I'll just make the same mistake again

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I'm a catalist for others to excell

I'm currently in a state of "hurry up and wait". I'm not sure what to do, so I will do nothing for now. Things are going great with my new beau. But I'm not sure if he can handle being a part of my life. I have a son that makes things difficult for me to have lasting relationships. I don't know if my son does what he does on purpose, or if it's a subconscious thing. I know he hasn't been happy. I know he's kinda stuck in a rut. So my new beau decided he needed to go back to the life he had before me. That he needed to get his shit together. I'm okay with that. But I also wonder if that's just an excuse to escape, like a way out that's not so bad. This of course can be my own insecure mind screwing with me. I just gotta wonder. I guess I'm like this spring board. Everyone jumps off to better waters. When do I get to see my "better waters". They all say what a wonderful woman I am, what a catch I am, how they all just love me to pieces. But then they leave. Are all guys in fear of commitments? Or am I just so level headed, down to earth, no bullshit, they can't handle it? Why do all the drama queens get to keep their men around? Is it that exciting to have her hurl an ashtray at your head cuz you called her a bitch? Do they keep these women around to spend all their money without their knowledge and run em' broke? Is that exciting enough? Maybe a restraining order after a night of binge drinking and slapping her around is considered fun and enticing, makes for a lasting relationship. Not for me, thanks. Keep in mind this dating shit is all new to me. I was married to the same guy for 13 years. I only knew one man. Now I know a shit load and I'm befuddled. Just in the last 6 years. I haven't dated a whole lot in my life, so I guess I'm guy illiterate. Do they make a book for dummies on that subject? Houseplants for dummies, cars for dummies, quick book for dummies....why not guys for dummies? I don't like to come off naive. I'm certainly not. I know what I want and I know who I am. I don't make promises, I don't exaggerate or embellish myself. What you see is what you get. I don't keep my mouth shut most of the time. Though over the years I've learned to bite my tongue in certain situations. I'm by far, not stupid. It's all just so new. I'll let him venture off. What's that old saying, "if they're yours, set them free. If they come back it was meant to be". Well there's a few out there that "weren't meant to be" or at least not meant to be, yet. Does that mean they expect me to wait around to see if I'm their meant to be? No. I'm not going to do that. I'll wait for a little while, then I have to be free. If you can't take care of yourself, how can you take care of others? If you don't like yourself, how can you like others? I like myself and I can take care of myself. Maybe they wish to be like me in that aspect. But funny thing is, no one will ever tell me. No one will put their thoughts to voice and tell me. No one has ever conversed with me on that level. I would appreciate it. I wouldn't freak out. Really. I would have more respect for these people if they'd just tell me what they're thinking. Sometimes it's on their faces, alot of times if it's there, visible, they tell me something else. Why? Afraid to hurt my feelings? Am I that delicate? Hell no!

So here I am again. Waiting for the inevitable. The same ol' shit. Too afraid to commit, too afraid to fly, too afraid to stand up and be heard. Why is it someone else's fear puts my life on hold? I am never afraid. I let my life take me where I need to be. I love whole hearted, I live life in full view and I dance like no one is watching. If they can't handle it, maybe I'm just not the one for them. I can't be every one's everything. No one can. Or can they and I just haven't found the one that is my everything. I guess I'm scary in that way. I know what I want, what I need. Am I really that scary? Gawd it sucks to be a hopeless romantic. And this one is gonna suck when it all goes down. I hope he finds what he needs. I hope he finds he can handle what life throws at him. Cuz I really think he can. Maybe not with me, but then again, maybe. Just show me!

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3 Months is a long time

I guess all it takes is a few months for your life to be totally different from what you thought would be the tell all, be all end of everything you know to be your life. 3 months ago I was broken hearted, lost and sad. I felt I had made a connection with someone, someone who couldn't reciprocate his feelings. They were there, we both felt it. There was no denying it for either of us. Alas, he had to return to his life before. With my heart in my hand, I began to heal. Though I miss his personality and his sparkle, I know this wasn't his choice and I came to terms with all of my emotions. Now stronger and able to move on. I realized he opened me up for someone else. He showed me I was capable of attracting a beautiful heart and a solid minded man. I will never forget him. But I would like to thank him someday.

I have met a man that is so close to me, so in tune with me, I had no idea it could be like this. It's more then I've ever experienced before. He can see on my face something bothering me. He pays attention, he's loving and he has a beautiful soul. I can't wait to see him everyday. I can't wait to kiss him everyday. He makes my heart light and my soul complete. We have so much in common. Spooky stuff. I hope it never ends. When we're together, we don't want to be apart. When we're together, we look into each other's eyes just to look. We don't say anything most of the time, but we'll sit there and stare at each other. He amazes me in the things he does. He's so beautiful and brilliant, I almost think this is a dream. Only a few months ago, I was in despair. He was like a light. We both say we're lucky to have the other one. I could see myself married to him for many years to come. Happily married. EWWW! Did I say that out loud? GAWD! But we both feel like we've known each other for longer then 2 months. Like we've known each other forever. I feel loved and wanted and adored. I feel like this is so real, so right. We talk for hours about nothing. I'm in love with this man. Thank you my shy Texas guitarist. I will always think about you. Peace be with you as it is with me.

J Grace

Just Living the Dream, Baby.

So it's Sunday. A day of rest, household chores and internet surfing. I was in a blistful slumber when all of a sudden I hear the piercing whine of a chain saw very close. I look at the clock and it's 8:30! FUCKING ASSHOLE! Aren't Sundays meant for rest and relaxation? Not to mention how RUDE this is to subject all of his neighbors to this high pitched, squeeling buzzing noise for probably most of the day. But to start at 8:30 in the morning? On a Sunday? Clearly this fellow is an asshole and only thinks of himself. Isn't there some sort of law governing what time of day is appropriate to start makin' noise? Shouldn't I be allowed outside silence or effort there of, till 10am on the weekends? I mean really. Maybe I'm just pissy. Espically since I was so rudely woken up, I think I have a valid reason to be just a little pissy. People, be kind to your neighbors. Cuz this just sucks. And ya, he's still at it. At one point, earlier, I could clearly hear him say...."whadda ya think?" And I loudly proclaimed; "I think you shoulda started at NOON!". Asshole!

