So as the night went on, we talked about our brackgrounds, where we grew up, all sorts of stuff. I haven't felt this comfortable in years. I kept leaning into him, so I could hear his voice. It was like velvet. He told me stories of the bartender and his black leather trench coat days. We laughed easily, smiled a whole lot. I couldn't get over those blue eyes of his. My heart racing the whole time. It was a strange feeling to me. Almost foreign. But yet, so enveloping and soothing. Bizzare. He started playing Liar's dice with my brother, trying to teach me how to play. I'm not a good liar, I don't have a poker face. So I would lean over and look at each one's dice after they rolled them. I'd lean real close to my new friend and I could tell he was smelling my perfume. I could hear him take in a breath every time I leaned over to see his dice. I had an uncontrollable urge to kiss those lips. I was drawn to his lips! I wanted to kiss him! What the hell is this about. I fought my urge with everything I had and continued to put on my best poker face and play dice. We laughed so much. I kept giving away their lies! I couldn't help it. I don't have a good poker face. But my face was flushed and I was having a good time. Unfortunately, time was up and he had to take his friend home. They abruptly got up, said good night and left. AUGH!!!! I had so much fun, I forgot to get his phone number! Can you believe it!!!!???? I'm such an idiot!!!! OH please let me run into him again....I promise, I'll go slow, just give me another shot at hanging out with him. I just want to talk to him some more. I'd like to get to know him and not the way you may be thinking, but truly know him before anything else. I can't get those blue eyes and that killer grin out of my head. I've been thinking about him ever since.

I think Cupid was whispering in our ears that night. Cuz we both looked like the
Cheshire cat, big stupid grin, chatting our asses off. I like him and I think he liked me.
We'll see.....maybe I'm not just DUN yet.

Love and peace my friends, keep your fingers crossed for me.

Juliet Grace

Discouraged

2006-02-20T18:38:00.000-08:00

The first cut is the deepest. Or so they say. I have to admit, I'm very discouraged by the potential boyfriend pool around here. There's not much to pick from. Not that I'm a drop dead gorgeous and can pick and choose a potential mate; I'm cute, (or so I'm told); but man, there's nothing out here. Maybe it's me. Maybe that first cut was too deep. I know it sure hurt for a long, long time. I'm over that one. Hell it was almost 4 years ago. I learned a lot from that one, I'll tell ya. But ever since, I've met up with the weirdest bunch of guys that would make any girl turn tail and run. So I'd hang out with these guys for a little while to get to know the "real" person inside. Cuz it's all bullshit on the internet. Every guy is "easy going", "drama free", "compassionate" and "honest". Well shit, most of em' didn't give me a chance to get past their surface crap. A large number, when seen face to face, did not have a resemblence to the picture that's 5-10 years old, they had posted on the web of themselves. Maybe it's just as well. Then I get a glimpse into who they really are. Or maybe it's just my perception of who I think they are. Either way, it doesn't turn out so good.

I've been serial dating for a little over 2 years now. I've come across a number of different guys with different issues. One was a bull rider that lied, had other girls on the side and wanted me to wait on him hand and foot, some control thing, I guess. Another was an insecure bow hunter that thought he had a tiny penis. One was the squeakiest money spender I had ever seen. (Not that money matters to me.) Another was too clingy and needy. He had the greatest potential, he had everything I was looking for. Unfortunatly there were some ghosts in his closet, too big for me to exercise out. Then there was the old man, who posted 10 year old pictures on the web. That one didn't even get past drinks at the resturaunt. These were internet blind dates. I know what you're thinking....Why? Cuz there's no place to meet people here in the boonies. After all this, I swore off the internet for good. I'm deleting all my profiles out there, one by one.

So what's a single chick supposed to do? Go to the BAR! Oh hell! That's turning out to be just as bad as the internet thing. My first month out was a disaster. I'm friendly and I like to meet new people, regardless if they're mate potential or not. So I go to the bar. My first night out, not only do I strike up a conversation with a guy, who was with 2 other guys and a girl, but supposedly I'm the other woman now. I had never laid eyes on this guy until that night at the bar, next thing I know, pardon me for being friendly and talking to the guy, I'm "involved" with him now. Oh hell no! Then when I actually start to like someone else at the bar, I hear a nasty rumor that he's bisexual and a druggie. Then he starts spouting off about how all women are "evil". Well this is just great. I think I'm gonna quit looking now. I've had enough of this bullshit.

