Discouraged

The first cut is the deepest. Or so they say. I have to admit, I'm very discouraged by the potential boyfriend pool around here. There's not much to pick from. Not that I'm a drop dead gorgeous and can pick and choose a potential mate; I'm cute, (or so I'm told); but man, there's nothing out here. Maybe it's me. Maybe that first cut was too deep. I know it sure hurt for a long, long time. I'm over that one. Hell it was almost 4 years ago. I learned a lot from that one, I'll tell ya. But ever since, I've met up with the weirdest bunch of guys that would make any girl turn tail and run. So I'd hang out with these guys for a little while to get to know the "real" person inside. Cuz it's all bullshit on the internet. Every guy is "easy going", "drama free", "compassionate" and "honest". Well shit, most of em' didn't give me a chance to get past their surface crap. A large number, when seen face to face, did not have a resemblence to the picture that's 5-10 years old, they had posted on the web of themselves. Maybe it's just as well. Then I get a glimpse into who they really are. Or maybe it's just my perception of who I think they are. Either way, it doesn't turn out so good.

I've been serial dating for a little over 2 years now. I've come across a number of different guys with different issues. One was a bull rider that lied, had other girls on the side and wanted me to wait on him hand and foot, some control thing, I guess. Another was an insecure bow hunter that thought he had a tiny penis. One was the squeakiest money spender I had ever seen. (Not that money matters to me.) Another was too clingy and needy. He had the greatest potential, he had everything I was looking for. Unfortunatly there were some ghosts in his closet, too big for me to exercise out. Then there was the old man, who posted 10 year old pictures on the web. That one didn't even get past drinks at the resturaunt. These were internet blind dates. I know what you're thinking....Why? Cuz there's no place to meet people here in the boonies. After all this, I swore off the internet for good. I'm deleting all my profiles out there, one by one.

So what's a single chick supposed to do? Go to the BAR! Oh hell! That's turning out to be just as bad as the internet thing. My first month out was a disaster. I'm friendly and I like to meet new people, regardless if they're mate potential or not. So I go to the bar. My first night out, not only do I strike up a conversation with a guy, who was with 2 other guys and a girl, but supposedly I'm the other woman now. I had never laid eyes on this guy until that night at the bar, next thing I know, pardon me for being friendly and talking to the guy, I'm "involved" with him now. Oh hell no! Then when I actually start to like someone else at the bar, I hear a nasty rumor that he's bisexual and a druggie. Then he starts spouting off about how all women are "evil". Well this is just great. I think I'm gonna quit looking now. I've had enough of this bullshit.

I'm a smart, sensitive, passionate woman who has her own life, her own money and likes her down time. I am issue free and intuitive, sometimes to a fault. I'm generous, helpful and loving. I have a job, I don't live with mom, and I own a nice ride. I'm not obese or toothless and I have all my hair. What the hell???? WHY CAN'T I find someone, anyone that's not nuts, freaky, weird or a controlling narcissistic asshole????? We all deserve to be loved. I gotta get this looser magnet off my forehead. In this world of sex now, relationship later; I'm gonna wait it out. Sorry guys, I'm not gonna be so easy to get to know. Due to technical difficulties, and circumstances beyond my control, I have to make sure you're worthy. Can you fill out this questionaire????
I figure if I make some male friends maybe one will reveal himself to be worthy of my love and devotion. One will stand up and take notice that I'm a helluve a catch and his life would only be improved with me as his girlfriend. I think I'm gonna have some serious gray hair before I find him. Until then, I'm gonna take care of things and make my goals a reality.

The first cut may be the deepest, and I may be jaded, but you can see what I'm dealing with here. If I'm truly jaded, do you think I'd hold faith that someday I'll find the "right" one for me? No I wouldn't. I'd loose all hope of ever finding that love. I'm a hopeless romantic and I know this can't be all there is. Is it? I hold out hope that there is someone for everyone. Someday he'll reveal himself to me.



Juliet Grace

William Henry Lubker; My Grandfather

Today is the day of the funeral for my Grandfather. This is the fifth relative I've burried in 3 years. I hope this is the last one for a very, very long time. If any of the remaining people in my family go, it will be devistaing. Not that the last five were not, but the survivors that are left in this family all mean so much to me and my kids.

