Just Living the Dream, Baby.

So it's Sunday. A day of rest, household chores and internet surfing. I was in a blistful slumber when all of a sudden I hear the piercing whine of a chain saw very close. I look at the clock and it's 8:30! FUCKING ASSHOLE! Aren't Sundays meant for rest and relaxation? Not to mention how RUDE this is to subject all of his neighbors to this high pitched, squeeling buzzing noise for probably most of the day. But to start at 8:30 in the morning? On a Sunday? Clearly this fellow is an asshole and only thinks of himself. Isn't there some sort of law governing what time of day is appropriate to start makin' noise? Shouldn't I be allowed outside silence or effort there of, till 10am on the weekends? I mean really. Maybe I'm just pissy. Espically since I was so rudely woken up, I think I have a valid reason to be just a little pissy. People, be kind to your neighbors. Cuz this just sucks. And ya, he's still at it. At one point, earlier, I could clearly hear him say...."whadda ya think?" And I loudly proclaimed; "I think you shoulda started at NOON!". Asshole!

J. Grace

And it's Harder as Anything Else

Just sitting there, bored out of my skull. You came to play. I took one look and had to look away. I couldn't look at you. Your light blinded me. I was so mesmerized by that light, pure curiosity. You began to play that guitar. Your eyes closed and your head fell back. I saw something I'll never forget. Please don't play that song again. I'll cry. I'll cry so hard my eyes will hurt. Don't even start to strum that guitar in those chords. Because i know that song isn't for me, but when you play it..your voice, your face shows what that song means to you. I held back my tears just watching you sing. I didn't even know you and I saw this emerge. This is a man with soul and your soul speaks to me. Your heart is on your sleeve when you play that song. Don't play that song. I've not known you too long. Don't look at me with your blue eyes. That song, that damn song. You had me with that song. The moment I laid eyes on you. You had me when you sang that song. My heart stopped. My soul ached. I've known this ache before. It's harder as anything else. I watched, heart pounding, soul screaming. I put on my best poker face. I didn't want to look like a groupie. You looked at me with those baby blue eyes. My heart stopped again. I wanted to touch your face, kiss your lips, instantly. You made me laugh so much my cheeks hurt. So smart, so beautiful, soulful man. None the likes I've seen. I had to get closer to you, Just talk to you at first, and see if what i was hearing, could be. I couldn't help myself. You came to visit, you wanted to stay. Were you here for me? I don't know. Were you made for me? I don't know that either. It's harder as anything else. I just wanted to talk to you a little. I got my wish. We talked so long. You blew me away. I knew you would. I sat and listened to your voice and heard your words. I never wanted it to end. I wasn't looking for anything, I wasn't expecting this. Just talk to me baby. Long into the night. Till the morning came. You did more then that. Feelings stirred that have been dormant for years. Never laughed so hard in my life.
I could do this for the rest of my life. And not even feel the years go by.
Yes, baby......I could do this for the next 30 years with you.
Your hand on my skin was so warm. Your hand caressing my skin awakened every nerve. My heart would stop with just your touch. I'd hold my breath. I could rest my head on your chest forever. I wanted to heal your wounds and protect you. That face, those eyes, all that blond hair. Just sing to me baby. I could run my hands over your body forever. I could run my fingers through all that hair, soft blond hair. I could kiss those lips forever. I can feel you from far away. I'd rather feel you close by. I have to wait. I have to see. Were you really here for me? Not intentionally. But accidentally. So very briefly. You touched me baby. I left your arm there. I felt I was protected, instantly at ease. I still don't know why we slept that way. I so wanted to curl up next to you. But that song, that damn song. Touched me so far down, though I've not known you long, I'm not sure how you did it. I don't fall that fast, I'm guarded and cautious. You went right though me. Past all my defenses. I'm blown away. Floored. It's harder as anything else. Showed me a glimpse. Timing's off, things need to be done first. Things need to be in order. I knew this going into it. You have much to do. If this is a possibility, things need to be in order. Was that for me? I dunno. Don't do this on my account. Do what you need to do then see how your heart feels. Just talk to me baby. It's hard as anything else. Before you left, I held back my tears. You'd look at my eyes and I'd have to turn away. Showin' you that poker face and not the tears welling up behind my eyes. I'll wait but not forever. I can't. I'll never forget you and I'll always wonder what could have been. Come back to me baby and we'll pick up where we left off. Like a continuum. If it's meant to be, you'll return. Things seem emptier now. Take care of yourself baby. Someone missed you before you even left the driveway. Someone was crying before you ever left. Hard to hide my tears and the sadness at the chance I'll never lay eyes on you again. I may never get another chance. That's the hardest part. But I understand. It has to be. It's harder as anything else to let you go and keep my poker face.....and if you never return, I'll miss you always. Until our paths cross again love. I'll miss you terribly. I'll miss your kiss, I'll miss your touch, I'll miss your caress, I'll miss your beautiful blue eyes and your laugh. I miss you already. Seems like you took part of me with you. And not just my suitcase. This is so much harder as anything else. I'll think about you and all the good times we had together. That last night, going through the crowd. I reached for your hand cuz I didn't want you to get lost without me. I liked holding your hand. It was all so quick. So very brief, such a short time together. I'll think about that last night. . You started to strum that chord on that guitar. My eyes instantly welled up. I had to fight them back. I don't know if you saw it, but you stopped playing that damn song. Thank you....really. I didn't want to cry. It was that song. You touched me so far down with that song that night. The world doesn't see that part of me. But you touched me like it was yours alone, effortlessly. Like you'd been there all along. How did you do that? I hope you think of me. I watched you play and I had to touch you, play with your ears, sit closer to you....and just listen to you sing. You were leaning in to me baby. You felt so good that last night. I was thrashed and I loved every minute of it. The timing was right for that. At last. We fit so well, felt so good, makes me ache now. What I would give to feel you now. I got real close and you got inside. With just one look, one song. Gawd that song. I loved that song. Just talk to me baby. Just sing to me baby. I'm not going anywhere.
Goodbye for now, love.