I'm a smart, sensitive, passionate woman who has her own life, her own money and likes her down time. I am issue free and intuitive, sometimes to a fault. I'm generous, helpful and loving. I have a job, I don't live with mom, and I own a nice ride. I'm not obese or toothless and I have all my hair. What the hell???? WHY CAN'T I find someone, anyone that's not nuts, freaky, weird or a controlling narcissistic asshole????? We all deserve to be loved. I gotta get this looser magnet off my forehead. In this world of sex now, relationship later; I'm gonna wait it out. Sorry guys, I'm not gonna be so easy to get to know. Due to technical difficulties, and circumstances beyond my control, I have to make sure you're worthy. Can you fill out this questionaire????
I figure if I make some male friends maybe one will reveal himself to be worthy of my love and devotion. One will stand up and take notice that I'm a helluve a catch and his life would only be improved with me as his girlfriend. I think I'm gonna have some serious gray hair before I find him. Until then, I'm gonna take care of things and make my goals a reality.

The first cut may be the deepest, and I may be jaded, but you can see what I'm dealing with here. If I'm truly jaded, do you think I'd hold faith that someday I'll find the "right" one for me? No I wouldn't. I'd loose all hope of ever finding that love. I'm a hopeless romantic and I know this can't be all there is. Is it? I hold out hope that there is someone for everyone. Someday he'll reveal himself to me.

Juliet Grace

William Henry Lubker; My Grandfather

2006-02-04T10:03:00.000-08:00

Today is the day of the funeral for my Grandfather. This is the fifth relative I've burried in 3 years. I hope this is the last one for a very, very long time. If any of the remaining people in my family go, it will be devistaing. Not that the last five were not, but the survivors that are left in this family all mean so much to me and my kids.

My Grandfather was an incredible man. This is the man that taught me how to fish. A huge passion for him. He was a volunteer firefighter, a sucessful realtor for many years in my home town, a loving father, a great Grandpa and even more of a great great Grandpa. A lot of people have my Grandpa to thank for getting them their first house or some financial help. He was a leader in his community and helped so many people. He was my Grandmother's love of her life and she was his. They were soul mates. Finally after 18 years, they're together again. My Grandmother died in 1988. He died with diginity and love all around him. This is the way he wanted to go.

My mother called me and told me it was looking bad. So reluctantly, I packed my truck and the kids and headed down south. I was reluctant because I didn't know how bad he was and I almost didn't want to remember him like this, in his last few hours of life. But it was important to me that I see him before he made his final journey. To tell him I loved him. We did the Santa Rosa crawl, the Emeryville crawl and even crawled pasted the Oakland colseum. Something was keeping me from seeing my Grandpa and I had a severe case of road rage. (All these damn CARS! This is why I live up north. ) We finally made it, straight shot right to Grandpa's house. He's lived in the same house since I was like 7 or so. We've had so many family parties, gatherings and barbques there. And in the last few years, a few wakes. Anyway, I walked in the door and my mother, aunt and her crew were all there, hovering around my Grandpa. He was incohereant and listless. I found out he was in pain early on in the morning, so the docs gave him morphine to ease his suffering. He was barely concious.

I leaned down and kissed his sweat beaten forehead. He had a strange sound to him. They all piped up and told me it was the "death rattle".....great name for that...thanks whoever thought that one up. Then my aunt starts yelling at him...."dad, Juliet is here".....he wanted to sit up. The whole time I'm crouching next to the couch. He manages to get sat up straight and I got this voice in my head, this is it, Juliet, you better tell him what you came to say. I took his hand in mine and I got in his field of vision, about 2 inches from his nose and I whispered, "Grandpa, Grandpa, we're here, we love you, you can go home now, Grandma is waiting fo r you." He opened his eyes and he focused on me and he smiled. That was the last smile anyone got and it was for me. I know he knew I was there, I know he could hear me, I know he recognized me. I could smell my Grandma, I could feel her and I swear I felt her touch my shoulder as this exchange took place. The rest of the night he laid peacefully, breathing that funny breath and not really moving. We kept him warm, talked about old times and the fun he had in life. We talked about his accomplishments and his passions. We relived last years Thankgiving over and over again. We had taken him up to the mountains, somewhere he truly loved, and had a huge feast in the Sierras. It was his last trip. He slowly slipped away until the next morning when he took his last breath and was gone.