J. Grace

And it's Harder as Anything Else

Just sitting there, bored out of my skull. You came to play. I took one look and had to look away. I couldn't look at you. Your light blinded me. I was so mesmerized by that light, pure curiosity. You began to play that guitar. Your eyes closed and your head fell back. I saw something I'll never forget. Please don't play that song again. I'll cry. I'll cry so hard my eyes will hurt. Don't even start to strum that guitar in those chords. Because i know that song isn't for me, but when you play it..your voice, your face shows what that song means to you. I held back my tears just watching you sing. I didn't even know you and I saw this emerge. This is a man with soul and your soul speaks to me. Your heart is on your sleeve when you play that song. Don't play that song. I've not known you too long. Don't look at me with your blue eyes. That song, that damn song. You had me with that song. The moment I laid eyes on you. You had me when you sang that song. My heart stopped. My soul ached. I've known this ache before. It's harder as anything else. I watched, heart pounding, soul screaming. I put on my best poker face. I didn't want to look like a groupie. You looked at me with those baby blue eyes. My heart stopped again. I wanted to touch your face, kiss your lips, instantly. You made me laugh so much my cheeks hurt. So smart, so beautiful, soulful man. None the likes I've seen. I had to get closer to you, Just talk to you at first, and see if what i was hearing, could be. I couldn't help myself. You came to visit, you wanted to stay. Were you here for me? I don't know. Were you made for me? I don't know that either. It's harder as anything else. I just wanted to talk to you a little. I got my wish. We talked so long. You blew me away. I knew you would. I sat and listened to your voice and heard your words. I never wanted it to end. I wasn't looking for anything, I wasn't expecting this. Just talk to me baby. Long into the night. Till the morning came. You did more then that. Feelings stirred that have been dormant for years. Never laughed so hard in my life.
I could do this for the rest of my life. And not even feel the years go by.
Yes, baby......I could do this for the next 30 years with you.
Your hand on my skin was so warm. Your hand caressing my skin awakened every nerve. My heart would stop with just your touch. I'd hold my breath. I could rest my head on your chest forever. I wanted to heal your wounds and protect you. That face, those eyes, all that blond hair. Just sing to me baby. I could run my hands over your body forever. I could run my fingers through all that hair, soft blond hair. I could kiss those lips forever. I can feel you from far away. I'd rather feel you close by. I have to wait. I have to see. Were you really here for me? Not intentionally. But accidentally. So very briefly. You touched me baby. I left your arm there. I felt I was protected, instantly at ease. I still don't know why we slept that way. I so wanted to curl up next to you. But that song, that damn song. Touched me so far down, though I've not known you long, I'm not sure how you did it. I don't fall that fast, I'm guarded and cautious. You went right though me. Past all my defenses. I'm blown away. Floored. It's harder as anything else. Showed me a glimpse. Timing's off, things need to be done first. Things need to be in order. I knew this going into it. You have much to do. If this is a possibility, things need to be in order. Was that for me? I dunno. Don't do this on my account. Do what you need to do then see how your heart feels. Just talk to me baby. It's hard as anything else. Before you left, I held back my tears. You'd look at my eyes and I'd have to turn away. Showin' you that poker face and not the tears welling up behind my eyes. I'll wait but not forever. I can't. I'll never forget you and I'll always wonder what could have been. Come back to me baby and we'll pick up where we left off. Like a continuum. If it's meant to be, you'll return. Things seem emptier now. Take care of yourself baby. Someone missed you before you even left the driveway. Someone was crying before you ever left. Hard to hide my tears and the sadness at the chance I'll never lay eyes on you again. I may never get another chance. That's the hardest part. But I understand. It has to be. It's harder as anything else to let you go and keep my poker face.....and if you never return, I'll miss you always. Until our paths cross again love. I'll miss you terribly. I'll miss your kiss, I'll miss your touch, I'll miss your caress, I'll miss your beautiful blue eyes and your laugh. I miss you already. Seems like you took part of me with you. And not just my suitcase. This is so much harder as anything else. I'll think about you and all the good times we had together. That last night, going through the crowd. I reached for your hand cuz I didn't want you to get lost without me. I liked holding your hand. It was all so quick. So very brief, such a short time together. I'll think about that last night. . You started to strum that chord on that guitar. My eyes instantly welled up. I had to fight them back. I don't know if you saw it, but you stopped playing that damn song. Thank you....really. I didn't want to cry. It was that song. You touched me so far down with that song that night. The world doesn't see that part of me. But you touched me like it was yours alone, effortlessly. Like you'd been there all along. How did you do that? I hope you think of me. I watched you play and I had to touch you, play with your ears, sit closer to you....and just listen to you sing. You were leaning in to me baby. You felt so good that last night. I was thrashed and I loved every minute of it. The timing was right for that. At last. We fit so well, felt so good, makes me ache now. What I would give to feel you now. I got real close and you got inside. With just one look, one song. Gawd that song. I loved that song. Just talk to me baby. Just sing to me baby. I'm not going anywhere.
Goodbye for now, love.

J. Grace



Modest Mouse "Baby Blue Sedan"

Selzer/Sierra Sunset Experience

The following was taken directly from Selzer Realty's Property Management web site:

Property Management

RENTING? LEASING? If you want to rent a personal residence, lease commercial office space, or hire a property manager for your rental property, Selzer Realty offers a full-service property management department. Our full-time manager works with a large, professional staff, managing and maintaining a wide variety of rental properties. They will be happy to show you what is available or discuss the management of your property.

