Life can throw you for a loop

Just when you think life can really suck, it becomes something you never expected. Being with my family most of the week has grounded me. What has transpired in the last few days has made me realize that this is what it's all about.

I'm trying to get my shit together, pay some bills and buy a house. "now's the time!" my mom tells me. The liar (my lawyer) has sucked me into settling that (YES! it's been 5 years in case anyone was wondering.) lawsuit against Allied Insurance for 46K. Of which there will be payouts and his take, netting me $25K! Not enough. Not enough for the 5 years worth of interest on the old bills, not enough to really do shit with but spend frivolously. My medical bills are $23K. Have to pay those off. Pay off some other stuff.

But one thing weighs on my mind. If the man I'm with is able to handle a house, my kids, his kids, his bills, all that which goes with owning a home? I don't know. He says he is. He says he's ready to make this commitment. But men have told such things to keep me happy. I only find out later that it was bullshit. That they were in it for their gain and my demise. I've run that risk many times. I was taken for everything I had. Everyone knows in this world it takes two incomes to survive. If I'm to go head long into the abyss of home ownership, I want to know he's in it for me. He's in it for us. Not for himself. I want to know he loves me. That he would stand by me in anything. And I too, would stand by him. This is what I want. This is what I seek. Someone to be with me through everything. And will stay with me no matter what happens. Cuz life can throw some crazy shit at you. Sometimes it can make you crazy. But it's all worth it in the end.

The man I'm with makes me really happy. We had a recent bump in the road, but he emerged from it a stand up, honest guy. A true man. They all told me they were "real men". I only found out latter that was a fabrication so very far from the truth. Just for the record:

Real men don't cheat on their woman.
Real men don't lie.
Real men stand by their woman and their convictions.
Real men are the rock in which their loved ones can turn to.

I never dated a "real man" before. He's got a whole lot on his plate when it comes to me. I have a lot of irons in the fire. I hope he's not fabricating his view of his own "real man". Only time will tell if he is or not. I love this man. I want to buy a house with him, I want to pull a life together we can both be happy with for years. I want to grow old on the porch with this man. And he does too. I have to sit back and wait. To see if his convictions are true and if he's true to me and himself. I will always have love for this man, I can feel it. I will always truly adore this man. For him to be my life partner, I have to see what befalls us in the years to come. If it goes that long. I have my doubts. Put there by previous "real men". I do not hold him accountable for their actions, but at the same time I am cautious. I have to protect myself and my family from fakery, deceit and indecision. Thus protecting myself.

Only time will tell how much this love, devotion and fidelity mean to him.

J. Grace.