My Grandfather was an incredible man. This is the man that taught me how to fish. A huge passion for him. He was a volunteer firefighter, a sucessful realtor for many years in my home town, a loving father, a great Grandpa and even more of a great great Grandpa. A lot of people have my Grandpa to thank for getting them their first house or some financial help. He was a leader in his community and helped so many people. He was my Grandmother's love of her life and she was his. They were soul mates. Finally after 18 years, they're together again. My Grandmother died in 1988. He died with diginity and love all around him. This is the way he wanted to go.

My mother called me and told me it was looking bad. So reluctantly, I packed my truck and the kids and headed down south. I was reluctant because I didn't know how bad he was and I almost didn't want to remember him like this, in his last few hours of life. But it was important to me that I see him before he made his final journey. To tell him I loved him. We did the Santa Rosa crawl, the Emeryville crawl and even crawled pasted the Oakland colseum. Something was keeping me from seeing my Grandpa and I had a severe case of road rage. (All these damn CARS! This is why I live up north. ) We finally made it, straight shot right to Grandpa's house. He's lived in the same house since I was like 7 or so. We've had so many family parties, gatherings and barbques there. And in the last few years, a few wakes. Anyway, I walked in the door and my mother, aunt and her crew were all there, hovering around my Grandpa. He was incohereant and listless. I found out he was in pain early on in the morning, so the docs gave him morphine to ease his suffering. He was barely concious.

I leaned down and kissed his sweat beaten forehead. He had a strange sound to him. They all piped up and told me it was the "death rattle".....great name for that...thanks whoever thought that one up. Then my aunt starts yelling at him...."dad, Juliet is here".....he wanted to sit up. The whole time I'm crouching next to the couch. He manages to get sat up straight and I got this voice in my head, this is it, Juliet, you better tell him what you came to say. I took his hand in mine and I got in his field of vision, about 2 inches from his nose and I whispered, "Grandpa, Grandpa, we're here, we love you, you can go home now, Grandma is waiting fo r you." He opened his eyes and he focused on me and he smiled. That was the last smile anyone got and it was for me. I know he knew I was there, I know he could hear me, I know he recognized me. I could smell my Grandma, I could feel her and I swear I felt her touch my shoulder as this exchange took place. The rest of the night he laid peacefully, breathing that funny breath and not really moving. We kept him warm, talked about old times and the fun he had in life. We talked about his accomplishments and his passions. We relived last years Thankgiving over and over again. We had taken him up to the mountains, somewhere he truly loved, and had a huge feast in the Sierras. It was his last trip. He slowly slipped away until the next morning when he took his last breath and was gone.

There was a part of me that wanted to celebrate. He gets to see my Grandma after all these years. I wished it was me. I miss her so much. But I know it's not my time yet. I know he saw her way before he actually left us. She occupied a chair the whole time I was there. I could feel her and I could smell her. She was taking him home. I was so glad for that. So glad that he is finally with her. I know he missed her so very much. It had been 18 years since she died, she was still young and it hit our family hard, we weren't the same after that. He never remarried, though he had a companion who loved him dearly and I was glad that he didn't spend the rest of his years alone. He was very easy to love. I was also glad that Grandpa didn't suffer and that he was in no pain. The kind of cancer he had could have left him in severe pain, but something stopped that and I think it had a lot to do with my Grandma. I was so thankful he went without pain and died with his family around him, at home. I look forward to the day when I can see them both again.

I do not fear death. I am not afraid to die. I don't want to feel pain when I go, I'd like to go peacefully and quietly. But I don't fear death. I believe that you see all your friends and relatives that have passed before you, they help you along. I believe that your spirit goes to a beautiful place, you become pain free, you don't have fear, you don't have guilt or stress, you become what you perceive in your life to be at your peak. Some say you become 30 years old again. I don't know about that. I do know that it's a better place then earth. And I look forward to seeing my Grandma, my Grandpa, my step dad; Randy, my uncle Gene and uncle Marshall and my aunt Mern, all of whom I miss so very much. Our lives haven't been the same since they left us here on earth. I miss all of you and please take care of my Grandpa, he's new.

Love and peace,

Juliet Grace