*Tenant Screening
*24 Hour Emergency Service
*Rental Collections
*Knowledge of Rental Trends
*Evictions
*Development & Placement of Vacancy Advertising
*Automated Payments of All expenses including Taxes, Insurance and Loan Payments
*Volume Discounts with Local Suppliers
*Licensed Contractors or Full Service Maintenance Crews covered by Worker's Compensation
*Regular Property Inspections
*Property Management Office

Visit Selzer @ http://www.realtyworldselzer.com/default

They forgot to add a few things to this list....

*Ignore all "acquired" tenants regardless of their stated income, except for when rent is due. (3x's the rent with SPOTLESS credit! Medical leans count in their book! All this for some piece of shit apartment! Am I buying or renting here????)
*Lagging on all repairs (Over a year to replace a 20 year old dishwasher!)
*We will keep most if not all of your tenant's deposits! (Regardless of how the place looked upon new tenancy.) And take up to 4 months to return deposits.
*Astronomical hourly wages ($25.00 an Hr.) given to repair men after you terminate vacancy, but repair men are paid $12.00 an hour while their fixing your apartment. Thus SAVING money and putting repair men's wages on vacating tenants.

*Repair Management "pads" hours, services rendered and condition of property on all service receipts. Again saving you, the owners money and putting needed upgrade/repairs on vacating tenants.
*Repair men will damage apartments, then nail tenants with repair costs later. Saving even more money to get your crappy apartment restored so you can charge more rent on the new tenants!

Thus was my experience at Sierra Sunset Apartments.

FUCK YOU SELZER REALTY!

I never have to deal with you again!

J. Grace

Moms get the SHAFT, MAN.

My son has turned 18. Forget the fact I feel so flippin' old, I should be using geritol and wearing depends; but now I have an 18 year old living in my house. And he doesn't just live here, he LIVES here. All around my house is little bits of him everywhere. BE it a wrapper, his dirty rolled up sock, or his dishes, you know he's been here! He knows he's leaving his mark all over my house, he encourages his friends to do the same. And it's a constant barrage of strange teenagers and their tiny, little, pale girlfriends. All decked out in their ear gear, chain mail and ties. This marauding bunch is into "Guitar Hero" on the Playstation 2 and "butt sex". They like screaming loudly for no apparent reason, because it's "fun". Putting their balls on their buddy's forehead and posting it on myspace. Good Lord! What the hell happened here?!?!?! It's like they try to gross each other out the worst. What are we 5?

I came to a realization. Kick out my son, there goes the wanna be derelicts. It's not like he is a joy to live with. Is it bad to want to kick his lazy, manipulative smart ass out of the house? Since he knows EVERYTHING let him go out and take care of himself. He can get a job, an apartment. Hell he can get a damn car now and not take the test! He says he can just walk into the DMV and they just hand him over a license to drive. Boy, he's in for a surprise. Hell he can write his own excuses to the school if he misses any classes. What the hell does he need me for? Oh yeah! I pay for his Internet and his fridge full of food. He says school sucks. Sucks so bad he repeated the 8th grade and now he's got another year. Shit! I wish he'd take the GED and get it over with. He says he can pass that test easy....piece of cake. DO IT!!!! I'm so ready for this kid to get a taste of adult life. He's in for a big shock. Someday he's going to realize that mom was right. I did. You did. All of us did and will. It's part of growing up and becoming an adult. He's been touting his own horn for years, time to put up or shut up oh lovely offspring. Course I'm to blame for it all if it goes bad.

Moms get the shaft man...I told him he was smart, and he is so brilliant. But he's LAZY. And he wants things easy, handed to him based on his word. He has nothing to back it up. Not enough life under him. So unmotivated, so unwilling to work for things. I never taught my kids to be lazy. I taught them you have to work at things to get what you want in life. I don't understand why he's so stubborn. And he blames me for being the way he is. At some point don't kids have a mind of their own? When does it become his fault? Now that's he's officially an adult? Who made up this rule? I didn't choose for him not to do his 8th grade homework, thus failing and being held back. Why would I wish that upon him? He can be anything he puts his mind to. I just wish he'd put his mind to something, anything, before it's too late. I don't want him to be living with mom when he's 30! Straight kill me! I love my son, don't get me wrong, but he's a big mouth, opinionated, manipulating asshole. At some point his personality and mine became like oil and water. And now that he's an adult, I see light at the end of the tunnel. Just let him survive his adulthood cuz it was tough surviving his childhood. And that's just me and his sister. We survived his childhood. He can be whatever he wants to be, and he'll be good at it. I just hope he picks something good, not illegal, immoral....cuz he'd be good at that too.


J.Grace

Music Video:

