Always

Always There Are the Horses

I ride because I rode as a child when life was simpler and somehow more complete. Only the whiff of a clean horse is needed to remind me of days gone by. For always there have been the horses.

I ride because of all the great horse souls who have shared their lives with me and taught me more than I can say. Their names and faces flash before me as old friends. I ride because of all the horses I shall never ride. Those I have watched and marveled at from afar for all their grace and beauty. This is the stuff of a child's dream, the kind that doesn't die with time.

Always there are the horses.

I ride because the seasons call to me. Each unique in its appeal and all quite frequently best viewed from the back of a favorite horse. I ride because of all things, horses are my passion. They inspire and encourage, energize,

and challenge in ways I cannot explain to theun-initiated.

I ride because of the rush of stretching one's self just a bit farther today than before both mind and body.

Always there are the horses.

I ride because of those briefest of spans when the partnership comes to full promise. When the path twists and barriers fall,

each footfall is measured and balanced between the two as a dance.

There are no others...only this moment and this single step to ride.

The memories of those times stand vivid in my mind to be recalled with all the freshness of the day at will and in times less grand.

But if I must choose, I ride because I have dreams yet to live. I ride because I have dreams yet to have and what exactly they will be tomorrow I cannot say...but always there will be the horses.

- Author M. Adelia Ramey

N. Carolina

Photos by....WWW.GoofieGracie.com

Accidents, Strangers, Lawyers and Greedy People

So.....this is going to be a rant. I'm just gonna tell it how it is, without exaggeration, wishfull thinking or attempting to piss anybody off. Much.....Hopefully.

My daughter and I were in a car accident in Dec. 2003. I had a gorgeous maroon 2002 Chevy Silverado. I loved that truck. I took really good care of that damn thing and I worked really hard to get it too. Then one miserable December day in a little town called Lakeport, we're cruisin' along Hwy 29 when I get a look at a white Exterra sitting in the middle of the Hwy, with it's blinker on, turning left from the Southbound side of the Hwy. I'm thinking, "is this person really going to turn left there"? Sure enough, as I got closer my eyes were not deceiving me. Then I noticed a Brown Bronco II type mini SUV slamming on it's breaks, water flying up over the sides of the (now much lower) front end and it was about to slam into the back end of the Exterra. I'll never forget that poppin sound as the Bronco slammed into the rear end of the Exterra. I'm looking to my left and I'm prayin in my head, "I escaped it....". No....another poppin sound. I remember her eyes just before she hit. Only this time it was on the left side of my truck, pushing me sideways. We banged back and fourth against the door and then the console on the seat. My daughter was sleeping in the back seat up against the back passenger door of the truck, where this Exterra just hit. It started sliding down the side of my truck, pushing us to the right. I can't control the truck. Just then, the Exterra caught on the back bumper and we began to spin toward the left. Instinctively I began to steer with all of my strength in the direction of the spin. I think we spun at least 3 times. I remember saying "no, no, no" in my head over and over again. I remember thinking "Oh Hannah, be okay, be okay." All I could think about was her, sitting in that back seat, so quiet. I believe she was knocked out for most of this. I tried to steer the truck, pumping the breaks as hard as I could. I remember seeing the horizon pass in front of me several times. We began to slow down only to be facing the wrong direction and sliding backwards. The rear end of the truck dipped down and the front left tire came off the ground. I watched the world begin to turn on it's axes and we came to rest on the roof of the truck. I was disoriented and concerned for Hannah. I said, "Are you okay, Hannah?" And this little voice like a song, came over the back of the seat, "I'm okay mommie". I undid my seat belt and fell to the roof. I spun around to see my daughter. I told her to undo her seat belt but to put her hands up so as not to crash into the roof. She did and all I heard was a thud. I asked her if she was okay. "yes mommie". I spun around and tried to open the driver's door. I couldn't. I spun around again to try the passenger side, I wanted us out of that truck. Nothing. I began to notice feet running towards us. Somebody from outside the truck opened the door and reached in to pull me out. I felt hands grab my arms and pull, I landed in the mud outside of the truck. And without a beat, the same person pulled my daughter out of the truck and into my arms. Thank you who ever you are. Hannah looked at the truck and said, "mommie look at your truck." All I could do was hold on to her. I kept thinking we could have died. I could have lost my lovie. We must have sat in that mud for a long time. I saw people coming towards us, CHP officers and 2 ambulances. I began to notice people pouring out of the Rainbow Ag store and gathering near the fence that ran along the Highway. An older lady motioned for me to come over to her. I took Hannah over and she said she'd watch Hannah. Some of the people there lifted Hannah over the fence and she asked me to get her bear from the truck. I told her I would. I walked over to the truck and an officer that was standing there. He began to ask me in a stern voice, "can I have your license and registration?" I said I would get it when I retrieved Hannah's bear. I searched that truck for a long time. I looked over at Hannah and she was pale white, the older lady holding her hand and her umbrella over Hannah. I was done. I found Hannah's bear, our jackets and backpacks. I found my purse and my license. I really wanted to find my cigs. Really needed a cig! But everything was all over the place. I couldn't find my registration because I kept it in the console and it was flipped open. I walked the bear and our stuff over to Hannah and the older lady. I thanked her. The cop called after me, a little pissed, "did you find your registration?" I told him I looked, it's in there but if he wanted it so damn bad to be my guest and get his fat doughnut ass in there and look for it. I was going with my daughter. The crowd that gathered walked us over to an over hang on the Rainbow Ag store, the older lady offered me some smokes and there we sat for what seemed to be hours. I had called my dad and he sent my brothers out to get us. (Just a funny side note here. When I called my dad, I had noticed there was a missed call from him. He called sometime during the accident! Spooky!) An EMT came over from the wreckage of the Exterra and asked us if (like an after thought.) we wanted to go to the ER. I declined. I just wanted to go home and get Hannah home. We were there for so long after that I watched them load my crushed truck onto a flat bed and drive away. We then endured a long ride home and every bump made us feel sick. Three days later we went to the ER.