J. Grace



Modest Mouse "Baby Blue Sedan"

Selzer/Sierra Sunset Experience

The following was taken directly from Selzer Realty's Property Management web site:

Property Management

RENTING? LEASING? If you want to rent a personal residence, lease commercial office space, or hire a property manager for your rental property, Selzer Realty offers a full-service property management department. Our full-time manager works with a large, professional staff, managing and maintaining a wide variety of rental properties. They will be happy to show you what is available or discuss the management of your property.

*Tenant Screening
*24 Hour Emergency Service
*Rental Collections
*Knowledge of Rental Trends
*Evictions
*Development & Placement of Vacancy Advertising
*Automated Payments of All expenses including Taxes, Insurance and Loan Payments
*Volume Discounts with Local Suppliers
*Licensed Contractors or Full Service Maintenance Crews covered by Worker's Compensation
*Regular Property Inspections
*Property Management Office

Visit Selzer @ http://www.realtyworldselzer.com/default

They forgot to add a few things to this list....

*Ignore all "acquired" tenants regardless of their stated income, except for when rent is due. (3x's the rent with SPOTLESS credit! Medical leans count in their book! All this for some piece of shit apartment! Am I buying or renting here????)
*Lagging on all repairs (Over a year to replace a 20 year old dishwasher!)
*We will keep most if not all of your tenant's deposits! (Regardless of how the place looked upon new tenancy.) And take up to 4 months to return deposits.
*Astronomical hourly wages ($25.00 an Hr.) given to repair men after you terminate vacancy, but repair men are paid $12.00 an hour while their fixing your apartment. Thus SAVING money and putting repair men's wages on vacating tenants.

*Repair Management "pads" hours, services rendered and condition of property on all service receipts. Again saving you, the owners money and putting needed upgrade/repairs on vacating tenants.
*Repair men will damage apartments, then nail tenants with repair costs later. Saving even more money to get your crappy apartment restored so you can charge more rent on the new tenants!

Thus was my experience at Sierra Sunset Apartments.

FUCK YOU SELZER REALTY!

I never have to deal with you again!

J. Grace

Moms get the SHAFT, MAN.

My son has turned 18. Forget the fact I feel so flippin' old, I should be using geritol and wearing depends; but now I have an 18 year old living in my house. And he doesn't just live here, he LIVES here. All around my house is little bits of him everywhere. BE it a wrapper, his dirty rolled up sock, or his dishes, you know he's been here! He knows he's leaving his mark all over my house, he encourages his friends to do the same. And it's a constant barrage of strange teenagers and their tiny, little, pale girlfriends. All decked out in their ear gear, chain mail and ties. This marauding bunch is into "Guitar Hero" on the Playstation 2 and "butt sex". They like screaming loudly for no apparent reason, because it's "fun". Putting their balls on their buddy's forehead and posting it on myspace. Good Lord! What the hell happened here?!?!?! It's like they try to gross each other out the worst. What are we 5?