Too Shy To Speak

So there I am, having sushi with a friend on Friday night....and in walks this tall, dark, gleaming smile, absolutely gorgeous guy. He had this glow about him....almost amber in color and a sparkle in his eyes. I tried so hard not to look at him. I was instantly sucked in, I couldn't help it. (secretly I wanted to take his picture and keep that moment for myself.) Out of respect for the person I was with, unlike most dildos here in Ukiah, I kept my eyes forward. (I have excellent preriferial vision. This comes in handy a whole lot. You'll see why in a minute. Must be the "mommy training".) He starts talking to the chef, ribbing him a little and the chef seems to know him. Must be a regular patron, I thought. He had called in an order to go. Looked like 3 orders of Cali rolls...mmm. He's in front of the register, paying for his order, chatting with the chef, and he looks over at me, like right into my eyes. He held that gaze with me for it seemed like a long time, then he starts diggin in his pockets for money, even says something to my friend, and looks up at me again, holding my gaze. (WHAT THE HELL???) They shared a little laugh and I flashed a smirk at him. Again, diverting my eyes so as not to look like a school girl gazing at the object of her crush! Gawd! I'm such a dork! He was still looking at me, like he was gonna say something to me, I could see it out of the corner of my right eye. Then he says, "10 more minutes? Okay, I'll wait." He walks behind me and my friend to sit at the sushi bar. He's leaning over so as not to hit the decorations draped down from the over hang in the ceiling. He says to the chef, "you don't decorate for tall people, here huh?" Ribbing the chef. Their laughing as he takes two steps and leans way too far over me, takes in a deep breath and sits down in the empty seat one over from me. He's still looking at me! (WHAT THE HELL???) Leaning over the bar so much as to be in my "personal space" as he's adjusting his coat. He coulda leaned the other way, there were two empty seats next to him. (This happens a lot to me, people like to get into my "personal space bubble"....I'm not sure why this has been happening. And it only started happening since I moved up here.) He finally looks at the chef and starts ribbing him some more. Their going back and forth, free lunch this, taco bell that. It was amusing and I was in awe at how friendly this guy was and quick too. The chef is all backed up on orders, so the chef's wife asked him if he'd like a soporo, beer. They carry on some more, chit-chatting. She was pouring the beer for him and again, he looked directly at me as if he was going to say something. Again, I diverted my gaze to my sushi being made. (Which was directly in front of him.) He kept staring at me. I'm really a shy person with an outgoing brain, I just can't make my lips move to speak. Like stage fright. I have a tendency to put my foot in my mouth or sound like a retard. But I could feel his eyes on me, I could see his gaze through the corner of my left eye. I didn't say anything and neither did he. He took in a breath like he was going to say something to me. I kept staring straight ahead. He let it out in a quiet sigh. (This is how close to him I was.) Some more chatting ensued while he drank his beer. He kept putting it down and looking at me, then he'd look back at the chef. He did this for about 10 minutes. It was like he wanted to say something to me but didn't. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it was a little on the weird side. I had to stay cool, I didn't want to offend my friend. His order was ready, he finished off the rest of his beer, stood up and leaned over me again, walking toward the register. The chef's wife put his stuff in a bag and handed it to him. He gazed at me again, turning on his heals and was headed toward the door. I heard the door open and it took a long time to shut. It was a heavy door and closed easily. I got the feeling he paused at the door and looked back at me. I could feel his gaze at the back of my neck. Then he was gone.

WHAT THE HELL???? Why does this keep happening to me? Really? Anybody else have these "feelings"? Or should I be calling the psyche ward? Is it we as humans don't act on our gut instincts? Our feelings? I wonder if I'll see this guy again, somewhere. I would have liked to talk to him. I guess I have this radar that's constantly going. It picks up on certain people. Maybe it was that he was very personable, funny and outgoing, and really I'm drawn to those types of people. Usually the attraction isn't reciprocated. Sometimes certain people ricochet off me and I off them. I'm not sure why this is. Sometimes, there's nothing and I chalk it up to they have attractive features that I see, the photographer mind kicks in and that's the end of it. Then there are these other people. Sure, they're attractive. But usually at the beginning, my pessimistic mind takes over and I'm too fat, too ugly, not as popular as this person clearly is, so I don't put any more thought into them. It kinda ends there. Only this one, he was different. He reciprocated, almost like I could hear his thoughts in his head, but not really. Intuition? Maybe. I'd let it go by now but this encounter seems to keep creeping into my head over and over again. I had thoughts of going back to the sushi bar and giving the chef my card and asking him to give it to this beautiful stranger so I could take his picture. You know I won't. Hell I was too shy to even speak! There's no way I'd walk in there and do this. But you never know. If I get the chance again, I'll speak up. Hopefully. Gawd! I'm such a dork!!!!

Just not meant to be

Okay, I knew it had be too good to be true. I just don't get it. Why do guys feel they need to impress me with money and pretending to be who they're not. I just don't get it. I'm an honest and up front type of person. I don't have any money either, it's cool....I'm happy. Money comes and Money goes....mostly goes....But since I started this newly found single life, I keep running across these candidates for Prozac poster children. What the hell? The latest one, he went the way of fabricating a much brighter life only to have me discover he was full of shit! My mistake. I take people at their word. Sorry it's old school I know but damn, am I that gullible? Lie after lie, and I believe most of it was made up on the spot. I actually believed his shit! I'm not perfect, I don't' expect anyone else to be. People when you're life is nothing but drama, figure out why you are causing your drama, YOU ARE THE CAUSE OF YOUR OWN DRAMA. Don't put it on someone else to solve your drama. That's not fair. And if you're sick, get help, seek help....don't live in denial. Common'...it's in your face how can you pretend it's not there? It's blatantly obvious, why deny it? I'm tired. I don't need teenage drama and flat out denial. I'm too old for this crap. It's not working! You're not fooling anyone. Put it away Suzi.

I'm sad about this last one. He was very sweet to me. I had an early sign. I knew we had no chemistry after when we went to the coast and there was no TV at the B&B! OH my GAWD the horror! (I can seriously live without tv. DSL hookup? Kill me first before dial up!) But he couldn't. I really liked this one. I knew this trip would be the tell all be all relationship breaker. Yep, I was right, we couldn't hold a conversation to save our lives. We were doomed. Cuz ya know, when the sex is gone, all you got left is conversation. And really I just like to be held. Then after that purely obvious flaw in this match, the lies started to fly.

I was dumbfounded at first....going "what the hell????" I laid back and watched. See how far he'd take it. He took it way far. So far out there that I no longer believe anything that comes out of his mouth. We're talking pathological liar here. Or in desperate need of some psyche drugs. Something, cuz that boy just ain't right. Definitely not a life partner. By any means.

Then the annoying habits started to come into play. 15 phone calls to my cell and home phone in just under 2 hours. Leaving a message every time. Saying stuff like "I'm going to bed" in a panic stricken voice, 6 times in a row....! Or the beat puppy dog voice when I don't pick up my cell phone after the 6th call in 10 minutes. Maybe it's me. I don't have the urge to call my significant other multiple times a day to listen to them breathe in the phone. Let me just give you an example of the kind of drama I've been putting up with for the last 6 months....

It started out....Hey baby what do you REALLY want for Christmas? A Nikkon D80 camera. But it's too expensive to ask for, but I'm buying it in Feb. It's too much for someone to spend on me.