Thus began our downward spiral into a medical nightmare. As we sat in the ER being poked and prodded, we were told we both had multiple contusions, severe whiplash injuries, concussed and I had kidney damage. We were xrayed, tested and sent home. I was out of commission for 4 months. I couldn't work, I couldn't sleep and every pang of pain my daughter had sent me on a whirl wind of emotions. We could have died. She was nervous in a car, I was nervous driving one. Then they put me on disability immediately.

I went and got a lawyer. I knew I'd needed one. I later fired this lawyer due to lack of enthusiasm and pure frustration. Nothing was going to happen and I had never even met this guy face to face. Sight unseen, I fired his ass.

I kept in touch with my employer Mendocino Brewing Company the whole time they kept me out of work, because I was a new hire and wanted to return to my job. When I returned to work 4 months later some other guy was doing my job. My hours were reduced to 12 hours a week. No one told me. No one cared enough to tell me. I was devastated. There was nothing I could do about it either. I was 76 days into a 90 day probation period. I was fucked. Two weeks away from becoming a permanent employee and this happens. Makes you wonder about how loyal they are to their employees.

I started going to a chiropractor. Thank gawd for small favors. We met a wonderful couple, Dr. Tipton and Lorna, my chiropractor who saw my daughter and I pro bono. He knew he'd have to wait to get paid on this one and was very accommodating to us. I credit Dr. Tipton for keeping me upright. Thank you for your patience and understanding. We started going 3 times a week. It was a relief to have such wonderful people to help us through this. Thank you guys and good luck on the recent retirement and a much deserved travel plans.

We also started a regiment at Meadows Physical Therapy that was such a great source of inspiration and advice, that I wish I could still go back to. Thank you Herman Meadows, you're doing a wonderful thing for this community. It was hard and painful, but it helped me in the long run.

Now my attention was turned to my new lawyer. He was telling me that the lady that hit me won't come forth with a demand, her injuries or even a lawyer. She was basically ignoring our letters. And that the girl that was in the truck with her was her x boyfriends' daughter and that the parents are fighting over who gets the little girl's money from the accident. He also told me that she went back to work at Safeway 2 weeks after the accident and in those 2 weeks, went and bought a new Exterra to replace her totaled one. Well fuck me! So it became a hurry up and wait type of thing. Very frustrating. All this at the same time the Bronco II driver who caused the accident admitted fault and his insurance policy was only $30K. OH GREAT! Every time I go into that Safeway, I see her. I wonder if she ever wonders "who's this chick staring at me"??? She'll find out soon enough. Daggers baby, daggers coming out of my eyes.

We began to see Dr. Wirth. He is a family practitioner that my dad had been seeing for years. We went and were checked out several times. He was told upfront that this was a motor vehicle accident and he agreed to continue to see us in lieu of payment. He found it necessary to request an MRI on Hannah's head as she was still not her normally bubbly self. She was tired and slow and I was freaked out. I felt the same but I didn't care. This was my little girl. My mind set was to take care of her first. We got the okay from my x husband's insurance company and scheduled the procedure. And yes! Hannah has a brain in there! My son and I were so excited. I told him he could never call his sister brainless again. Cuz I saw it, there's one in there. And get this! I'm still getting a $3500.00 bill from that MRI that was "preapproved". Figure that one out! Then it was my turn. He wanted an MRI done on my lower back. I had symptoms of serious damage, neurological damage to my left side and lower back. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to me, the med pay on my insurance policy ran out long ago. Thus ended our relationship with Dr. Wirth and our proper medical care. I never got that MRI and my chiropractor really would like to see one to this day. And before you ask, he can't request one because it has to be through a "medical" doctor. Oh yes! Yet another catch 22 loop hole!

As for that "med pay", I had no idea that my insurance policy from Allied Insurance Companyonly had $1000.00 each person in the vehicle med pay coverage. I had no idea what that term meant, what it did for me and what it was for. It was glossed over in conversation with the representative when I took out the policy a mere two weeks earlier. She was more interested in me dating her 40 year old son!