There was a part of me that wanted to celebrate. He gets to see my Grandma after all these years. I wished it was me. I miss her so much. But I know it's not my time yet. I know he saw her way before he actually left us. She occupied a chair the whole time I was there. I could feel her and I could smell her. She was taking him home. I was so glad for that. So glad that he is finally with her. I know he missed her so very much. It had been 18 years since she died, she was still young and it hit our family hard, we weren't the same after that. He never remarried, though he had a companion who loved him dearly and I was glad that he didn't spend the rest of his years alone. He was very easy to love. I was also glad that Grandpa didn't suffer and that he was in no pain. The kind of cancer he had could have left him in severe pain, but something stopped that and I think it had a lot to do with my Grandma. I was so thankful he went without pain and died with his family around him, at home. I look forward to the day when I can see them both again.

I do not fear death. I am not afraid to die. I don't want to feel pain when I go, I'd like to go peacefully and quietly. But I don't fear death. I believe that you see all your friends and relatives that have passed before you, they help you along. I believe that your spirit goes to a beautiful place, you become pain free, you don't have fear, you don't have guilt or stress, you become what you perceive in your life to be at your peak. Some say you become 30 years old again. I don't know about that. I do know that it's a better place then earth. And I look forward to seeing my Grandma, my Grandpa, my step dad; Randy, my uncle Gene and uncle Marshall and my aunt Mern, all of whom I miss so very much. Our lives haven't been the same since they left us here on earth. I miss all of you and please take care of my Grandpa, he's new.

Love and peace,

Juliet Grace

5 Weirdest things about me.....Thanks Tigress

2006-01-10T14:05:00.000-08:00

Okay here goes.....

1. I don't like toenails. If you've got icky, brown, cracked toenails, don't show me your feet. I once saw this porno of some chick sucking on a black guys' toes and she actually picked off some dead skin and continued sucking....OH JUST FLIPPIN' YUCKY! I could have thrown up. And he had all these corns and callouses on the toes she was sucking. NOT SEXY BABE.

2. I don't like the sound of people running back and forth in the apartment above me. It drives me insane. I have these assholes that live above me in this crappy little apartment I was forced to move to, long story. And these people never stop stomping or yelling or falling down, it never stops. I've complained and glared at them. I've even taken my mop handle and pounded on the ceiling to no avail. They even had the audacity to throw their McDonalds debris down on my doorstep, vacuum at 11:30 on a week night and play the crappiest, home burned cd of straight up CRAP as loud as that little piece of shit radio can play. Oh Lordy! They hang out all night, yelling, cussing and being loud till late into the night. Please people! I need to sleep. Obviously these people don't have jobs! People, be kind to your neighbors.....

3. Kids, I like kids, really; But I'm talking bout "little" kids SCREAMING and RUNNING around. People, just because you're in a mall or a restaurant doesn't mean you can let the little glazed doughnut monsters run free. Restrain your children. I have kids and I had enough respect for the general public not to unleash my children on the unsuspecting patrons already at these establishments. And that brings me to small children in an "R" rated movie. Come on! There's gore and slashing on the screen and some kid in the back row starts screaming and crying. Oh that pretty much spoiled the moment for me. Don't take little kids to grown up movies. GAWD! And turn off the damn cell phones, GEEZ! Little kids swearing; it's not cute to teach 3 year old Johnny to say "fuck you". Sorry.

4. I hate unruly, random hairs anywhere. I pluck those suckers right out. And Tigress, I agree, I'm a picker too. Anything on me or my kids, it's gotta be gone. I hate running my hand over someone's' shoulder and feel some icky, little, hard thing, be it a zit or a scab...it's gone. I don't like dirt and stuff under my fingernails either. Long fingernails put on by the salon, a complete waste of money and besides, why do women grow them so long, their hands become useless. Screw that!

5. Oh and i like mint jelly on my lamb chops and applesauce on my pork chops. MMMM...and I eat the center of all oreo's before the cookie. I stir my tea with a butter knife and I prefer soft, real butter to hard, yucky margarine.

Ya BABY! That's what makes us all unique!

Ahhh...youth

2005-11-17T20:33:00.000-08:00

So....Remember when you were young and you had this uncontrollable urge to do what you knew wasn't a good choice at the time??? But you did it anyway???? Tell me if I'm a bad mom....