For weeks after that, he kept saying, "you're gonna love your present". "it's your dream camera"...."I paid for all of it at the camera store in town". "you can pick it up in a week, they were out of them".
One week later: "oh, there's something wrong with the lens, has to be sent back, another week".
One week later on that Friday: "my credit card didn't go through". "I'll have my boss send a check to the camera store via Fed Ex".
That Saturday: "Fed Ex picked up the check, but nobody knows where it went after that". (I had a photo gig to do that night, I was sweatin it big time.) "We're sending a courier out to pick up another check and deliver it to the camera store by 4 o'clock today".

4 O'clock: Camera store owner calls me and says, "We have to wait for the check to clear, you can come pick it up in 5 working days". (Luckily, I'm a resourceful girl and pulled off that gig without a hitch.)
That following Friday": "Do me a big favor, go pick up your camera". Not 15 minutes went by and the owner called me up and said they had a letter from the bank saying they cancelled the check. Must be a mistake, right? I found out later that this check from his boss was cancelled on purpose because they were bankrupt and had no money to cover it. Interesting.

Then for a few days I heard nothing of the camera. Until we were on a little trip he insisted on taking to the coast. "oh your birthday/Christmas present is under the back seat of my truck."

We get down to the bay area and he disappears for a few hours. I found out later that he had gone to another camera shop and bought it Christmas eve. He hands the bag to my mom and asks her to wrap it. Then he insists on making me open it in front of my whole family who was attending the traditional dinner. We always open our gifts from immediate family after the cousins and aunts all leave. Cuz we don't wanna make people feel left out or bad....cuz it's just a frenzy. Anyway, he makes me open it in front of everyone, and as I pull out the box, there is stunned silence. It's a camera alright, a camera that was not what I wanted and it had no lenses. I couldn't even use it. I went over to him and kissed his cheek and told him thank you while my family looked on in disbelief. They all knew what it was supposed to be, including me, cuz he couldn't keep his mouth shut and he's quite the bragger. Then later he tells me that I can take it back and get the one I want because they didn't have any more D80s in stock. He said he paid for all the lenses and a kit, I just have to return it up where I live later on. Okay, I can do that.
Where's the receipt? "oh, I left it in my friend's truck. He's gonna send it up to you Fex Ex." By this time we had gone home, 3 hours north of where he bought it.
I won't even get into the drama that ensued during that few days. He ended up being driven by this friend back down south, the friend brought the receipt up with him when he picked him up. When I got the receipt, I noticed it's much lower then the price of the camera I wanted. ( I had been pricing these for a year, I knew how much it was.) Like 2/3 less. "just have the sales guy pull up the receipt number and it will show all the stuff I bought at the other store."

So the following Saturday I take an hour long car ride down to return the camera and do like he said to do. I walked out of that store not even being able to return it cuz the check hadn't gone through yet!
At that point, I was done. I packed up all that was givin to me and sent it back down to him. I told him to keep his money, I was getting the damn thing in Feb anyway. "Just get your money back".

I then broke up with him. It wasn't just because of the camera drama, there was much much more in between that I just can't bore you with. Including, but not limited to several blows to the head, two trips to the ER and many panic attacks. Blood where it shouldn't be and then hidden in plain sight. Kids not spoken of and an army career that never existed. Not to mention the white elephant of a house and a Harley that he pretended didn't exist and thus abandoned. I'd had it. The denial was too large for me to tackle. Bold faced, flat out lies. I was done. I was so overwhelmed with his problems that mine ceased to exist. Though tiny in comparison, let me tell ya, they had all been pushed aside to deal with his. I woke up and decided that was enough.

But the camera just won't go away. Today I received, via Fed Ex, a package from him. It is a Nikkon Cool Pix digital camera and Epson printer. Very nice indeed, but still not a Nikkon D80. I'll keep it because he went through all this drama, self inflicted drama, to buy me a camera. I'll always think of him when I use it. I did really like him. He just blew it by pretending to be something he wasn't. And there is so much more, so much more I could say, but I cared for the guy and I'm not going to air all of his flaws on the web.

It just wasn't meant to be. SaLaVie.

J. Grace

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Always

Always There Are the Horses

I ride because I rode as a child when life was simpler and somehow more complete. Only the whiff of a clean horse is needed to remind me of days gone by. For always there have been the horses.

I ride because of all the great horse souls who have shared their lives with me and taught me more than I can say. Their names and faces flash before me as old friends. I ride because of all the horses I shall never ride. Those I have watched and marveled at from afar for all their grace and beauty. This is the stuff of a child's dream, the kind that doesn't die with time.

Always there are the horses.

I ride because the seasons call to me. Each unique in its appeal and all quite frequently best viewed from the back of a favorite horse. I ride because of all things, horses are my passion. They inspire and encourage, energize,

and challenge in ways I cannot explain to theun-initiated.

I ride because of the rush of stretching one's self just a bit farther today than before both mind and body.

Always there are the horses.

I ride because of those briefest of spans when the partnership comes to full promise. When the path twists and barriers fall,

each footfall is measured and balanced between the two as a dance.

There are no others...only this moment and this single step to ride.

The memories of those times stand vivid in my mind to be recalled with all the freshness of the day at will and in times less grand.

But if I must choose, I ride because I have dreams yet to live. I ride because I have dreams yet to have and what exactly they will be tomorrow I cannot say...but always there will be the horses.

- Author M. Adelia Ramey

N. Carolina

Photos by....WWW.GoofieGracie.com

Accidents, Strangers, Lawyers and Greedy People

So.....this is going to be a rant. I'm just gonna tell it how it is, without exaggeration, wishfull thinking or attempting to piss anybody off. Much.....Hopefully.