At this point I was bombarded with nasty phone calls, a stack of over due bills and mounting bad debit. Redwood Regional Medical Group Ukiah Valley Medical Group Credit Bureau of Ukiah Inc, all were just horrible. One woman at the "Bureau" brought me to tears, like it was my fault that lady crashed into me. There were many more that I can't think of now. It was like I was a total dead beat. Like I had this stash of cash that I refused to give to them just to be a total bitch. I had to have my lawyer call them off of me. They were like crazed dogs. They were told repeatedly that this was a motor vehicle accident and they would get paid when I got paid. My credit rating was plummeting every day. They called my work, they called my house, my cell phone, it was crazy. I couldn't pay my rent and my mom bailed me out on numerous occasions. She bought a truck for me on the promise I would pay her when my settlement was finished. We were thinking maybe a year.....wishful thinking, I tell ya what. Then my dickhead of a property manager, whom was being paid, decided to sell the house to a friend of his. I had to uproot my two kids, who lived in the house for over 2 years, had their own rooms and move in 30 days. We moved to this tiny little 2 bedroom apartment, in the same neighborhood in the hopes we would be out of there soon. I crammed a 3 bedroom house with a 2 car garage into a 2 bedroom apartment. I was hopeful I would rebound on the job front and make a little bit more money then unemployment and disability could afford me. We're still here. Almost 3 years later. And this pile of paper bills is getting bigger and bigger. I'm afraid to stick my neck out on a bigger rent bill. It could be worse. At least we have a pool. Shit!

So here we are....almost 3 years later. My liar, sorry LAWYER calls me and tells me that she's obtained a lawyer right before the statute of limitations ran out. OH yeah! so? What? Let me guess; hurry up and wait some more. No! He says. We're going to mediation in Oct. He's trying to get them to settle. He's not budging on exactly half of the guy's policy for just me and maybe split the remaining with Hannah. Either way, it's coming to an end and we will get the bigger half of the policy. And you must be thinking...."all this for $15K? Oh no....this is just the beginning. I had a "under insured motorist" policy. We have to finish this policy out before I can have that payout on my policy. I've waited this long, I think I can wait a little longer. Oh and get this! He goes on to tell me that her medical bills are only $3K!!!! The kid's dad, the X boyfriend, never showed his face, they've been dropped from the suit. Hummm....Karma? Maybe.

And all this time it takes me a good half hour to warm up my muscles when I get out of bed in the morning. I'm stiff, I can't sit in one place for long periods of time; I can't ride horses anymore, (This especially breaks my heart. I've been an avid horse nut since I was 3 years old. It makes me cry to think about it.); I can't ride motorcycles, jet skis and all this pain I feel in my neck, my lower back, my hip and all that radiates into my legs is now permanent. I feel a constant ache and at times it cramps and I use a large ice pack to unlock those muscles. I never had to do this before in my life. I never felt this until after this accident. My left hand gives out on me due to the neurological damage I experienced and my left hip gives out if I put too much weight on it for long periods of time. I've reached the 2 year mark that tells you if the damage is permanent. Guess what, this is it. This is what I will be for the rest of my life. And I've been told it could develop into arthritis and really screw up my golden years. Oh yes, bend me over some more! I so don't need that vasaline! And my daughter? I got real lucky. She seems to be okay with a recurring neck cramping and headaches, I think she'll be fine. Thank GAWD!

Just think! All this damage, delay and heart break for a measly $3000.00! I hope you choke on it you Safeway working, Exterra driving dumb shit. If you had only gone ONE FUCKING BLOCK SOUTH TO THE FOUR WAY SIGNALED INTERSECTION, I wouldn't be in this mess!

And just for the record, I think you caused the accident! But I will be laughing LAST. So blow me! Greedy BEEEOTCH! So stick that $3000.00 up your ass!

J Grace

Pulled Every Which Way

I've just go to say I've been inundated with other people's drama, and from a strange place to boot. I try to please some of the people some of the time. Most of the time, I think everything is peachy. While other's seem to go off on their own weird tangents, under the radar. And out of left field, I'm a piece of shit.......
My mother put it best. Misery loves company. I'm not playing anymore. This company has left the building. I'm sad to say. I just don't have the energy to please others anymore. I'm gonna please me for a change. Myself has played second, third, fourth and fifth. So besides my children, I'm next. Then the rest of you can just get in line. And the squeeky wheel?......well they can move to the back of the line and squeek as much as their heart desires. Have a nice day.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I never believed in love at first sight. I thought that stuff only happens in the movies. Right? I'm cruizin' to ma's house down south, East Bay area, for the weekend. Mom was movin and she needed some help. My Lovie was staying the week, before the big trip back east to see her dad. Spendin' time with the G-Ma.