My son is almost 17 years old. He's had the same girlfriend for a long time, about a year or so. He's never skipped a day of school in his life. With the exceptions of faking the "24 hour" flu. Or maybe he had the "I don't wanna go" itis. Who knows, but he's never skipped without my knowledge. Well last Monday he skipped the WHOLE day. He left like any other day, before I got my lazy ass in the shower, like usual. I went to work and worked my ass off, like any other day. Lunchtime I was thinking about going home to get a sandwich and say hi to my cats. I get home and the phone keeps ringing. My son's friends, I thought. Oh no....much much more.

My son comes in and sits down on my futon and says....."mom, I did something bad". Oh....He's tellin' me...uhoh, I'm thinking. This isn't going to be pretty. He says, "I skipped school the whole day, hung out here (the house) with my girlfriend and we had sex". "Her parents found out and they want to talk to you. They keep calling the house". GREAT! JUST GREAT! I was proud of myself. I didn't freak out, I didn't yell. I was proud of him for telling me before the proverbial shit hit the fan. I asked him, "how do they know you guys had sex?" He gets this look of confusion on his face and says "I don't know"......

Yeah! Just release the hounds now, the lynch mob is on it's way!!!!!

Then he goes on to tell me that the gf's mom is threatening to accuse my son of statutory rape and she was going to "HUNT" me down. I told him to calm down and not to worry. I could be wrong but I thought one of them had to be an adult, over 18, weather it was consentual or not, and the other a minor. Their both under 18 and only 6 months apart in age. Then I thought "did these people think their daughter was going to stay a virgin forever?" My son says she wasn't anyway. But in my mind, I thought, "better to be here having sex then out stealing cars or doing drugs"....Hell, he wore a rubber! I was more pissed off that he skipped school.

Now just a little background on their relationship. She has parents that are in the midst of divorce and the mother drinks a lot. My son has been her shoulder to cry on since they started dating. I've heard this poor girl crying on the phone to my son because her mother is drunk and having some sort of temper tantrum. I don't know their total situation, nor do I want to, but I didn't think that threat was cool at all. They didn't do anything terribly wrong. Skipping school to do the deed was wrong. The actual act itself, I'm sure was done with love and respect for both involved. And besides, it's not like we can stop a teenager from having sex. I mean, hello??? They're gonna do it eventually, right? How did you get started? Think about that.....

While my son was agonizing over every word he was telling me, all I could think about was when I was a junior in high school.....writing my own notes to get out of school to go see my son's father. What did we do all day? You can relate......SEX! OH MY GAWD!!! NOT THAT!!!! I said that BAD word....oh stop the world!!! WE HAD SEX.

So why on earth are her parents isolating her, making her cry and making my son depressed? For having sex??? Obviously they love each other. He's no longer allowed to see her, not my doing. He sees her everyday at school anyway. How sad is that? He's all bummed out and misses her. He sees her crying most of the time at school. They write notes back and forth. She was a nice girl, but her parents suck. So I think all this residual stuff is punishment enough.

My son has to serve Saturday school too....ahhh memories.

So does this make me a bad parent? I don't care really at all what you think, but I thought I'd put it out there.......and if you ask my kids....

I'm the coolest mom on earth.

JulietGrace

PS...He did get a severe punishment for skipping school.....And I told him he had to do the deed in the bushes and in cars like everybody else did. I"m not punishing him for expressing his love to his girlfriend. And that is what we need in this world.....More loving and caring individuals. I'm not gonna raise another narcisistic asshole. We have plenty of those.

Newbie

2005-10-09T09:38:00.000-07:00

I recently landed a great job at a local clinic. Best money I've made since I've arrived here in town. But it's not the money that will keep me at a job. I gotta like the job itself. And luckily I like it at the clinic. Though some things have made me sit up and take notice. Some things that start me thinking about this small town and the townites that dwell here.

