Life can throw you for a loop

Just when you think life can really suck, it becomes something you never expected. Being with my family most of the week has grounded me. What has transpired in the last few days has made me realize that this is what it's all about.

I'm trying to get my shit together, pay some bills and buy a house. "now's the time!" my mom tells me. The liar (my lawyer) has sucked me into settling that (YES! it's been 5 years in case anyone was wondering.) lawsuit against Allied Insurance for 46K. Of which there will be payouts and his take, netting me $25K! Not enough. Not enough for the 5 years worth of interest on the old bills, not enough to really do shit with but spend frivolously. My medical bills are $23K. Have to pay those off. Pay off some other stuff.

But one thing weighs on my mind. If the man I'm with is able to handle a house, my kids, his kids, his bills, all that which goes with owning a home? I don't know. He says he is. He says he's ready to make this commitment. But men have told such things to keep me happy. I only find out later that it was bullshit. That they were in it for their gain and my demise. I've run that risk many times. I was taken for everything I had. Everyone knows in this world it takes two incomes to survive. If I'm to go head long into the abyss of home ownership, I want to know he's in it for me. He's in it for us. Not for himself. I want to know he loves me. That he would stand by me in anything. And I too, would stand by him. This is what I want. This is what I seek. Someone to be with me through everything. And will stay with me no matter what happens. Cuz life can throw some crazy shit at you. Sometimes it can make you crazy. But it's all worth it in the end.

The man I'm with makes me really happy. We had a recent bump in the road, but he emerged from it a stand up, honest guy. A true man. They all told me they were "real men". I only found out latter that was a fabrication so very far from the truth. Just for the record:

Real men don't cheat on their woman.
Real men don't lie.
Real men stand by their woman and their convictions.
Real men are the rock in which their loved ones can turn to.

I never dated a "real man" before. He's got a whole lot on his plate when it comes to me. I have a lot of irons in the fire. I hope he's not fabricating his view of his own "real man". Only time will tell if he is or not. I love this man. I want to buy a house with him, I want to pull a life together we can both be happy with for years. I want to grow old on the porch with this man. And he does too. I have to sit back and wait. To see if his convictions are true and if he's true to me and himself. I will always have love for this man, I can feel it. I will always truly adore this man. For him to be my life partner, I have to see what befalls us in the years to come. If it goes that long. I have my doubts. Put there by previous "real men". I do not hold him accountable for their actions, but at the same time I am cautious. I have to protect myself and my family from fakery, deceit and indecision. Thus protecting myself.

Only time will tell how much this love, devotion and fidelity mean to him.

J. Grace.

what can i say

What can I say.......

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
There's no third time.

It takes a long time to build trust and only a moment to break it.

I may seem innocent and naive. I assure you, I am not. I may not react in ways you think I would in certain circumstances. I assure you, I don't. I'm what they call...intuitive. I'm sensitive in many ways. I understand without being told. And your actions are speaking differently from what you are saying.

I'm so disappointed. Too many things have come to light for me in the last few days. When things become so vivid, it's too hard not to call attention to them. Otherwise, things can tend to be blown out of proportions. And when left with no reasonable explanation or given excuse after excuse, my mind can start to make shit up.

Well I'm finding myself makin' shit up. But it's almost too many things to ignore or shove under the rug. I don't think I can deal with another one. I think this will be the last. I'm too old for this high school shit. (See "ever get the feeling someone's lying to your face"). This one is gonna hurt. This one is gonna devastate me for a while. Once again, I got used up trying to be loved unconditionally. We'll see how this plays out. I'm not gonna do anything right now. I'm gonna let the accused become the guilty without lifting a finger. But know this.....it won't be a long wait. Nobody knows what I am capable of. Only I do. But once it's done, it's done for good. There's no coming back from this type of betrayal, if it is true. There are eyes everywhere. And it took a dream to wake me up. I think it's over. I think for all intent and purposes, it's done. I can't save it now. It's gone beyond the point of return. It's so sad it had to go this way. There's really no reason for it then utter greed and selfishness. I should have known.

I guess I did. Being I was reluctant to start it up in the first place given my experience previously. I knew it would go like this. From here on out I vow, NEVER AGAIN THE TWINS. I guess I had to see if it could have worked. But I see now it won't. And not because of lack of enthusiasm on my part. But for the choices made by another.

I will survive. This is another learning experience, I can feel it. I'm just getting closer to the person I want to become. Not what the circumstances or devastation wants me to be. It's out there, somewhere. My bluer waters. My deeper oceans. And my clearer streams. I can feel that too. In the midst of my angst and sorrow. So maybe it's not that bad. I will get through this. I've learned how tough I can be. I've learned how not to remain in a state of remorse and regret. Only to stay pissed off to get what needs to happen, happening.

Wanting forever in your eyes. I fall so easily. Just when I thought this was it. This was the one. I could stop looking. I could fall into it all and I could've been happy, content. Tiss not to be. It had to go there. I knew I was in for a broken heart. I knew I was in for stupid shit. But I listened to your words, your inspirations, your dreams and I took them to mean they were real. This is what you wanted. You words mean shit. I don't want to hear them anymore. Lies. Lies. Lies. It's going to be hard to look at your face. It's going to be hard to hear your voice. I'd rather not because the more you talk the more I want to believe. I wanted to believe. The facts out weigh the belief now. So I can't, you see?

I am not a door mat asshole. And you're just another douche bag in a long long line of douche bags. How do you think they all became douche bags? By pulling this douche baggery on me. I don't deserve this. I gave up a year of my life. About double the time it took me to figure out the others. So you had me fooled. The longer you let me stew, the more pissed off I get. I have a sweet face but inside there is rage. Behind those eyes that look like yours lies an intuitive and extremely sensitive soul. And when provoked or threatened, there is a beast. A smart clever beast that will chew you up and spit out your bones. There will be no excuses and lame lies to hide any facts. Only in your face and up your ass. I am all over this.

JGrace.