Anyway....I pull into the drive way....pour outta the truck with my crap in hand and Lovie in tow. I go bouncing up the front porch and pop into the open front door. I come face to face and eye to eye with this big, tatooed, bald headed biker type standing in my childhood living room. I took a quick glance at his face and I thought I recognized him for just a second. He looked just like someone I knew. Then I realized but only after I muttered the words...."What arrrrreeee youuuuuu doing".....(I wanted to say here?) this guy has tatoos and a red goatee....this isn't who I think it is....but DAMN!!!! Who IS this???? After what seemed to be a really long moment, mom breaks the silence and says, "this is my new roommate, Tom; This is my daughter, Juliet". (oh gawd! thanks ma.) I'm an idiot and I have no skills...really I'm a total dork....my face felt flushed and all I could do was look at his green, intense eyes...."Hi, how are ya?' he says, in this deep, raspy voice. Oh....I could feel my face getting hotter. Things were getting moist...and breathing became loud in my own head. What the hell is going on here? Oh shit! The moment passes and Lovie and I go about our day with the G-Ma. But during the whole weekend, Tom would show up....smile at me, with those sexy eyes and this killer grin, I couldn't take my eyes off him. We flirted something feirce that weekend. I later found out that his son said, right after that first moment, "DAD! Did you see the way she looked at you?!?!?". The same time my mother and my daughter made comments like "Do you know him?"....no. "What was that all about?'. I dunno. I thought he was someone else....until I got a good look at him. Trying to play it off. But every one in that room saw the electricity, saw the attraction, instant attraction. I wanted to kiss those lips from that moment on.


He kept coming around and doing stuff for my mom. She boasted about him, sung his praises and the whole time he had this look in his eye, like he wanted to rip my clothes off and chew on me. I like big biker types, I like tatoos....I like him a whole lot. He peaked my interest. We put mom's waterbed together, moved a bunch of her stuff. He did it all without a second thought. And he was right there helpin me and giving my longing gazes into his beautiful green eyes his full attention. MMMM. So I go back home, north, kinda bummed out.

The next weekend....I have to go down to drop off the boy. Their flying out the following tuesday and I had the whole 4 days to play with my new playmate. Let the flirting begin. It didn't last long. I think I was there two days and he kissed me. So soft, so passionate, strong arms around me. I melted. He picked me up and put me on my mom's granite counter top and kissed me....that was it. I was his. But he didn't know it yet.


That kiss put me over the top. We flirted with unyeilding vigor. Winking at each other when nobody was looking. Brushing past each other while eyes were elsewhere. He then did something I've never done. We went to the store for ma and he took a little detour. He popped into a nail salon. He wanted me to have a peticure. I've never had one before and really didn't know what to expect. We sat there waiting for my turn and this lady turns around and says, "I can't even get my husband to take me here let alone, sit in here with me". Wow, really? When they asked me to take a chair in the foot spa thing, he bent down and massaged my feet in front of everyone. I was in shock. He then sat back down and watched me. He sent me text messages saying how beautiful I was. Asked me how it felt. Geez, that was the best. I got a french manicure with a hot pink flower on each big toe. Their so CUTE! I'm not a big fan of girly stuff...but boy, I could get used to that. Then he whisks me off to lunch. We finally got to the store for mom. We went back to G-ma's house and proceeded to cook a fabulous steak barbeque dinner for everyone, the whole time, touching each other ever so slightly. Without letting on we were touching.

Later that night he took me and my wenchy out for a drink at the marina. I know he wanted to get me there alone. And I think Wenchy went to make sure he wasn't a nut job. We had a great time. I've never seen anyone dish back the crap my wenchy was giving out. That blew my mind. He was right there in it, scrappin' with her and she was warming up to him. NOT an easy thing to do. Espically a guy that wants the effections of her wenchy. We had a nice walk around the jogging course, it was all good. The next night it was our turn, alone. We sat in my truck and talked about all sorts of things. From life to death to merriage. It was like I've known him all my life. I was that comfortable with him from the get go. I've since talked him into coming up north and leaving the stressfull bay area for the calm and serenity of Mendocino county, if only for a weekend. I think he really liked it up here. We spent the fourth of July hugging under the stars and watching the fireworks. We had our own fireworks later......

I got ready for work this morning and put on my black sweatshirt.....much to my surprise, his colonge was all over that sweatshirt. I smelled it all day long and daydreamed. I even had my co-worker ladies smell it too! I think I'm in love and I think it started that first day, that first glance, that first intense look into those beautiful eyes. Oh it's a good life.

J Grace

What happens at grandma's, stays at grandma's.

Check this out. We're hanging out in the front yard at my mom's new house. And I'm talking to mom's hot new roommate. All of a sudden..."CRASH, BANG"! This little white car flys through a four way stop sign, smashes into the front end of a black Honda, totaling it, as it rolls back and smashes the front of some red car; the guy jumps the curb and barely missing the huge tree in the front yard and plows into the side of my mom's next door neighbor's house! Everyone came running outside and my wenchy had her camera.
Just goes to show you....don't get your foot stuck on the wrong pedal. What a great weekend at Grandma's house. Never a dull moment.

Tom, mom's hot roommate, grabs the camera and takes these killer pictures of the wreck. Then jumps on the back of one of the 3, yes 3 firetrucks that showed up at the scene for a campy moment with my son. They're so cute.

