Well here it is 3 months later and I'm picking him up at the airport. As soon as I drive up to greet him, all the sexual tension, attraction came right back. We were just kids back then. I was already involved with the kid's dad but we kissed that night at his party. I remembered how attracted I was to him back then. Blonde, blue eyed, tall. Really cute. And so fast! He lived a fast life. It scared me back then, it scares me now.
Now he's a little older, a little disheveled and wearing his life scars all over him. He's a tad bit mellower, but still too fast. He looked like he had been to hell and back. He came to visit for a week, so we could rehash old feelings and see if anything would develop. OH and it did. We're both single now. Lonely. That first night was odd. I've been alone for such a long time, I
didn't know how to deal with having a man so attracted to me and in my face. He barely brought anything with him. Just a few items of clothes and he kinda blew off the rest of his belongings for where he came. I'm freaked out about this part. He has a house and a boat and cars out there, why would he blow those off. He doesn't call his family or his friends. I haven't told my best friend yet. (Though I will within a few minutes of posting this.) Within two days he professed his love and devotion. Now I'm really scared. He wants to take care of me and my kids. Wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. There's one problem. He reminds me so much of my x, the one that devastated my life and had such an impact, I didn't think I could love again. He looks like him, some of his issues are exactly like this x and he even acts like him at times. I'm scared. Now he's living here with my kids and I. He went out and got a job within 4 days of coming out here. A major feat in this town. He's made friends and he likes his new job. He dropped everything and moved here. This freaks me out. I love the guy, but I don't know if I'm "in love" with him. I don't know what the hell to do. With his dropping everything and professing his undying love for me within a few days, it makes me wonder if he had anything to begin with. Did he really have a life to leave? Can he go back? I don't know. I'm just going with the flow right now. I feel crowded and pushed. I feel like I didn't have a choice in this love affair. Is this a control thing? I've always had feelings for the guy, I've always loved the guy, but am I ready for the rest of my life? Maybe I am jaded. Maybe that first cut was too deep. Maybe I'm not ready for this relationship, so quick, so soon. Everything is moving too fast. Now I have an issue to deal with. He's impulsive. He's in my face. He's needy. He won't let me sleep most nights. He tosses and turns, cant' sleep next to the wall cuz he feels confined. My kids are leaving for the east coast soon. I hope things get better then. I guess I'll find out real soon if he's marriage material. For now, I'm holding steady and waiting. I miss my single life. Who would have guessed? Life certainly has it's little tests and trials all mapped out for us. I don't think I'm gonna pass this one. I think I flunked already. Oh how I long for my dark haired, blue eyed bar buddy.And no, I never saw that guy again.
Juliet Grace