The clinic is for low income and uninsured. Everyone smiles there, every one says hi, when walking down the halls. Even the poor people that have come for care of various problems, smile at me. We even have a methodone clinic. So you could imagine the people I see everyday. This job gives me a sense of accomplishment. I do all the prescriptions that come into our office. It's my job to make sure the rx gets to the doctor and the rx gets back to the pharmacy within 72 hours. I'm the essential link to the patients and their meds. I've learned a lot about different drugs and what kind of diagnosis negates these drugs. There are a lot of people on anti-depressants in this small town. A lot of young girls with clymidia and various STDs....(very alarming) roaming the streets of this small town. Scares me to think these girls have no self respect and no support systems, just out having unprotected sex with just about anyone who'll lay down with them. I feel sad for these girls. But I guess that's the nature of the beast, when you're bored and there's nothing else to do in a small town and with an overactive libido, God knows who these girls are sleeping with. I've learned a lot about the mentality of this town so far and it's fascinating. Maybe I should go into psychiatry.....hummmmm......anyway....

I've also learned some of my coworkers personalities and quirks.

Just this week, my boss, a great lady, quite young, had a "head honcho" meeting and the RX came up. Some of the doctors' said they want those rx to them in 12 hours! My boss said, "it's just not possible", coming to the aid of her newbie rx employee. And yes, I'm the only one who does it. Funny how they pick the "hippie chick" to do the prescriptions....LOL. Tickles me to no end. Anyway, I get about 60-75 prescriptions a day. Friday's and Monday's are the worst. Sometimes I see 100-125 prescriptions in any given Friday or Monday. All the pharmacists are clamoring to get these rx done before the weekend and whoever doesn't get their stuff on Friday, their clamoring to get it come Monday morning. So I dread Fridays and Mondays. It's nice to know my boss is sticking up for me.

I recently had an rx come through for a man of Mexican decent for viagra, twice now. I just happened to fly by the nurses station when I hear my buddy, we'll call her Big Mama, says, "this poor guy. He keeps asking for this viagra and he keeps getting denied." I glance down at the rx and the name. It's the same guy. I felt bad for him because we keep ruining his weekends with these denials. I could just imagine, he's gonna get all depressed cuz he can't have his viagra, so he'll go see one of our psychologists on staff, we'll call him Dr. Mellow, and be prescribed Paxil or something else for depression. And you know those pills have a lot of sexual side effects, so he'll get even more bummed out and not be able to perform. Or maybe they'll put him on anti-anxiety pills, that have gnarly sexual side effects, and he'll feel good, go out, try to find a willing partner, and when the piping fails, think he's gonna be happy about it? No...not me....it's a vicious cycle. Poor guy.

Being an almost totally new department and staff, we make mistakes. When I first started doing the RX, I had a back up of about 200 prescriptions that were at various stages of the 72 hour period. I had a lot to catch up on when this part of my job was handed to me. (A whole 4 days into my job might I add!) So I passed out a few Rx's with just a matter of hours left on them to get back to the pharmacy. Needless to say, some of the doctors' were pissed. One in particular, we'll call her Ms. Princess. Ms. Princess is not a doctor, but a RN. She has this way about her. She doesn't exactly yell at you when she's pissed off. She talks down to you in a mono tone voice and she never stops talking. She talks over you, interrupts you, makes you frustrated and you feel as though she's not listening. Which she's not. So whenever her assigned doctor, which happens to be Dr. Mellow, isn't at the clinic, all of his patient's prescriptions have to go to her. For some unknown reason, she seems to think that I only get her patient's rx's....not everyone else's in the clinic! She pulled a hissy fit at the department's window one day to one of my co-workers. Ms. Princess made my coworker cry! I couldn't believe it. So now because of that incident, I have to take her rx's directly to her, before the ink dries on the fax! Oh yeah, I got time for that shit. I have to coddle Ms. Princess and treat her differently then everyone else, because she threw that hissy fit. And the kicker? Her doctor, Dr. Mellow, knows that I have a ton of rx to get out and has no problem if his get out with the rest of them. But when he's not there, oh lordy! It's all about her.

