I'll just make the same mistake again

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I'm a catalist for others to excell

I'm currently in a state of "hurry up and wait". I'm not sure what to do, so I will do nothing for now. Things are going great with my new beau. But I'm not sure if he can handle being a part of my life. I have a son that makes things difficult for me to have lasting relationships. I don't know if my son does what he does on purpose, or if it's a subconscious thing. I know he hasn't been happy. I know he's kinda stuck in a rut. So my new beau decided he needed to go back to the life he had before me. That he needed to get his shit together. I'm okay with that. But I also wonder if that's just an excuse to escape, like a way out that's not so bad. This of course can be my own insecure mind screwing with me. I just gotta wonder. I guess I'm like this spring board. Everyone jumps off to better waters. When do I get to see my "better waters". They all say what a wonderful woman I am, what a catch I am, how they all just love me to pieces. But then they leave. Are all guys in fear of commitments? Or am I just so level headed, down to earth, no bullshit, they can't handle it? Why do all the drama queens get to keep their men around? Is it that exciting to have her hurl an ashtray at your head cuz you called her a bitch? Do they keep these women around to spend all their money without their knowledge and run em' broke? Is that exciting enough? Maybe a restraining order after a night of binge drinking and slapping her around is considered fun and enticing, makes for a lasting relationship. Not for me, thanks. Keep in mind this dating shit is all new to me. I was married to the same guy for 13 years. I only knew one man. Now I know a shit load and I'm befuddled. Just in the last 6 years. I haven't dated a whole lot in my life, so I guess I'm guy illiterate. Do they make a book for dummies on that subject? Houseplants for dummies, cars for dummies, quick book for dummies....why not guys for dummies? I don't like to come off naive. I'm certainly not. I know what I want and I know who I am. I don't make promises, I don't exaggerate or embellish myself. What you see is what you get. I don't keep my mouth shut most of the time. Though over the years I've learned to bite my tongue in certain situations. I'm by far, not stupid. It's all just so new. I'll let him venture off. What's that old saying, "if they're yours, set them free. If they come back it was meant to be". Well there's a few out there that "weren't meant to be" or at least not meant to be, yet. Does that mean they expect me to wait around to see if I'm their meant to be? No. I'm not going to do that. I'll wait for a little while, then I have to be free. If you can't take care of yourself, how can you take care of others? If you don't like yourself, how can you like others? I like myself and I can take care of myself. Maybe they wish to be like me in that aspect. But funny thing is, no one will ever tell me. No one will put their thoughts to voice and tell me. No one has ever conversed with me on that level. I would appreciate it. I wouldn't freak out. Really. I would have more respect for these people if they'd just tell me what they're thinking. Sometimes it's on their faces, alot of times if it's there, visible, they tell me something else. Why? Afraid to hurt my feelings? Am I that delicate? Hell no!

So here I am again. Waiting for the inevitable. The same ol' shit. Too afraid to commit, too afraid to fly, too afraid to stand up and be heard. Why is it someone else's fear puts my life on hold? I am never afraid. I let my life take me where I need to be. I love whole hearted, I live life in full view and I dance like no one is watching. If they can't handle it, maybe I'm just not the one for them. I can't be every one's everything. No one can. Or can they and I just haven't found the one that is my everything. I guess I'm scary in that way. I know what I want, what I need. Am I really that scary? Gawd it sucks to be a hopeless romantic. And this one is gonna suck when it all goes down. I hope he finds what he needs. I hope he finds he can handle what life throws at him. Cuz I really think he can. Maybe not with me, but then again, maybe. Just show me!

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