My daughter and I were in a car accident in Dec. 2003. I had a gorgeous maroon 2002 Chevy Silverado. I loved that truck. I took really good care of that damn thing and I worked really hard to get it too. Then one miserable December day in a little town called Lakeport, we're cruisin' along Hwy 29 when I get a look at a white Exterra sitting in the middle of the Hwy, with it's blinker on, turning left from the Southbound side of the Hwy. I'm thinking, "is this person really going to turn left there"? Sure enough, as I got closer my eyes were not deceiving me. Then I noticed a Brown Bronco II type mini SUV slamming on it's breaks, water flying up over the sides of the (now much lower) front end and it was about to slam into the back end of the Exterra. I'll never forget that poppin sound as the Bronco slammed into the rear end of the Exterra. I'm looking to my left and I'm prayin in my head, "I escaped it....". No....another poppin sound. I remember her eyes just before she hit. Only this time it was on the left side of my truck, pushing me sideways. We banged back and fourth against the door and then the console on the seat. My daughter was sleeping in the back seat up against the back passenger door of the truck, where this Exterra just hit. It started sliding down the side of my truck, pushing us to the right. I can't control the truck. Just then, the Exterra caught on the back bumper and we began to spin toward the left. Instinctively I began to steer with all of my strength in the direction of the spin. I think we spun at least 3 times. I remember saying "no, no, no" in my head over and over again. I remember thinking "Oh Hannah, be okay, be okay." All I could think about was her, sitting in that back seat, so quiet. I believe she was knocked out for most of this. I tried to steer the truck, pumping the breaks as hard as I could. I remember seeing the horizon pass in front of me several times. We began to slow down only to be facing the wrong direction and sliding backwards. The rear end of the truck dipped down and the front left tire came off the ground. I watched the world begin to turn on it's axes and we came to rest on the roof of the truck. I was disoriented and concerned for Hannah. I said, "Are you okay, Hannah?" And this little voice like a song, came over the back of the seat, "I'm okay mommie". I undid my seat belt and fell to the roof. I spun around to see my daughter. I told her to undo her seat belt but to put her hands up so as not to crash into the roof. She did and all I heard was a thud. I asked her if she was okay. "yes mommie". I spun around and tried to open the driver's door. I couldn't. I spun around again to try the passenger side, I wanted us out of that truck. Nothing. I began to notice feet running towards us. Somebody from outside the truck opened the door and reached in to pull me out. I felt hands grab my arms and pull, I landed in the mud outside of the truck. And without a beat, the same person pulled my daughter out of the truck and into my arms. Thank you who ever you are. Hannah looked at the truck and said, "mommie look at your truck." All I could do was hold on to her. I kept thinking we could have died. I could have lost my lovie. We must have sat in that mud for a long time. I saw people coming towards us, CHP officers and 2 ambulances. I began to notice people pouring out of the Rainbow Ag store and gathering near the fence that ran along the Highway. An older lady motioned for me to come over to her. I took Hannah over and she said she'd watch Hannah. Some of the people there lifted Hannah over the fence and she asked me to get her bear from the truck. I told her I would. I walked over to the truck and an officer that was standing there. He began to ask me in a stern voice, "can I have your license and registration?" I said I would get it when I retrieved Hannah's bear. I searched that truck for a long time. I looked over at Hannah and she was pale white, the older lady holding her hand and her umbrella over Hannah. I was done. I found Hannah's bear, our jackets and backpacks. I found my purse and my license. I really wanted to find my cigs. Really needed a cig! But everything was all over the place. I couldn't find my registration because I kept it in the console and it was flipped open. I walked the bear and our stuff over to Hannah and the older lady. I thanked her. The cop called after me, a little pissed, "did you find your registration?" I told him I looked, it's in there but if he wanted it so damn bad to be my guest and get his fat doughnut ass in there and look for it. I was going with my daughter. The crowd that gathered walked us over to an over hang on the Rainbow Ag store, the older lady offered me some smokes and there we sat for what seemed to be hours. I had called my dad and he sent my brothers out to get us. (Just a funny side note here. When I called my dad, I had noticed there was a missed call from him. He called sometime during the accident! Spooky!) An EMT came over from the wreckage of the Exterra and asked us if (like an after thought.) we wanted to go to the ER. I declined. I just wanted to go home and get Hannah home. We were there for so long after that I watched them load my crushed truck onto a flat bed and drive away. We then endured a long ride home and every bump made us feel sick. Three days later we went to the ER.

Thus began our downward spiral into a medical nightmare. As we sat in the ER being poked and prodded, we were told we both had multiple contusions, severe whiplash injuries, concussed and I had kidney damage. We were xrayed, tested and sent home. I was out of commission for 4 months. I couldn't work, I couldn't sleep and every pang of pain my daughter had sent me on a whirl wind of emotions. We could have died. She was nervous in a car, I was nervous driving one. Then they put me on disability immediately.

I went and got a lawyer. I knew I'd needed one. I later fired this lawyer due to lack of enthusiasm and pure frustration. Nothing was going to happen and I had never even met this guy face to face. Sight unseen, I fired his ass.

I kept in touch with my employer Mendocino Brewing Company the whole time they kept me out of work, because I was a new hire and wanted to return to my job. When I returned to work 4 months later some other guy was doing my job. My hours were reduced to 12 hours a week. No one told me. No one cared enough to tell me. I was devastated. There was nothing I could do about it either. I was 76 days into a 90 day probation period. I was fucked. Two weeks away from becoming a permanent employee and this happens. Makes you wonder about how loyal they are to their employees.

I started going to a chiropractor. Thank gawd for small favors. We met a wonderful couple, Dr. Tipton and Lorna, my chiropractor who saw my daughter and I pro bono. He knew he'd have to wait to get paid on this one and was very accommodating to us. I credit Dr. Tipton for keeping me upright. Thank you for your patience and understanding. We started going 3 times a week. It was a relief to have such wonderful people to help us through this. Thank you guys and good luck on the recent retirement and a much deserved travel plans.

We also started a regiment at Meadows Physical Therapy that was such a great source of inspiration and advice, that I wish I could still go back to. Thank you Herman Meadows, you're doing a wonderful thing for this community. It was hard and painful, but it helped me in the long run.