Now being a newbie, I listen to conversations that are going on around me as I search for charts within the clinic. I do this because our department gets a lot of the brunt of understructures failures. I like to hear the "buzz" about our department so I can go back and tell my coworkers what the latest bitch is about within the clinic, so we can all be prepared and get our shit together. I've gathered that a lot of times, patients are seen without charts. Actually I think we had 4 in the last week. So not really that bad. But if you listen to the nurses and the doctors, it's ALL the time. Just a tad exaggeration. For example: I'm walking down the hall, collecting charts, and I overhear a nurse, we'll call her PITA. (short for Pain in the Ass) "One of those people in the Medical Records department isn't doing their fucking job! Their supposed to pull the charts when I request them!" Complaining to a doctor, no less. I understand she's probably getting heat from the powers that be, but we always pull a chart from where ever it might be for an appointment. I get back to the department and everyone is frantically looking for this chart. The one PITA had requested. Seven people looking for one chart all over the clinic. Time is ticking by, the tension is building, the patient is in the room with the doctor, frustration starts to fall over my coworker's faces. This notion hits my head, go look up front in reception. I go trotting off to the front desk. There laying BETWEEN two receptionists, on the very top of their desk, the illusive PITA chart lays there. I snatch it up and trot it back to the department. With the relief of all my coworkers and a few loud speaker pages to the ones out and frantically searching, all is well once again in medical records. But this is a daily occurrence, sometimes several times a day. Only to find the illusive charts floating somewhere between reception and the nursing staff. If only someone, anyone working that department would just open their eyes before they call Medical Records and send 7 people into a frenzy. But then we'd live in a perfect world wouldn't we?

As my Aunt used to say, "Open your eyes instead of your mouth." Words to live by, I'd say.

Now comes "Browneyes". This woman is a piece of work. I guess there's one in every company. I heard her whining on the phone to someone about how she's bogged down with charts and she doesn't know what to do. She once said to me, when I first started working there, "you look familiar"....no, not me. I guess I just have that type of face. Cuz she wasn't familiar to me in anyway. Well I guess she got wind of Ms. Princess's rx treatment and came to the window to whine at someone. She wanted to be treated like Ms. Princess. She started complaining about how her department never gets their charts when they need them, (keep in mind she's not writing prescriptions.) and she's upset. Her department seems to want the charts that are out for appointments the day of or the day before. So in short, most of the charts she wants are still in the hands of the doctors. She even added on another department isn't getting the charts they need and that we should "just take the charts" out of the hands of the doctors, giving them to her and the other department for just "10 minutes". I guess "10 minutes" is short for a few hours.....cuz it's never only 10 minutes. Priorities babe, priorities and you're not a priority. Sorry. Doctor's, nurses, and appointments take president over you and your department. I don't make the rules, I just play by them. I just thought, "wow, how very pompous of you". So this other department she added to her complaints was asked about getting the charts they needed. Turns out, that other department "Browneyes" was whining about, they didn't have a problem getting charts and realize that their charts will be seen after the doctors are finished with it. They had no complaints. Hummm....sounds like "Browneyes" was sticking her nose in where it didn't belong.

But you know what makes it all worth it? When Big Mama says to you, "you're doing a great job. I know nobody ever tells you that, but you are". I love Big Mama. And I like my boss and I get along with everyone in my department. I like it when our boss stands her ground and all of us as a department work together to get shit done. I've been waiting for a job like this for 3 flippin' years. Since I got to this little town. And they pay me really good. I think I'll be staying for a long long time. I'm breathing a big sigh of relief now, cuz it took alot for me to get here, to make sacrifices so I could stay in the area. It wasn't too long ago I was an unemployment check away from living in my mother's garage with two kids, back down south. I dealt with a gay Berkeley man with an underlying hatred toward women; a miserable woman who's only joy in life was to make other's miserable. Misery loves company, you know. And a delusional woman who was so out of whack, she thought swearing at her employees was okay. I've dealt with a famous company that treats their employees so bad that most injure themselves on the job cuz they can get more money from worker's comp. Another company that would only pay their "supervisors" eight dollars an hour, while they paid others' ten an hour under the table so that employee could still collect unemployment. This is a crazy town. And I'm learning it's not who you know but who you blow. Not me buddy. I'll quietly pursue my own interests over here in my corner of this small town. Plugging away on my bills, raisin' my kids and enjoying my life. I'm not worried about all these superficial people and their issues. I'm not a gossip hound and I prefer to be anonymous. I'll just sit back and watch for now. But one day, people will know my name. And I'll be the one getting blown! LOL. Have a great day ya'll.

Oh the irony

2005-09-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

Well kids, I thought you'd all get a kick outta this. I know I did. Sometime around June I submitted some pictures for a local "arts and entertainment" mag for a photo contest. I took some nice shots of the a local car show two years previous. I had since forgotten about it and went about my merry way.