Old Flame, New Love

Okay I'm truly scared now. I'm at the bar with my best girlfriend and she gets this text from one of her good friends. She's known this guy for years. Both of us have. I went to the guy's 18th birthday long ago and far away. Anyway, she's chatting away and all of a sudden I get this text. It's this guy she was chatting with. We're deep in flirting with one another and the night ended uneventfully. Thus began a torrid cell phone love affair. Every night for a couple of months we talked on the phone. He didn't live in California. I kept thinking this isn't going to get anywhere. Little did I know......

Well here it is 3 months later and I'm picking him up at the airport. As soon as I drive up to greet him, all the sexual tension, attraction came right back. We were just kids back then. I was already involved with the kid's dad but we kissed that night at his party. I remembered how attracted I was to him back then. Blonde, blue eyed, tall. Really cute. And so fast! He lived a fast life. It scared me back then, it scares me now.

Now he's a little older, a little disheveled and wearing his life scars all over him. He's a tad bit mellower, but still too fast. He looked like he had been to hell and back. He came to visit for a week, so we could rehash old feelings and see if anything would develop. OH and it did. We're both single now. Lonely. That first night was odd. I've been alone for such a long time, I didn't know how to deal with having a man so attracted to me and in my face. He barely brought anything with him. Just a few items of clothes and he kinda blew off the rest of his belongings for where he came. I'm freaked out about this part. He has a house and a boat and cars out there, why would he blow those off. He doesn't call his family or his friends. I haven't told my best friend yet. (Though I will within a few minutes of posting this.) Within two days he professed his love and devotion. Now I'm really scared. He wants to take care of me and my kids. Wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. There's one problem. He reminds me so much of my x, the one that devastated my life and had such an impact, I didn't think I could love again. He looks like him, some of his issues are exactly like this x and he even acts like him at times. I'm scared.

Now he's living here with my kids and I. He went out and got a job within 4 days of coming out here. A major feat in this town. He's made friends and he likes his new job. He dropped everything and moved here. This freaks me out. I love the guy, but I don't know if I'm "in love" with him. I don't know what the hell to do. With his dropping everything and professing his undying love for me within a few days, it makes me wonder if he had anything to begin with. Did he really have a life to leave? Can he go back? I don't know. I'm just going with the flow right now. I feel crowded and pushed. I feel like I didn't have a choice in this love affair. Is this a control thing? I've always had feelings for the guy, I've always loved the guy, but am I ready for the rest of my life? Maybe I am jaded. Maybe that first cut was too deep. Maybe I'm not ready for this relationship, so quick, so soon. Everything is moving too fast. Now I have an issue to deal with. He's impulsive. He's in my face. He's needy. He won't let me sleep most nights. He tosses and turns, cant' sleep next to the wall cuz he feels confined. My kids are leaving for the east coast soon. I hope things get better then. I guess I'll find out real soon if he's marriage material. For now, I'm holding steady and waiting. I miss my single life. Who would have guessed? Life certainly has it's little tests and trials all mapped out for us. I don't think I'm gonna pass this one. I think I flunked already. Oh how I long for my dark haired, blue eyed bar buddy.And no, I never saw that guy again.

Juliet Grace

A man's worth

What is a man's worth without the glimpse of a God. And what is a woman's worth without the glimpse of a Goddess.

I loved him because I saw his glmipse of a God. Forever I will remember what I had saw. That glimpse of his God. He was beautiful, powerful, like I harnessed pure energy. For a moment in time. He was mine. And I saw the glimpse of the God he should have been.

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

Happy St. Paddy's day! Though I don't have a lick of Irish in me, I do think Ireland is one of the most beautiful places on earth. So to all who are Irish! Happy Paddy's day and keep drinking that green beer.
I know I will.....bottom's up baby!

And I thought I was DUN!

And I thought I was done! Pishaw! So my brother calls me up and wants to go shoot some pool, wanted to know if I'd want to go. Sure! I says. We go down to the local bar and grab up a table. I had reservations about going, being it only Monday and all. But ya know, I said to myself. "I'll just go for a couple of hours". Anyway, so were shootin' pool and his friend shows up and plays with us. Cool! Leaves me free to go flirt with the bartender. Woohoo!


Now keep in mind, I haven't done this sort of thing, the bar scene, in like 15 years. So I'm a tad nervous in a bar. Don't know what to expect and all. I'm over at the bar, flirting my ass off and waiting for my drink to be poured. All of a sudden this "missing link" looking fellow sits down next to me, almost on top of me. He's all hunched over and looking at my face with these wild, strange eyes. Drunk eyes. I quickly avert my astonishment to straight in front of me, which happens to be the bartender, who gives me this look of concern. I'm thinking, "oh SHIT!" I glance out of the side of my eyes to see "LINK" still staring at me! OH HORROR! WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE FREAKS??? Anyway, thank GAWD my brother came up behind me and bailed me outta there. "Let's shoot some pool, fucker."....oh hell yes! FREE! The whole rest of the time he was in there, this LINK fellow, he followed me around the bar. He lurked into the smoking area after I went inside. He brushed up against me as he came in the door. I put out my smoke and left immediately. He lurched past our pool table while I was up to shoot. OH just freaky. I asked my brother and his friend, "you guys will protect me right?"....I hear a resounding "oh hell no! I'm scared!" I said, "will you at least run with me?" "oh yah!" Great, just great! Finally Link left the bar. Whew!

