Today is the day of the funeral for my Grandfather. This is the fifth relative I've burried in 3 years. I hope this is the last one for a very, very long time. If any of the remaining people in my family go, it will be devistaing. Not that the last five were not, but the survivors that are left in this family all mean so much to me and my kids.
My Grandfather was an incredible man. This is the man that taught me how to fish. A huge passion for him. He was a volunteer firefighter, a sucessful realtor for many years in my home town, a loving father, a great Grandpa and even more of a great great Grandpa. A lot of people have my Grandpa to thank for getting them their first house or some financial help. He was a leader in his community and helped so many people. He was my Grandmother's love of her life and she was his. They were soul mates. Finally after 18 years, they're together again. My Grandmother died in 1988. He died with diginity and love all around him. This is the way he wanted to go.
My mother called me and told me it was looking bad. So reluctantly, I packed my truck and the kids and headed down south. I was reluctant because I didn't know how bad he was and I almost didn't want to remember him like this, in his last few hours of life. But it was important to me that I see him before he made his final journey. To tell him I loved him. We did the Santa Rosa crawl, the Emeryville crawl and even crawled pasted the Oakland colseum. Something was keeping me from seeing my Grandpa and I had a severe case of road rage. (All these damn CARS! This is why I live up north. ) We finally made it, straight shot right to Grandpa's house. He's lived in the same house since I was like 7 or so. We've had so many family parties, gatherings and barbques there. And in the last few years, a few wakes. Anyway, I walked in the door and my mother, aunt and her crew were all there, hovering around my Grandpa. He was incohereant and listless. I found out he was in pain early on in the morning, so the docs gave him morphine to ease his suffering. He was barely concious.
I leaned down and kissed his sweat beaten forehead. He had a strange sound to him. They all piped up and told me it was the "death rattle".....great name for that...thanks whoever thought that one up. Then my aunt starts yelling at him...."dad, Juliet is here".....he wanted to sit up. The whole time I'm crouching next to the couch. He manages to get sat up straight and I got this voice in my head, this is it, Juliet, you better tell him what you came to say. I took his hand in mine and I got in his field of vision, about 2 inches from his nose and I whispered, "Grandpa, Grandpa, we're here, we love you, you can go home now, Grandma is waiting fo r you." He opened his eyes and he focused on me and he smiled. That was the last smile anyone got and it was for me. I know he knew I was there, I know he could hear me, I know he recognized me. I could smell my Grandma, I could feel her and I swear I felt her touch my shoulder as this exchange took place. The rest of the night he laid peacefully, breathing that funny breath and not really moving. We kept him warm, talked about old times and the fun he had in life. We talked about his accomplishments and his passions. We relived last years Thankgiving over and over again. We had taken him up to the mountains, somewhere he truly loved, and had a huge feast in the Sierras. It was his last trip. He slowly slipped away until the next morning when he took his last breath and was gone.
There was a part of me that wanted to celebrate. He gets to see my Grandma after all these years. I wished it was me. I miss her so much. But I know it's not my time yet. I know he saw her way before he actually left us. She occupied a chair the whole time I was there. I could feel her and I could smell her. She was taking him home. I was so glad for that. So glad that he is finally with her. I know he missed her so very much. It had been 18 years since she died, she was still young and it hit our family hard, we weren't the same after that. He never remarried, though he had a companion who loved him dearly and I was glad that he didn't spend the rest of his years alone. He was very easy to love. I was also glad that Grandpa didn't suffer and that he was in no pain. The kind of cancer he had could have left him in severe pain, but something stopped that and I think it had a lot to do with my Grandma. I was so thankful he went without pain and died with his family around him, at home. I look forward to the day when I can see them both again.
I do not fear death. I am not afraid to die. I don't want to feel pain when I go, I'd like to go peacefully and quietly. But I don't fear death. I believe that you see all your friends and relatives that have passed before you, they help you along. I believe that your spirit goes to a beautiful place, you become pain free, you don't have fear, you don't have guilt or stress, you become what you perceive in your life to be at your peak. Some say you become 30 years old again. I don't know about that. I do know that it's a better place then earth. And I look forward to seeing my Grandma, my Grandpa, my step dad; Randy, my uncle Gene and uncle Marshall and my aunt Mern, all of whom I miss so very much. Our lives haven't been the same since they left us here on earth. I miss all of you and please take care of my Grandpa, he's new.
Love and peace,
Juliet Grace
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