Now my attention was turned to my new lawyer. He was telling me that the lady that hit me won't come forth with a demand, her injuries or even a lawyer. She was basically ignoring our letters. And that the girl that was in the truck with her was her x boyfriends' daughter and that the parents are fighting over who gets the little girl's money from the accident. He also told me that she went back to work at Safeway 2 weeks after the accident and in those 2 weeks, went and bought a new Exterra to replace her totaled one. Well fuck me! So it became a hurry up and wait type of thing. Very frustrating. All this at the same time the Bronco II driver who caused the accident admitted fault and his insurance policy was only $30K. OH GREAT! Every time I go into that Safeway, I see her. I wonder if she ever wonders "who's this chick staring at me"??? She'll find out soon enough. Daggers baby, daggers coming out of my eyes.

We began to see Dr. Wirth. He is a family practitioner that my dad had been seeing for years. We went and were checked out several times. He was told upfront that this was a motor vehicle accident and he agreed to continue to see us in lieu of payment. He found it necessary to request an MRI on Hannah's head as she was still not her normally bubbly self. She was tired and slow and I was freaked out. I felt the same but I didn't care. This was my little girl. My mind set was to take care of her first. We got the okay from my x husband's insurance company and scheduled the procedure. And yes! Hannah has a brain in there! My son and I were so excited. I told him he could never call his sister brainless again. Cuz I saw it, there's one in there. And get this! I'm still getting a $3500.00 bill from that MRI that was "preapproved". Figure that one out! Then it was my turn. He wanted an MRI done on my lower back. I had symptoms of serious damage, neurological damage to my left side and lower back. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to me, the med pay on my insurance policy ran out long ago. Thus ended our relationship with Dr. Wirth and our proper medical care. I never got that MRI and my chiropractor really would like to see one to this day. And before you ask, he can't request one because it has to be through a "medical" doctor. Oh yes! Yet another catch 22 loop hole!

As for that "med pay", I had no idea that my insurance policy from Allied Insurance Companyonly had $1000.00 each person in the vehicle med pay coverage. I had no idea what that term meant, what it did for me and what it was for. It was glossed over in conversation with the representative when I took out the policy a mere two weeks earlier. She was more interested in me dating her 40 year old son!

At this point I was bombarded with nasty phone calls, a stack of over due bills and mounting bad debit. Redwood Regional Medical Group Ukiah Valley Medical Group Credit Bureau of Ukiah Inc, all were just horrible. One woman at the "Bureau" brought me to tears, like it was my fault that lady crashed into me. There were many more that I can't think of now. It was like I was a total dead beat. Like I had this stash of cash that I refused to give to them just to be a total bitch. I had to have my lawyer call them off of me. They were like crazed dogs. They were told repeatedly that this was a motor vehicle accident and they would get paid when I got paid. My credit rating was plummeting every day. They called my work, they called my house, my cell phone, it was crazy. I couldn't pay my rent and my mom bailed me out on numerous occasions. She bought a truck for me on the promise I would pay her when my settlement was finished. We were thinking maybe a year.....wishful thinking, I tell ya what. Then my dickhead of a property manager, whom was being paid, decided to sell the house to a friend of his. I had to uproot my two kids, who lived in the house for over 2 years, had their own rooms and move in 30 days. We moved to this tiny little 2 bedroom apartment, in the same neighborhood in the hopes we would be out of there soon. I crammed a 3 bedroom house with a 2 car garage into a 2 bedroom apartment. I was hopeful I would rebound on the job front and make a little bit more money then unemployment and disability could afford me. We're still here. Almost 3 years later. And this pile of paper bills is getting bigger and bigger. I'm afraid to stick my neck out on a bigger rent bill. It could be worse. At least we have a pool. Shit!

So here we are....almost 3 years later. My liar, sorry LAWYER calls me and tells me that she's obtained a lawyer right before the statute of limitations ran out. OH yeah! so? What? Let me guess; hurry up and wait some more. No! He says. We're going to mediation in Oct. He's trying to get them to settle. He's not budging on exactly half of the guy's policy for just me and maybe split the remaining with Hannah. Either way, it's coming to an end and we will get the bigger half of the policy. And you must be thinking...."all this for $15K? Oh no....this is just the beginning. I had a "under insured motorist" policy. We have to finish this policy out before I can have that payout on my policy. I've waited this long, I think I can wait a little longer. Oh and get this! He goes on to tell me that her medical bills are only $3K!!!! The kid's dad, the X boyfriend, never showed his face, they've been dropped from the suit. Hummm....Karma? Maybe.

And all this time it takes me a good half hour to warm up my muscles when I get out of bed in the morning. I'm stiff, I can't sit in one place for long periods of time; I can't ride horses anymore, (This especially breaks my heart. I've been an avid horse nut since I was 3 years old. It makes me cry to think about it.); I can't ride motorcycles, jet skis and all this pain I feel in my neck, my lower back, my hip and all that radiates into my legs is now permanent. I feel a constant ache and at times it cramps and I use a large ice pack to unlock those muscles. I never had to do this before in my life. I never felt this until after this accident. My left hand gives out on me due to the neurological damage I experienced and my left hip gives out if I put too much weight on it for long periods of time. I've reached the 2 year mark that tells you if the damage is permanent. Guess what, this is it. This is what I will be for the rest of my life. And I've been told it could develop into arthritis and really screw up my golden years. Oh yes, bend me over some more! I so don't need that vasaline! And my daughter? I got real lucky. She seems to be okay with a recurring neck cramping and headaches, I think she'll be fine. Thank GAWD!

Just think! All this damage, delay and heart break for a measly $3000.00! I hope you choke on it you Safeway working, Exterra driving dumb shit. If you had only gone ONE FUCKING BLOCK SOUTH TO THE FOUR WAY SIGNALED INTERSECTION, I wouldn't be in this mess!

And just for the record, I think you caused the accident! But I will be laughing LAST. So blow me! Greedy BEEEOTCH! So stick that $3000.00 up your ass!