But the night was still young. In walks a trio of hot, tall, blonde guys. I had noticed them all congregating together, then sometime when I wasn't looking, they disappeared. Oh well, I thought. I go off to have another smoke. I swing open the door, it's dark inside, a small bluish box like glow from the Mrs. Pac Man machine and the bar trivia game, I step inside. The door swings shut behind me, and the same three Adonis looking, model types are all standing, facing the door and staring at me. I had to stop and just picture them naked for a fleeting moment. I says, "hi". They all said, in unison, like conjoined triplets, "hi". Then they walk out! Well shit! This is the class, "bar 101". Good Lord! It was nice while it lasted.

Okay so I'm dun, right? Time to go home? But no, wait. Here comes these other three guys, just regular, decent looking Joes steppin' up to the bar and pullin' up a stool. I'm back shooting pool with the boys, in dire need of more Yagermiester and my brother in need of a beer, I trot off to the bar stools so I can once again take the opportunity to flirt with the bartender. I'm waiting to get my flirtatious bartender's attention, there's a lot of people in here on a Monday night. Don't these people have jobs? Hahaha. I plop down on a bar stool next to these three chatting guys, who sat at the end of the bar. I turn and look one of the guys in the face and strike up a conversation. I'm chatting with all three of them in a matter of minutes and having a good time, I forgot all about my brother's beer. He comes over and says, "your up"....."I don't wanna play"....."play for me".....he goes off to shoot more pool and left me to my conversation with these three guys. They introduce themselves. The one I sat next to had such a great face, I felt compelled to stay there and talk to him. So I did. The conversation flowed so easy and we were two inches from each other's noses. I'm chattin' away, he's responding, smiling, what a smile! And he had the deepest blue eyes I think I have ever seen. He was smart, cute, funny....oh lordy! My heart skipped a beat a few times. What's this? I thought, No! Can this be? I thought I was DUN!!!!

So as the night went on, we talked about our brackgrounds, where we grew up, all sorts of stuff. I haven't felt this comfortable in years. I kept leaning into him, so I could hear his voice. It was like velvet. He told me stories of the bartender and his black leather trench coat days. We laughed easily, smiled a whole lot. I couldn't get over those blue eyes of his. My heart racing the whole time. It was a strange feeling to me. Almost foreign. But yet, so enveloping and soothing. Bizzare. He started playing Liar's dice with my brother, trying to teach me how to play. I'm not a good liar, I don't have a poker face. So I would lean over and look at each one's dice after they rolled them. I'd lean real close to my new friend and I could tell he was smelling my perfume. I could hear him take in a breath every time I leaned over to see his dice. I had an uncontrollable urge to kiss those lips. I was drawn to his lips! I wanted to kiss him! What the hell is this about. I fought my urge with everything I had and continued to put on my best poker face and play dice. We laughed so much. I kept giving away their lies! I couldn't help it. I don't have a good poker face. But my face was flushed and I was having a good time. Unfortunately, time was up and he had to take his friend home. They abruptly got up, said good night and left. AUGH!!!! I had so much fun, I forgot to get his phone number! Can you believe it!!!!???? I'm such an idiot!!!! OH please let me run into him again....I promise, I'll go slow, just give me another shot at hanging out with him. I just want to talk to him some more. I'd like to get to know him and not the way you may be thinking, but truly know him before anything else. I can't get those blue eyes and that killer grin out of my head. I've been thinking about him ever since.

I think Cupid was whispering in our ears that night. Cuz we both looked like the
Cheshire cat, big stupid grin, chatting our asses off. I like him and I think he liked me.
We'll see.....maybe I'm not just DUN yet.

Love and peace my friends, keep your fingers crossed for me.

Juliet Grace

Discouraged

The first cut is the deepest. Or so they say. I have to admit, I'm very discouraged by the potential boyfriend pool around here. There's not much to pick from. Not that I'm a drop dead gorgeous and can pick and choose a potential mate; I'm cute, (or so I'm told); but man, there's nothing out here. Maybe it's me. Maybe that first cut was too deep. I know it sure hurt for a long, long time. I'm over that one. Hell it was almost 4 years ago. I learned a lot from that one, I'll tell ya. But ever since, I've met up with the weirdest bunch of guys that would make any girl turn tail and run. So I'd hang out with these guys for a little while to get to know the "real" person inside. Cuz it's all bullshit on the internet. Every guy is "easy going", "drama free", "compassionate" and "honest". Well shit, most of em' didn't give me a chance to get past their surface crap. A large number, when seen face to face, did not have a resemblence to the picture that's 5-10 years old, they had posted on the web of themselves. Maybe it's just as well. Then I get a glimpse into who they really are. Or maybe it's just my perception of who I think they are. Either way, it doesn't turn out so good.

