Life can throw you for a loop

Just when you think life can really suck, it becomes something you never expected. Being with my family most of the week has grounded me. What has transpired in the last few days has made me realize that this is what it's all about.

I'm trying to get my shit together, pay some bills and buy a house. "now's the time!" my mom tells me. The liar (my lawyer) has sucked me into settling that (YES! it's been 5 years in case anyone was wondering.) lawsuit against Allied Insurance for 46K. Of which there will be payouts and his take, netting me $25K! Not enough. Not enough for the 5 years worth of interest on the old bills, not enough to really do shit with but spend frivolously. My medical bills are $23K. Have to pay those off. Pay off some other stuff.

But one thing weighs on my mind. If the man I'm with is able to handle a house, my kids, his kids, his bills, all that which goes with owning a home? I don't know. He says he is. He says he's ready to make this commitment. But men have told such things to keep me happy. I only find out later that it was bullshit. That they were in it for their gain and my demise. I've run that risk many times. I was taken for everything I had. Everyone knows in this world it takes two incomes to survive. If I'm to go head long into the abyss of home ownership, I want to know he's in it for me. He's in it for us. Not for himself. I want to know he loves me. That he would stand by me in anything. And I too, would stand by him. This is what I want. This is what I seek. Someone to be with me through everything. And will stay with me no matter what happens. Cuz life can throw some crazy shit at you. Sometimes it can make you crazy. But it's all worth it in the end.

The man I'm with makes me really happy. We had a recent bump in the road, but he emerged from it a stand up, honest guy. A true man. They all told me they were "real men". I only found out latter that was a fabrication so very far from the truth. Just for the record:

Real men don't cheat on their woman.
Real men don't lie.
Real men stand by their woman and their convictions.
Real men are the rock in which their loved ones can turn to.

I never dated a "real man" before. He's got a whole lot on his plate when it comes to me. I have a lot of irons in the fire. I hope he's not fabricating his view of his own "real man". Only time will tell if he is or not. I love this man. I want to buy a house with him, I want to pull a life together we can both be happy with for years. I want to grow old on the porch with this man. And he does too. I have to sit back and wait. To see if his convictions are true and if he's true to me and himself. I will always have love for this man, I can feel it. I will always truly adore this man. For him to be my life partner, I have to see what befalls us in the years to come. If it goes that long. I have my doubts. Put there by previous "real men". I do not hold him accountable for their actions, but at the same time I am cautious. I have to protect myself and my family from fakery, deceit and indecision. Thus protecting myself.

Only time will tell how much this love, devotion and fidelity mean to him.

J. Grace.

what can i say

What can I say.......

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
There's no third time.

It takes a long time to build trust and only a moment to break it.

I may seem innocent and naive. I assure you, I am not. I may not react in ways you think I would in certain circumstances. I assure you, I don't. I'm what they call...intuitive. I'm sensitive in many ways. I understand without being told. And your actions are speaking differently from what you are saying.

I'm so disappointed. Too many things have come to light for me in the last few days. When things become so vivid, it's too hard not to call attention to them. Otherwise, things can tend to be blown out of proportions. And when left with no reasonable explanation or given excuse after excuse, my mind can start to make shit up.

Well I'm finding myself makin' shit up. But it's almost too many things to ignore or shove under the rug. I don't think I can deal with another one. I think this will be the last. I'm too old for this high school shit. (See "ever get the feeling someone's lying to your face"). This one is gonna hurt. This one is gonna devastate me for a while. Once again, I got used up trying to be loved unconditionally. We'll see how this plays out. I'm not gonna do anything right now. I'm gonna let the accused become the guilty without lifting a finger. But know this.....it won't be a long wait. Nobody knows what I am capable of. Only I do. But once it's done, it's done for good. There's no coming back from this type of betrayal, if it is true. There are eyes everywhere. And it took a dream to wake me up. I think it's over. I think for all intent and purposes, it's done. I can't save it now. It's gone beyond the point of return. It's so sad it had to go this way. There's really no reason for it then utter greed and selfishness. I should have known.

I guess I did. Being I was reluctant to start it up in the first place given my experience previously. I knew it would go like this. From here on out I vow, NEVER AGAIN THE TWINS. I guess I had to see if it could have worked. But I see now it won't. And not because of lack of enthusiasm on my part. But for the choices made by another.

I will survive. This is another learning experience, I can feel it. I'm just getting closer to the person I want to become. Not what the circumstances or devastation wants me to be. It's out there, somewhere. My bluer waters. My deeper oceans. And my clearer streams. I can feel that too. In the midst of my angst and sorrow. So maybe it's not that bad. I will get through this. I've learned how tough I can be. I've learned how not to remain in a state of remorse and regret. Only to stay pissed off to get what needs to happen, happening.

Wanting forever in your eyes. I fall so easily. Just when I thought this was it. This was the one. I could stop looking. I could fall into it all and I could've been happy, content. Tiss not to be. It had to go there. I knew I was in for a broken heart. I knew I was in for stupid shit. But I listened to your words, your inspirations, your dreams and I took them to mean they were real. This is what you wanted. You words mean shit. I don't want to hear them anymore. Lies. Lies. Lies. It's going to be hard to look at your face. It's going to be hard to hear your voice. I'd rather not because the more you talk the more I want to believe. I wanted to believe. The facts out weigh the belief now. So I can't, you see?

