Well here it is 3 months later and I'm picking him up at the airport. As soon as I drive up to greet him, all the sexual tension, attraction came right back. We were just kids back then. I was already involved with the kid's dad but we kissed that night at his party. I remembered how attracted I was to him back then. Blonde, blue eyed, tall. Really cute. And so fast! He lived a fast life. It scared me back then, it scares me now.
Now he's a little older, a little disheveled and wearing his life scars all over him. He's a tad bit mellower, but still too fast. He looked like he had been to hell and back. He came to visit for a week, so we could rehash old feelings and see if anything would develop. OH and it did. We're both single now. Lonely. That first night was odd. I've been alone for such a long time, I
didn't know how to deal with having a man so attracted to me and in my face. He barely brought anything with him. Just a few items of clothes and he kinda blew off the rest of his belongings for where he came. I'm freaked out about this part. He has a house and a boat and cars out there, why would he blow those off. He doesn't call his family or his friends. I haven't told my best friend yet. (Though I will within a few minutes of posting this.) Within two days he professed his love and devotion. Now I'm really scared. He wants to take care of me and my kids. Wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. There's one problem. He reminds me so much of my x, the one that devastated my life and had such an impact, I didn't think I could love again. He looks like him, some of his issues are exactly like this x and he even acts like him at times. I'm scared. Now he's living here with my kids and I. He went out and got a job within 4 days of coming out here. A major feat in this town. He's made friends and he likes his new job. He dropped everything and moved here. This freaks me out. I love the guy, but I don't know if I'm "in love" with him. I don't know what the hell to do. With his dropping everything and professing his undying love for me within a few days, it makes me wonder if he had anything to begin with. Did he really have a life to leave? Can he go back? I don't know. I'm just going with the flow right now. I feel crowded and pushed. I feel like I didn't have a choice in this love affair. Is this a control thing? I've always had feelings for the guy, I've always loved the guy, but am I ready for the rest of my life? Maybe I am jaded. Maybe that first cut was too deep. Maybe I'm not ready for this relationship, so quick, so soon. Everything is moving too fast. Now I have an issue to deal with. He's impulsive. He's in my face. He's needy. He won't let me sleep most nights. He tosses and turns, cant' sleep next to the wall cuz he feels confined. My kids are leaving for the east coast soon. I hope things get better then. I guess I'll find out real soon if he's marriage material. For now, I'm holding steady and waiting. I miss my single life. Who would have guessed? Life certainly has it's little tests and trials all mapped out for us. I don't think I'm gonna pass this one. I think I flunked already. Oh how I long for my dark haired, blue eyed bar buddy.And no, I never saw that guy again.
Juliet Grace
3 comments:
Okay, now this what the best friend has to say about this whole situation.
I believe the only reason you did FINALLY tell me was only becsue of the little predicament you are in. Otherwise, I think you would still be trying to keep if from me (even though I already knew without you having to tell me. Just like when he told me he was coming out here to see his brother, I knew he was really coming out to see you). You're probably shaking your head no at me right now and saying, "You're wrong, Teen." Bullshit. Try that on someone else that will actually work on, not me.
I warned you way ahead of time, because I SAW what direction it was heading in. Even though you told me it was nothing. I know you too well and I know HIM too well. Although I really thought you two had better sense in your fucking heads and really wonder what in the hell you two thought would fucking happen! Two grown adults. Geezus!
However, what pisses me off is the fact that it was kept from me like some big secret. Why? What was the cause for all the secrecy? If you have to keep something from someone then it must not be all that 'good' of a thing if you have to hide it. So, why was it kept form me? Because I told you right from the start not to fall for his shit? Did you honestly think I said it all just out of jealousy? You should know me WAY better than that! Or was it becasue you were just too chicken shit to tell me, like you told me? What are we, in fucking high school again?! Geezum.
And then you are tell me how much he is smoothering you, clinging to you, and basically just irritating the shit out of you? Hmmm... I think it's all just hormonal, you probably didn't feel that way the first week he was there. Or maybe he did then too cause in the back of your mind you just knew that it wasn't right somehow. Hell, I dunno. I'm just trying to think things out from every possible angle.
So here is your best freind being straight up HONEST with you... Yeah, I am pissed at you. Not because of the situation, I could care less about that (that's your dumb ass not thinkin), but because you felt the need to hide it from me. But whatever. What's done is done. And all I can do is laugh, because yes, I find it funny as hell! It's funny the way Karma works, isn't it. Well you might not think it's funny, but I do. Karma comes in many shapes and guises.
That is what happens when you are irresponsible and not thinking about your actions or even the consequences. And no you can't just blame him, you went willingly into the whole thing. It takes two to tango. Instead of just being a friend to him, which is what he really needs, you have now added to the scars, just as he has now added to yours. Like you needed anymore of those either!
I just wonder if after the hormones stop messing with your emotions how your emotions will be with him. I wonder if you will follow through with everything you told me, or just let it go back to how it was. Cause with you, sometimes I just don't know. You tell me one thing and always do another, all the time. Just as after reading this post revealed. Yeah, I wonder what's going to happen when the kids go back to their dads for the summer too.
I'm sorry if any of this pisses you off, makes you mad, or whatever. But this is me being straight up with you, no hiding anything, whether you want to hear it or not, because I love you. I'm just telling you what needs to be said. Cause you know what, that's what best friends do. And you may not even want to talk to me after reading this and I'm fine with that. But I don't want this to be a repeat of the last asshole, and it wouldn't be his fault.
What I seem to be, is in the middle this time because you both are my best freinds (although those words sound like a joke to me right now) who wants to be there for both of you. You two have made this hard on me. I can't choose sides. I've known him since I was 12 and you since I was 15...that's a long fucking time.
Oh just give me the fucking baseball bat so I knock you both the fuck out!
I love you Wench, I just hope you know what the fuck you're doing.
You know....neither one of us wanted to tell you in the beginning because we were afraid one of us would loose you as a friend. I'm not going to speak of this again, it was a mistake and we both paid the price for it. Me more then him. But we finally got to find out if all that tension 20 years ago was all that. It wasn't. We both realized that. And you can tell me till you're blue in the face, "I told you"....you're always tellin me something. Everyone is always giving their oppinion on my life; yet their lives are just as fucked up and full of confusion as mine. It's not all mapped out in front of us, we screw up, sometimes repeatedly. An oppinion is just like assholes, everyone's got one. We're still friends, him and I and I think he's doing well. Though I wish he would go back to his parents and get the support he needs. He's got issues bigger then you think. He'll make it though and I'll be his friend, there's no doubt about that. So get off the soap box already. You're lucky this didn't happen sooner.
Love you! Punk ass wenchy.
OH and I have no fucking clue what I'm doing, but baby, I'm happy doing it!
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