I've been serial dating for a little over 2 years now. I've come across a number of different guys with different issues. One was a bull rider that lied, had other girls on the side and wanted me to wait on him hand and foot, some control thing, I guess. Another was an insecure bow hunter that thought he had a tiny penis. One was the squeakiest money spender I had ever seen. (Not that money matters to me.) Another was too clingy and needy. He had the greatest potential, he had everything I was looking for. Unfortunatly there were some ghosts in his closet, too big for me to exercise out. Then there was the old man, who posted 10 year old pictures on the web. That one didn't even get past drinks at the resturaunt. These were internet blind dates. I know what you're thinking....Why? Cuz there's no place to meet people here in the boonies. After all this, I swore off the internet for good. I'm deleting all my profiles out there, one by one.

So what's a single chick supposed to do? Go to the BAR! Oh hell! That's turning out to be just as bad as the internet thing. My first month out was a disaster. I'm friendly and I like to meet new people, regardless if they're mate potential or not. So I go to the bar. My first night out, not only do I strike up a conversation with a guy, who was with 2 other guys and a girl, but supposedly I'm the other woman now. I had never laid eyes on this guy until that night at the bar, next thing I know, pardon me for being friendly and talking to the guy, I'm "involved" with him now. Oh hell no! Then when I actually start to like someone else at the bar, I hear a nasty rumor that he's bisexual and a druggie. Then he starts spouting off about how all women are "evil". Well this is just great. I think I'm gonna quit looking now. I've had enough of this bullshit.

I'm a smart, sensitive, passionate woman who has her own life, her own money and likes her down time. I am issue free and intuitive, sometimes to a fault. I'm generous, helpful and loving. I have a job, I don't live with mom, and I own a nice ride. I'm not obese or toothless and I have all my hair. What the hell???? WHY CAN'T I find someone, anyone that's not nuts, freaky, weird or a controlling narcissistic asshole????? We all deserve to be loved. I gotta get this looser magnet off my forehead. In this world of sex now, relationship later; I'm gonna wait it out. Sorry guys, I'm not gonna be so easy to get to know. Due to technical difficulties, and circumstances beyond my control, I have to make sure you're worthy. Can you fill out this questionaire????
I figure if I make some male friends maybe one will reveal himself to be worthy of my love and devotion. One will stand up and take notice that I'm a helluve a catch and his life would only be improved with me as his girlfriend. I think I'm gonna have some serious gray hair before I find him. Until then, I'm gonna take care of things and make my goals a reality.

The first cut may be the deepest, and I may be jaded, but you can see what I'm dealing with here. If I'm truly jaded, do you think I'd hold faith that someday I'll find the "right" one for me? No I wouldn't. I'd loose all hope of ever finding that love. I'm a hopeless romantic and I know this can't be all there is. Is it? I hold out hope that there is someone for everyone. Someday he'll reveal himself to me.



Juliet Grace

William Henry Lubker; My Grandfather

Today is the day of the funeral for my Grandfather. This is the fifth relative I've burried in 3 years. I hope this is the last one for a very, very long time. If any of the remaining people in my family go, it will be devistaing. Not that the last five were not, but the survivors that are left in this family all mean so much to me and my kids.

My Grandfather was an incredible man. This is the man that taught me how to fish. A huge passion for him. He was a volunteer firefighter, a sucessful realtor for many years in my home town, a loving father, a great Grandpa and even more of a great great Grandpa. A lot of people have my Grandpa to thank for getting them their first house or some financial help. He was a leader in his community and helped so many people. He was my Grandmother's love of her life and she was his. They were soul mates. Finally after 18 years, they're together again. My Grandmother died in 1988. He died with diginity and love all around him. This is the way he wanted to go.

My mother called me and told me it was looking bad. So reluctantly, I packed my truck and the kids and headed down south. I was reluctant because I didn't know how bad he was and I almost didn't want to remember him like this, in his last few hours of life. But it was important to me that I see him before he made his final journey. To tell him I loved him. We did the Santa Rosa crawl, the Emeryville crawl and even crawled pasted the Oakland colseum. Something was keeping me from seeing my Grandpa and I had a severe case of road rage. (All these damn CARS! This is why I live up north. ) We finally made it, straight shot right to Grandpa's house. He's lived in the same house since I was like 7 or so. We've had so many family parties, gatherings and barbques there. And in the last few years, a few wakes. Anyway, I walked in the door and my mother, aunt and her crew were all there, hovering around my Grandpa. He was incohereant and listless. I found out he was in pain early on in the morning, so the docs gave him morphine to ease his suffering. He was barely concious.