So I'm cleaning up the aftermath of the kids friend's spending the weekend in the living room, and I find a folded up copy of the City of Ukiah's Arts and Entertainment Fall issue under a side table. This little magazine lists city classes you can take and stuff happening in town through January. I'm thinking, "hey, maybe I could take a class or something"...I'm flipping through the thing, wondering, what ever happened to that photo contest. I turn the page and start reading the top...."Congratulations, our photo contest winner"..... "Oh cool....I hope it's good".

I look down the page and it's a picture of two hot rods, really nice shot, good clarity, hey wait a minute!!!! THAT'S MY PICTURE!!!!! Sure enough, it was mine and they touted my name at the bottom.

Nobody emailed me, nobody called me, nuthin'....I actually didn't think I won! But here it was in black and white. And it wasn't even my best picture! I didn't get anything, just in case you're wondering. The one thing I did get, was free publicity and my pictures in print. This little local rag mag goes out to every household in Ukiah, Calpella, Hopland, Redwood Valley, Talmage and Potter Valley. And it's published on the town's website. So hummmm, maybe I'll start getting some photo jobs....who knows. There's my 15 minutes of fame! Oh just in case you might wanna see some other work, check out the links on the right.

I just finished off 6 rolls of film at the fabulous 50's car show over the weekend. I think I have some very nice shots. I will be dedicating a web page to nuthin' but cars. I do like the hot rods, and it's a lot of fun going to these events here in town. I get to see all the "have's" showing off their "toys" to the "have nots".....and I always seem to run into old bosses or old co-workers from previous jobs. Most were not a pleasant experience that'll I'll have to explain in another blog. Small town living can suck. Don't get me wrong, I like it here among the redwoods and vines. But there's something in the water that makes these folks nuts.

Actually at this particular car show I ran into a very politically dominant business woman whom I used to work for. She was on a date, cooing at some gray haired gentleman I'm sure she met on the internet. As this was her MO when i worked for her, taking days off to go on her dates. I remember a motorcycle date she had that got her panties in a bunch. She's an older lady with kids older then me....I'm 36. I have a great amount of respect for her, but her daughters are the epitome of "the have's" in this town. She's a no bull shit kinda woman. And she ran her printing business that way. She has since retired from the company she created over 30 years ago to let her daughter run the business now. She has an amazing face and a crass personality. Her flaming red hair a sharp contrast to her pale complexion and her thick glasses. You just can't miss her in a crowd. I avoided her like the plague, but I know she saw me with my camera up to my face on numerous times that evening. I could feel her steel blue eyes watching me at times, rolling her eyes and pussing her lips. I dodged in and out of the roaming townites everytime she got to close to mutter any words to me. I emerged from the event unscathed and with many killer pictures.

When I found my picture in the magazine above, I relished in the knowledge that her company, the flaming red head's company, prints that magazine for the city every year. She has friends on the committee and they used to show up at the shop, meeting with her on the layout of the magazine's upcoming publication. And I remember when I worked for her, that she tried to stifle my photographs and my spirit, knowing full well my passion for this art form. I know she saw my name at the bottom of that picture while she berated her employees into making that mag perfect, a perfect printing of that page; My page! So as not to disappoint the power's that be at City Hall. Oh the irony!!!!

So HA!!!! Nice job, babe and thanks!!!!

Juliet Grace

First Blogging

2005-09-06T20:46:00.000-07:00

Well hi there folks. I was turned on to this blogging thing by my bestest friend, the Tigress herself. I thought it would be cool to have an online journal. I've been many places and seen many things. I often wonder what kind of feedback would I get if I put my thoughts online. I've put my photography and such on my website, (see side panel for a link), but I never thought of putting thoughts up for the world to see. My friends and family are always saying I should post some of my stories so others can laugh too. So what the heck! I guess I have a lot to say. Some of which may not make any sense to the world at large, my apologies up front. My opinions are just that, opinions. Opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one! I welcome any feedback and don't be worried about hurting my feelings. I'm not one of these prissy girly girls. In fact, I'm a modern amazon warrior chick with no regrets and a whole lot of passion. I work, I have two kids, I'm divorced and I live life. I love this world we live in. Never a dull moment. My pictures are an outlet, a creative urge I can't seem to shake. I use a 20 year old Pentax with a zoom lens and sometimes a wide angle. I have vision and I want to share! So check back soon. I'll be posting stuff often.

Blessed Be All

Juliet Grace