I am not a door mat asshole. And you're just another douche bag in a long long line of douche bags. How do you think they all became douche bags? By pulling this douche baggery on me. I don't deserve this. I gave up a year of my life. About double the time it took me to figure out the others. So you had me fooled. The longer you let me stew, the more pissed off I get. I have a sweet face but inside there is rage. Behind those eyes that look like yours lies an intuitive and extremely sensitive soul. And when provoked or threatened, there is a beast. A smart clever beast that will chew you up and spit out your bones. There will be no excuses and lame lies to hide any facts. Only in your face and up your ass. I am all over this.

JGrace.

I'll just make the same mistake again

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I'm a catalist for others to excell

I'm currently in a state of "hurry up and wait". I'm not sure what to do, so I will do nothing for now. Things are going great with my new beau. But I'm not sure if he can handle being a part of my life. I have a son that makes things difficult for me to have lasting relationships. I don't know if my son does what he does on purpose, or if it's a subconscious thing. I know he hasn't been happy. I know he's kinda stuck in a rut. So my new beau decided he needed to go back to the life he had before me. That he needed to get his shit together. I'm okay with that. But I also wonder if that's just an excuse to escape, like a way out that's not so bad. This of course can be my own insecure mind screwing with me. I just gotta wonder. I guess I'm like this spring board. Everyone jumps off to better waters. When do I get to see my "better waters". They all say what a wonderful woman I am, what a catch I am, how they all just love me to pieces. But then they leave. Are all guys in fear of commitments? Or am I just so level headed, down to earth, no bullshit, they can't handle it? Why do all the drama queens get to keep their men around? Is it that exciting to have her hurl an ashtray at your head cuz you called her a bitch? Do they keep these women around to spend all their money without their knowledge and run em' broke? Is that exciting enough? Maybe a restraining order after a night of binge drinking and slapping her around is considered fun and enticing, makes for a lasting relationship. Not for me, thanks. Keep in mind this dating shit is all new to me. I was married to the same guy for 13 years. I only knew one man. Now I know a shit load and I'm befuddled. Just in the last 6 years. I haven't dated a whole lot in my life, so I guess I'm guy illiterate. Do they make a book for dummies on that subject? Houseplants for dummies, cars for dummies, quick book for dummies....why not guys for dummies? I don't like to come off naive. I'm certainly not. I know what I want and I know who I am. I don't make promises, I don't exaggerate or embellish myself. What you see is what you get. I don't keep my mouth shut most of the time. Though over the years I've learned to bite my tongue in certain situations. I'm by far, not stupid. It's all just so new. I'll let him venture off. What's that old saying, "if they're yours, set them free. If they come back it was meant to be". Well there's a few out there that "weren't meant to be" or at least not meant to be, yet. Does that mean they expect me to wait around to see if I'm their meant to be? No. I'm not going to do that. I'll wait for a little while, then I have to be free. If you can't take care of yourself, how can you take care of others? If you don't like yourself, how can you like others? I like myself and I can take care of myself. Maybe they wish to be like me in that aspect. But funny thing is, no one will ever tell me. No one will put their thoughts to voice and tell me. No one has ever conversed with me on that level. I would appreciate it. I wouldn't freak out. Really. I would have more respect for these people if they'd just tell me what they're thinking. Sometimes it's on their faces, alot of times if it's there, visible, they tell me something else. Why? Afraid to hurt my feelings? Am I that delicate? Hell no!

So here I am again. Waiting for the inevitable. The same ol' shit. Too afraid to commit, too afraid to fly, too afraid to stand up and be heard. Why is it someone else's fear puts my life on hold? I am never afraid. I let my life take me where I need to be. I love whole hearted, I live life in full view and I dance like no one is watching. If they can't handle it, maybe I'm just not the one for them. I can't be every one's everything. No one can. Or can they and I just haven't found the one that is my everything. I guess I'm scary in that way. I know what I want, what I need. Am I really that scary? Gawd it sucks to be a hopeless romantic. And this one is gonna suck when it all goes down. I hope he finds what he needs. I hope he finds he can handle what life throws at him. Cuz I really think he can. Maybe not with me, but then again, maybe. Just show me!

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3 Months is a long time

I guess all it takes is a few months for your life to be totally different from what you thought would be the tell all, be all end of everything you know to be your life. 3 months ago I was broken hearted, lost and sad. I felt I had made a connection with someone, someone who couldn't reciprocate his feelings. They were there, we both felt it. There was no denying it for either of us. Alas, he had to return to his life before. With my heart in my hand, I began to heal. Though I miss his personality and his sparkle, I know this wasn't his choice and I came to terms with all of my emotions. Now stronger and able to move on. I realized he opened me up for someone else. He showed me I was capable of attracting a beautiful heart and a solid minded man. I will never forget him. But I would like to thank him someday.

I have met a man that is so close to me, so in tune with me, I had no idea it could be like this. It's more then I've ever experienced before. He can see on my face something bothering me. He pays attention, he's loving and he has a beautiful soul. I can't wait to see him everyday. I can't wait to kiss him everyday. He makes my heart light and my soul complete. We have so much in common. Spooky stuff. I hope it never ends. When we're together, we don't want to be apart. When we're together, we look into each other's eyes just to look. We don't say anything most of the time, but we'll sit there and stare at each other. He amazes me in the things he does. He's so beautiful and brilliant, I almost think this is a dream. Only a few months ago, I was in despair. He was like a light. We both say we're lucky to have the other one. I could see myself married to him for many years to come. Happily married. EWWW! Did I say that out loud? GAWD! But we both feel like we've known each other for longer then 2 months. Like we've known each other forever. I feel loved and wanted and adored. I feel like this is so real, so right. We talk for hours about nothing. I'm in love with this man. Thank you my shy Texas guitarist. I will always think about you. Peace be with you as it is with me.

J Grace