I came to a realization. Kick out my son, there goes the wanna be derelicts. It's not like he is a joy to live with. Is it bad to want to kick his lazy, manipulative smart ass out of the house? Since he knows EVERYTHING let him go out and take care of himself. He can get a job, an apartment. Hell he can get a damn car now and not take the test! He says he can just walk into the DMV and they just hand him over a license to drive. Boy, he's in for a surprise. Hell he can write his own excuses to the school if he misses any classes. What the hell does he need me for? Oh yeah! I pay for his Internet and his fridge full of food. He says school sucks. Sucks so bad he repeated the 8th grade and now he's got another year. Shit! I wish he'd take the GED and get it over with. He says he can pass that test easy....piece of cake. DO IT!!!! I'm so ready for this kid to get a taste of adult life. He's in for a big shock. Someday he's going to realize that mom was right. I did. You did. All of us did and will. It's part of growing up and becoming an adult. He's been touting his own horn for years, time to put up or shut up oh lovely offspring. Course I'm to blame for it all if it goes bad.

Moms get the shaft man...I told him he was smart, and he is so brilliant. But he's LAZY. And he wants things easy, handed to him based on his word. He has nothing to back it up. Not enough life under him. So unmotivated, so unwilling to work for things. I never taught my kids to be lazy. I taught them you have to work at things to get what you want in life. I don't understand why he's so stubborn. And he blames me for being the way he is. At some point don't kids have a mind of their own? When does it become his fault? Now that's he's officially an adult? Who made up this rule? I didn't choose for him not to do his 8th grade homework, thus failing and being held back. Why would I wish that upon him? He can be anything he puts his mind to. I just wish he'd put his mind to something, anything, before it's too late. I don't want him to be living with mom when he's 30! Straight kill me! I love my son, don't get me wrong, but he's a big mouth, opinionated, manipulating asshole. At some point his personality and mine became like oil and water. And now that he's an adult, I see light at the end of the tunnel. Just let him survive his adulthood cuz it was tough surviving his childhood. And that's just me and his sister. We survived his childhood. He can be whatever he wants to be, and he'll be good at it. I just hope he picks something good, not illegal, immoral....cuz he'd be good at that too.


J.Grace

Music Video:

Too Shy To Speak

So there I am, having sushi with a friend on Friday night....and in walks this tall, dark, gleaming smile, absolutely gorgeous guy. He had this glow about him....almost amber in color and a sparkle in his eyes. I tried so hard not to look at him. I was instantly sucked in, I couldn't help it. (secretly I wanted to take his picture and keep that moment for myself.) Out of respect for the person I was with, unlike most dildos here in Ukiah, I kept my eyes forward. (I have excellent preriferial vision. This comes in handy a whole lot. You'll see why in a minute. Must be the "mommy training".) He starts talking to the chef, ribbing him a little and the chef seems to know him. Must be a regular patron, I thought. He had called in an order to go. Looked like 3 orders of Cali rolls...mmm. He's in front of the register, paying for his order, chatting with the chef, and he looks over at me, like right into my eyes. He held that gaze with me for it seemed like a long time, then he starts diggin in his pockets for money, even says something to my friend, and looks up at me again, holding my gaze. (WHAT THE HELL???) They shared a little laugh and I flashed a smirk at him. Again, diverting my eyes so as not to look like a school girl gazing at the object of her crush! Gawd! I'm such a dork! He was still looking at me, like he was gonna say something to me, I could see it out of the corner of my right eye. Then he says, "10 more minutes? Okay, I'll wait." He walks behind me and my friend to sit at the sushi bar. He's leaning over so as not to hit the decorations draped down from the over hang in the ceiling. He says to the chef, "you don't decorate for tall people, here huh?" Ribbing the chef. Their laughing as he takes two steps and leans way too far over me, takes in a deep breath and sits down in the empty seat one over from me. He's still looking at me! (WHAT THE HELL???) Leaning over the bar so much as to be in my "personal space" as he's adjusting his coat. He coulda leaned the other way, there were two empty seats next to him. (This happens a lot to me, people like to get into my "personal space bubble"....I'm not sure why this has been happening. And it only started happening since I moved up here.) He finally looks at the chef and starts ribbing him some more. Their going back and forth, free lunch this, taco bell that. It was amusing and I was in awe at how friendly this guy was and quick too. The chef is all backed up on orders, so the chef's wife asked him if he'd like a soporo, beer. They carry on some more, chit-chatting. She was pouring the beer for him and again, he looked directly at me as if he was going to say something. Again, I diverted my gaze to my sushi being made. (Which was directly in front of him.) He kept staring at me. I'm really a shy person with an outgoing brain, I just can't make my lips move to speak. Like stage fright. I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth or sound like a retard. But I could feel his eyes on me, I could see his gaze through the corner of my left eye. I didn't say anything and neither did he. He took in a breath like he was going to say something to me. I kept staring straight ahead. He let it out in a quiet sigh. (This is how close to him I was.) Some more chatting ensued while he drank his beer. He kept putting it down and looking at me, then he'd look back at the chef. He did this for about 10 minutes. It was like he wanted to say something to me but didn't. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it was a little on the weird side. I had to stay cool, I didn't want to offend my friend. His order was ready, he finished off the rest of his beer, stood up and leaned over me again, walking toward the register. The chef's wife put his stuff in a bag and handed it to him. He gazed at me again, turning on his heals and was headed toward the door. I heard the door open and it took a long time to shut. It was a heavy door and closed easily. I got the feeling he paused at the door and looked back at me. I could feel his gaze at the back of my neck. Then he was gone.