I leaned down and kissed his sweat beaten forehead. He had a strange sound to him. They all piped up and told me it was the "death rattle".....great name for that...thanks whoever thought that one up. Then my aunt starts yelling at him...."dad, Juliet is here".....he wanted to sit up. The whole time I'm crouching next to the couch. He manages to get sat up straight and I got this voice in my head, this is it, Juliet, you better tell him what you came to say. I took his hand in mine and I got in his field of vision, about 2 inches from his nose and I whispered, "Grandpa, Grandpa, we're here, we love you, you can go home now, Grandma is waiting fo r you." He opened his eyes and he focused on me and he smiled. That was the last smile anyone got and it was for me. I know he knew I was there, I know he could hear me, I know he recognized me. I could smell my Grandma, I could feel her and I swear I felt her touch my shoulder as this exchange took place. The rest of the night he laid peacefully, breathing that funny breath and not really moving. We kept him warm, talked about old times and the fun he had in life. We talked about his accomplishments and his passions. We relived last years Thankgiving over and over again. We had taken him up to the mountains, somewhere he truly loved, and had a huge feast in the Sierras. It was his last trip. He slowly slipped away until the next morning when he took his last breath and was gone.

There was a part of me that wanted to celebrate. He gets to see my Grandma after all these years. I wished it was me. I miss her so much. But I know it's not my time yet. I know he saw her way before he actually left us. She occupied a chair the whole time I was there. I could feel her and I could smell her. She was taking him home. I was so glad for that. So glad that he is finally with her. I know he missed her so very much. It had been 18 years since she died, she was still young and it hit our family hard, we weren't the same after that. He never remarried, though he had a companion who loved him dearly and I was glad that he didn't spend the rest of his years alone. He was very easy to love. I was also glad that Grandpa didn't suffer and that he was in no pain. The kind of cancer he had could have left him in severe pain, but something stopped that and I think it had a lot to do with my Grandma. I was so thankful he went without pain and died with his family around him, at home. I look forward to the day when I can see them both again.

I do not fear death. I am not afraid to die. I don't want to feel pain when I go, I'd like to go peacefully and quietly. But I don't fear death. I believe that you see all your friends and relatives that have passed before you, they help you along. I believe that your spirit goes to a beautiful place, you become pain free, you don't have fear, you don't have guilt or stress, you become what you perceive in your life to be at your peak. Some say you become 30 years old again. I don't know about that. I do know that it's a better place then earth. And I look forward to seeing my Grandma, my Grandpa, my step dad; Randy, my uncle Gene and uncle Marshall and my aunt Mern, all of whom I miss so very much. Our lives haven't been the same since they left us here on earth. I miss all of you and please take care of my Grandpa, he's new.

Love and peace,

Juliet Grace

5 Weirdest things about me.....Thanks Tigress

Okay here goes.....

1. I don't like toenails. If you've got icky, brown, cracked toenails, don't show me your feet. I once saw this porno of some chick sucking on a black guys' toes and she actually picked off some dead skin and continued sucking....OH JUST FLIPPIN' YUCKY! I could have thrown up. And he had all these corns and callouses on the toes she was sucking. NOT SEXY BABE.

2. I don't like the sound of people running back and forth in the apartment above me. It drives me insane. I have these assholes that live above me in this crappy little apartment I was forced to move to, long story. And these people never stop stomping or yelling or falling down, it never stops. I've complained and glared at them. I've even taken my mop handle and pounded on the ceiling to no avail. They even had the audacity to throw their McDonalds debris down on my doorstep, vacuum at 11:30 on a week night and play the crappiest, home burned cd of straight up CRAP as loud as that little piece of shit radio can play. Oh Lordy! They hang out all night, yelling, cussing and being loud till late into the night. Please people! I need to sleep. Obviously these people don't have jobs! People, be kind to your neighbors.....

3. Kids, I like kids, really; But I'm talking bout "little" kids SCREAMING and RUNNING around. People, just because you're in a mall or a restaurant doesn't mean you can let the little glazed doughnut monsters run free. Restrain your children. I have kids and I had enough respect for the general public not to unleash my children on the unsuspecting patrons already at these establishments. And that brings me to small children in an "R" rated movie. Come on! There's gore and slashing on the screen and some kid in the back row starts screaming and crying. Oh that pretty much spoiled the moment for me. Don't take little kids to grown up movies. GAWD! And turn off the damn cell phones, GEEZ! Little kids swearing; it's not cute to teach 3 year old Johnny to say "fuck you". Sorry.

4. I hate unruly, random hairs anywhere. I pluck those suckers right out. And Tigress, I agree, I'm a picker too. Anything on me or my kids, it's gotta be gone. I hate running my hand over someone's' shoulder and feel some icky, little, hard thing, be it a zit or a scab...it's gone. I don't like dirt and stuff under my fingernails either. Long fingernails put on by the salon, a complete waste of money and besides, why do women grow them so long, their hands become useless. Screw that!

5. Oh and i like mint jelly on my lamb chops and applesauce on my pork chops. MMMM...and I eat the center of all oreo's before the cookie. I stir my tea with a butter knife and I prefer soft, real butter to hard, yucky margarine.

Ya BABY! That's what makes us all unique!