J Grace

Pulled Every Which Way

I've just go to say I've been inundated with other people's drama, and from a strange place to boot. I try to please some of the people some of the time. Most of the time, I think everything is peachy. While other's seem to go off on their own weird tangents, under the radar. And out of left field, I'm a piece of shit.......
My mother put it best. Misery loves company. I'm not playing anymore. This company has left the building. I'm sad to say. I just don't have the energy to please others anymore. I'm gonna please me for a change. Myself has played second, third, fourth and fifth. So besides my children, I'm next. Then the rest of you can just get in line. And the squeeky wheel?......well they can move to the back of the line and squeek as much as their heart desires. Have a nice day.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I never believed in love at first sight. I thought that stuff only happens in the movies. Right? I'm cruizin' to ma's house down south, East Bay area, for the weekend. Mom was movin and she needed some help. My Lovie was staying the week, before the big trip back east to see her dad. Spendin' time with the G-Ma.

Anyway....I pull into the drive way....pour outta the truck with my crap in hand and Lovie in tow. I go bouncing up the front porch and pop into the open front door. I come face to face and eye to eye with this big, tatooed, bald headed biker type standing in my childhood living room. I took a quick glance at his face and I thought I recognized him for just a second. He looked just like someone I knew. Then I realized but only after I muttered the words...."What arrrrreeee youuuuuu doing".....(I wanted to say here?) this guy has tatoos and a red goatee....this isn't who I think it is....but DAMN!!!! Who IS this???? After what seemed to be a really long moment, mom breaks the silence and says, "this is my new roommate, Tom; This is my daughter, Juliet". (oh gawd! thanks ma.) I'm an idiot and I have no skills...really I'm a total dork....my face felt flushed and all I could do was look at his green, intense eyes...."Hi, how are ya?' he says, in this deep, raspy voice. Oh....I could feel my face getting hotter. Things were getting moist...and breathing became loud in my own head. What the hell is going on here? Oh shit! The moment passes and Lovie and I go about our day with the G-Ma. But during the whole weekend, Tom would show up....smile at me, with those sexy eyes and this killer grin, I couldn't take my eyes off him. We flirted something feirce that weekend. I later found out that his son said, right after that first moment, "DAD! Did you see the way she looked at you?!?!?". The same time my mother and my daughter made comments like "Do you know him?"....no. "What was that all about?'. I dunno. I thought he was someone else....until I got a good look at him. Trying to play it off. But every one in that room saw the electricity, saw the attraction, instant attraction. I wanted to kiss those lips from that moment on.


He kept coming around and doing stuff for my mom. She boasted about him, sung his praises and the whole time he had this look in his eye, like he wanted to rip my clothes off and chew on me. I like big biker types, I like tatoos....I like him a whole lot. He peaked my interest. We put mom's waterbed together, moved a bunch of her stuff. He did it all without a second thought. And he was right there helpin me and giving my longing gazes into his beautiful green eyes his full attention. MMMM. So I go back home, north, kinda bummed out.

The next weekend....I have to go down to drop off the boy. Their flying out the following tuesday and I had the whole 4 days to play with my new playmate. Let the flirting begin. It didn't last long. I think I was there two days and he kissed me. So soft, so passionate, strong arms around me. I melted. He picked me up and put me on my mom's granite counter top and kissed me....that was it. I was his. But he didn't know it yet.


That kiss put me over the top. We flirted with unyeilding vigor. Winking at each other when nobody was looking. Brushing past each other while eyes were elsewhere. He then did something I've never done. We went to the store for ma and he took a little detour. He popped into a nail salon. He wanted me to have a peticure. I've never had one before and really didn't know what to expect. We sat there waiting for my turn and this lady turns around and says, "I can't even get my husband to take me here let alone, sit in here with me". Wow, really? When they asked me to take a chair in the foot spa thing, he bent down and massaged my feet in front of everyone. I was in shock. He then sat back down and watched me. He sent me text messages saying how beautiful I was. Asked me how it felt. Geez, that was the best. I got a french manicure with a hot pink flower on each big toe. Their so CUTE! I'm not a big fan of girly stuff...but boy, I could get used to that. Then he whisks me off to lunch. We finally got to the store for mom. We went back to G-ma's house and proceeded to cook a fabulous steak barbeque dinner for everyone, the whole time, touching each other ever so slightly. Without letting on we were touching.

Later that night he took me and my wenchy out for a drink at the marina. I know he wanted to get me there alone. And I think Wenchy went to make sure he wasn't a nut job. We had a great time. I've never seen anyone dish back the crap my wenchy was giving out. That blew my mind. He was right there in it, scrappin' with her and she was warming up to him. NOT an easy thing to do. Espically a guy that wants the effections of her wenchy. We had a nice walk around the jogging course, it was all good. The next night it was our turn, alone. We sat in my truck and talked about all sorts of things. From life to death to merriage. It was like I've known him all my life. I was that comfortable with him from the get go. I've since talked him into coming up north and leaving the stressfull bay area for the calm and serenity of Mendocino county, if only for a weekend. I think he really liked it up here. We spent the fourth of July hugging under the stars and watching the fireworks. We had our own fireworks later......

I got ready for work this morning and put on my black sweatshirt.....much to my surprise, his colonge was all over that sweatshirt. I smelled it all day long and daydreamed. I even had my co-worker ladies smell it too! I think I'm in love and I think it started that first day, that first glance, that first intense look into those beautiful eyes. Oh it's a good life.

J Grace

What happens at grandma's, stays at grandma's.

Check this out. We're hanging out in the front yard at my mom's new house. And I'm talking to mom's hot new roommate. All of a sudden..."CRASH, BANG"! This little white car flys through a four way stop sign, smashes into the front end of a black Honda, totaling it, as it rolls back and smashes the front of some red car; the guy jumps the curb and barely missing the huge tree in the front yard and plows into the side of my mom's next door neighbor's house! Everyone came running outside and my wenchy had her camera.
Just goes to show you....don't get your foot stuck on the wrong pedal. What a great weekend at Grandma's house. Never a dull moment.

Tom, mom's hot roommate, grabs the camera and takes these killer pictures of the wreck. Then jumps on the back of one of the 3, yes 3 firetrucks that showed up at the scene for a campy moment with my son. They're so cute.