What can I say.......

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
There's no third time.

It takes a long time to build trust and only a moment to break it.

I may seem innocent and naive. I assure you, I am not. I may not react in ways you think I would in certain circumstances. I assure you, I don't. I'm what they call...intuitive. I'm sensitive in many ways. I understand without being told. And your actions are speaking differently from what you are saying.

I'm so disappointed. Too many things have come to light for me in the last few days. When things become so vivid, it's too hard not to call attention to them. Otherwise, things can tend to be blown out of proportions. And when left with no reasonable explanation or given excuse after excuse, my mind can start to make shit up.

Well I'm finding myself makin' shit up. But it's almost too many things to ignore or shove under the rug. I don't think I can deal with another one. I think this will be the last. I'm too old for this high school shit. (See "ever get the feeling someone's lying to your face"). This one is gonna hurt. This one is gonna devastate me for a while. Once again, I got used up trying to be loved unconditionally. We'll see how this plays out. I'm not gonna do anything right now. I'm gonna let the accused become the guilty without lifting a finger. But know this.....it won't be a long wait. Nobody knows what I am capable of. Only I do. But once it's done, it's done for good. There's no coming back from this type of betrayal, if it is true. There are eyes everywhere. And it took a dream to wake me up. I think it's over. I think for all intent and purposes, it's done. I can't save it now. It's gone beyond the point of return. It's so sad it had to go this way. There's really no reason for it then utter greed and selfishness. I should have known.

I guess I did. Being I was reluctant to start it up in the first place given my experience previously. I knew it would go like this. From here on out I vow, NEVER AGAIN THE TWINS. I guess I had to see if it could have worked. But I see now it won't. And not because of lack of enthusiasm on my part. But for the choices made by another.

I will survive. This is another learning experience, I can feel it. I'm just getting closer to the person I want to become. Not what the circumstances or devastation wants me to be. It's out there, somewhere. My bluer waters. My deeper oceans. And my clearer streams. I can feel that too. In the midst of my angst and sorrow. So maybe it's not that bad. I will get through this. I've learned how tough I can be. I've learned how not to remain in a state of remorse and regret. Only to stay pissed off to get what needs to happen, happening.

Wanting forever in your eyes. I fall so easily. Just when I thought this was it. This was the one. I could stop looking. I could fall into it all and I could've been happy, content. Tiss not to be. It had to go there. I knew I was in for a broken heart. I knew I was in for stupid shit. But I listened to your words, your inspirations, your dreams and I took them to mean they were real. This is what you wanted. You words mean shit. I don't want to hear them anymore. Lies. Lies. Lies. It's going to be hard to look at your face. It's going to be hard to hear your voice. I'd rather not because the more you talk the more I want to believe. I wanted to believe. The facts out weigh the belief now. So I can't, you see?

I am not a door mat asshole. And you're just another douche bag in a long long line of douche bags. How do you think they all became douche bags? By pulling this douche baggery on me. I don't deserve this. I gave up a year of my life. About double the time it took me to figure out the others. So you had me fooled. The longer you let me stew, the more pissed off I get. I have a sweet face but inside there is rage. Behind those eyes that look like yours lies an intuitive and extremely sensitive soul. And when provoked or threatened, there is a beast. A smart clever beast that will chew you up and spit out your bones. There will be no excuses and lame lies to hide any facts. Only in your face and up your ass. I am all over this.

JGrace.