WHAT THE HELL???? Why does this keep happening to me? Really? Anybody else have these "feelings"? Or should I be calling the psyche ward? Is it we as humans don't act on our gut instincts? Our feelings? I wonder if I'll see this guy again, somewhere. I would have liked to talk to him. I guess I have this radar that's constantly going. It picks up on certain people. Maybe it was that he was very personable, funny and outgoing, and really I'm drawn to those types of people. Usually the attraction isn't reciprocated. Sometimes certain people ricochet off me and I off them. I'm not sure why this is. Sometimes, there's nothing and I chalk it up to they have attractive features that I see, the photographer mind kicks in and that's the end of it. Then there are these other people. Sure, they're attractive. But usually at the beginning, my pessimistic mind takes over and I'm too fat, too ugly, not as popular as this person clearly is, so I don't put any more thought into them. It kinda ends there. Only this one, he was different. He reciprocated, almost like I could hear his thoughts in his head, but not really. Intuition? Maybe. I'd let it go by now but this encounter seems to keep creeping into my head over and over again. I had thoughts of going back to the sushi bar and giving the chef my card and asking him to give it to this beautiful stranger so I could take his picture. You know I won't. Hell I was too shy to even speak! There's no way I'd walk in there and do this. But you never know. If I get the chance again, I'll speak up. Hopefully. Gawd! I'm such a dork!!!!

Just not meant to be

Okay, I knew it had be too good to be true. I just don't get it. Why do guys feel they need to impress me with money and pretending to be who they're not. I just don't get it. I'm an honest and up front type of person. I don't have any money either, it's cool....I'm happy. Money comes and Money goes....mostly goes....But since I started this newly found single life, I keep running across these candidates for Prozac poster children. What the hell? The latest one, he went the way of fabricating a much brighter life only to have me discover he was full of shit! My mistake. I take people at their word. Sorry it's old school I know but damn, am I that gullible? Lie after lie, and I believe most of it was made up on the spot. I actually believed his shit! I'm not perfect, I don't' expect anyone else to be. People when you're life is nothing but drama, figure out why you are causing your drama, YOU ARE THE CAUSE OF YOUR OWN DRAMA. Don't put it on someone else to solve your drama. That's not fair. And if you're sick, get help, seek help....don't live in denial. Common'...it's in your face how can you pretend it's not there? It's blatantly obvious, why deny it? I'm tired. I don't need teenage drama and flat out denial. I'm too old for this crap. It's not working! You're not fooling anyone. Put it away Suzi.

I'm sad about this last one. He was very sweet to me. I had an early sign. I knew we had no chemistry after when we went to the coast and there was no TV at the B&B! OH my GAWD the horror! (I can seriously live without tv. DSL hookup? Kill me first before dial up!) But he couldn't. I really liked this one. I knew this trip would be the tell all be all relationship breaker. Yep, I was right, we couldn't hold a conversation to save our lives. We were doomed. Cuz ya know, when the sex is gone, all you got left is conversation. And really I just like to be held. Then after that purely obvious flaw in this match, the lies started to fly.

I was dumbfounded at first....going "what the hell????" I laid back and watched. See how far he'd take it. He took it way far. So far out there that I no longer believe anything that comes out of his mouth. We're talking pathological liar here. Or in desperate need of some psyche drugs. Something, cuz that boy just ain't right. Definitely not a life partner. By any means.

Then the annoying habits started to come into play. 15 phone calls to my cell and home phone in just under 2 hours. Leaving a message every time. Saying stuff like "I'm going to bed" in a panic stricken voice, 6 times in a row....! Or the beat puppy dog voice when I don't pick up my cell phone after the 6th call in 10 minutes. Maybe it's me. I don't have the urge to call my significant other multiple times a day to listen to them breathe in the phone. Let me just give you an example of the kind of drama I've been putting up with for the last 6 months....

It started out....Hey baby what do you REALLY want for Christmas? A Nikkon D80 camera. But it's too expensive to ask for, but I'm buying it in Feb. It's too much for someone to spend on me.

For weeks after that, he kept saying, "you're gonna love your present". "it's your dream camera"...."I paid for all of it at the camera store in town". "you can pick it up in a week, they were out of them".
One week later: "oh, there's something wrong with the lens, has to be sent back, another week".
One week later on that Friday: "my credit card didn't go through". "I'll have my boss send a check to the camera store via Fed Ex".
That Saturday: "Fed Ex picked up the check, but nobody knows where it went after that". (I had a photo gig to do that night, I was sweatin it big time.) "We're sending a courier out to pick up another check and deliver it to the camera store by 4 o'clock today".

4 O'clock: Camera store owner calls me and says, "We have to wait for the check to clear, you can come pick it up in 5 working days". (Luckily, I'm a resourceful girl and pulled off that gig without a hitch.)
That following Friday": "Do me a big favor, go pick up your camera". Not 15 minutes went by and the owner called me up and said they had a letter from the bank saying they cancelled the check. Must be a mistake, right? I found out later that this check from his boss was cancelled on purpose because they were bankrupt and had no money to cover it. Interesting.

Then for a few days I heard nothing of the camera. Until we were on a little trip he insisted on taking to the coast. "oh your birthday/Christmas present is under the back seat of my truck."

We get down to the bay area and he disappears for a few hours. I found out later that he had gone to another camera shop and bought it Christmas eve. He hands the bag to my mom and asks her to wrap it. Then he insists on making me open it in front of my whole family who was attending the traditional dinner. We always open our gifts from immediate family after the cousins and aunts all leave. Cuz we don't wanna make people feel left out or bad....cuz it's just a frenzy. Anyway, he makes me open it in front of everyone, and as I pull out the box, there is stunned silence. It's a camera alright, a camera that was not what I wanted and it had no lenses. I couldn't even use it. I went over to him and kissed his cheek and told him thank you while my family looked on in disbelief. They all knew what it was supposed to be, including me, cuz he couldn't keep his mouth shut and he's quite the bragger. Then later he tells me that I can take it back and get the one I want because they didn't have any more D80s in stock. He said he paid for all the lenses and a kit, I just have to return it up where I live later on. Okay, I can do that.
Where's the receipt? "oh, I left it in my friend's truck. He's gonna send it up to you Fex Ex." By this time we had gone home, 3 hours north of where he bought it.
I won't even get into the drama that ensued during that few days. He ended up being driven by this friend back down south, the friend brought the receipt up with him when he picked him up. When I got the receipt, I noticed it's much lower then the price of the camera I wanted. ( I had been pricing these for a year, I knew how much it was.) Like 2/3 less. "just have the sales guy pull up the receipt number and it will show all the stuff I bought at the other store."

So the following Saturday I take an hour long car ride down to return the camera and do like he said to do. I walked out of that store not even being able to return it cuz the check hadn't gone through yet!
At that point, I was done. I packed up all that was givin to me and sent it back down to him. I told him to keep his money, I was getting the damn thing in Feb anyway. "Just get your money back".

I then broke up with him. It wasn't just because of the camera drama, there was much much more in between that I just can't bore you with. Including, but not limited to several blows to the head, two trips to the ER and many panic attacks. Blood where it shouldn't be and then hidden in plain sight. Kids not spoken of and an army career that never existed. Not to mention the white elephant of a house and a Harley that he pretended didn't exist and thus abandoned. I'd had it. The denial was too large for me to tackle. Bold faced, flat out lies. I was done. I was so overwhelmed with his problems that mine ceased to exist. Though tiny in comparison, let me tell ya, they had all been pushed aside to deal with his. I woke up and decided that was enough.

But the camera just won't go away. Today I received, via Fed Ex, a package from him. It is a Nikkon Cool Pix digital camera and Epson printer. Very nice indeed, but still not a Nikkon D80. I'll keep it because he went through all this drama, self inflicted drama, to buy me a camera. I'll always think of him when I use it. I did really like him. He just blew it by pretending to be something he wasn't. And there is so much more, so much more I could say, but I cared for the guy and I'm not going to air all of his flaws on the web.

It just wasn't meant to be. SaLaVie.

J. Grace

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